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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Lucy SaDi
Gender: Female
Location: Hell

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Join Date: May 21st 2013

Acceptance with Courage - May 21st 2013, 04:04 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been trying to find the courage to accept who I am for the past 6 years. In 6th grade, I developed an eating disorder. I would eat until I hurt then purge. This continued until 8th grade where my best friend helped me to build myself back up and for a while I was okay. Then on January 15th of my freshman year, the guy I'd had a crush on for about 2 years moved away. Before he left I asked him if he could ever feel the same way about me that I did about him. He said "For someone like you, never in a million years." I shattered. I stopped eating and sleeping. I would drink and cry myself to sleep. If I was forced to eat, I would sneak into the bathroom and purge.

This time I'm afraid the ED is here to stay. No matter what I do I can't find the strength and courage to accept myself. If someone compliments me instead of smiling and saying thank you I reject it and if they keep pushing I get hostile.

I'm unhappy with the person I see in the mirror. No, not unhappy, that's too gentle of a word. I HATE HER. There isn't anything about her that I like. Her hair is long and thick, Her eyes are dull, Her face is round, Her lips are cracked and faded, Her hands are rough, Her arms are scarred, Her feet are small and wide, Her ankles and knees are weak, Her thighs are thick, She has man calves. And don't get Her started on Her midsection.
She is weak. She is broken. The come-back kid is gone. The girl that was once able to laugh and smile is missing. She's been replaced by a girl who is numb and lost. On the outside She pretends to have it all together. She pretends to be okay but on the inside she doesn't know who or what she is.

It's going to take some time but I'm going to work on building myself up again. I have to. I can't suffer through this. I have to overcome it. Not just for me but for the people who love me. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo on my arm to remind me to be strong, it's going to say "Acceptance with Courage"

You, there on the bridge, Where have you been, what’s your name?
And you, there you on the wall, Where will you go to once you fall?
You, lost at sea, Do you need me, do you need directions? -Feathery Wings, Voltaire
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Re: Acceptance with Courage - May 22nd 2013, 07:32 PM

Yes. The little girl is lost. She's not broken, not beyond repair. And maybe she needs some help. But you know what? She's beautiful and I don't care if we have an hour long argument about this. You're beautiful. Just because you don't feel it does not mean it's true, feelings aren't facts.

If you imagine the girl in the mirror as a child, a girl aged 6 or 7 that you had to look after, would you still be so mean to her? No. I'd imagine you'd look after her. You'd kiss her scars, you'd be gentle with her when she was upset. When she was struggling you'd help her. Don't be so mean to yourself, you're human and no human is completely without flaws. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone feels down sometimes but everyone also needs looked after. If you're upset reaching out to someone and telling people so they can comfort you is not weak, it is not you being attention seeking. You don't need to tell them what's wrong. You don't need to explain. Just say you need a hug

The ED won't win. Not if you don't let it and I can tell you're a fighter. Will you accept other compliments, like you're smart? Cuz you are. I can tell from the way people write

I have no idea what the point of this post was. I just wanted to reassure you that we're all here for you. And we've got your back. It's gonna be okay, just hang in there <3

Take as long as you need.
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in_recovery Offline
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Name: Rachel
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Re: Acceptance with Courage - June 3rd 2013, 04:25 PM

Hello Lucy,

I'm glad you've decided to stand up to the "ED", that takes a lot of courage! I'm sort of in the same boat as you, I find myself struggleing, but I do not want the "ED" to win. I'm here for you, if you need to talk. I'm just a PM away.

Like the person above said, what would you do if that were a small child looking back at you in the mirror? Would you be as mean to her? Would you try to make her feel better about herself? Would you tell her that everything will be okay, once she gets through this rough time? That she can laugh, be out-going, and most of all, be herself?
I like the tattoo idea very much. I like the idea of acceptance with courage idea. If we all give one another courage, then we can all learn to accept ourselves, the good and bad. I hope I can give you that courage, it would be an honor to help you, because you deserve to be happy, loved, and free from the hold the "ED" has on you.

As for that boy? (I’m going to be blunt), screw him! I know it hurt you, but is he really worth it? Is someone who could say something like that to you worth this pain that the “ED” is bringing you? No, he’s not. To be honest, he sounds like a prick, and a jerk. They’re will be more fish in the sea, and you might not even know it.

Do you still talk to your friend from 8th grade? Maybe she can help you find your happy self again. Having friends around who understand what you’re going through can help a lot in fighting this battle.
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