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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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The Girl Disease - February 28th 2014, 07:50 PM

My name is Elijah Marcus, and I have an eating disorder.

The words are hard to say. I want to deny them, to say that I'm too fat and that I've been in treatment too long and that I'm not controlling myself enough to have the disease that some sick b said made girls perfect. I thought that if it made them look good, then wouldn't it for me? It did, for a while, but then I got too thin. Then I passed out during exercise. Then I cried over eating a quarter of a piece of bread.

Three years ago, I began treatment. Two years ago, I thought I was recovered. One year ago, I was nearly forced to have a feeding tube because I didn't want to eat. It seemed like a cycle. Spend a year managing things well, and then have a bad year. I was okay with that, because for the better part of the good year, I kept control over myself. I thought it would be easy.

So why am I so uncertain? I do have control over it. I've made rules. Eat, but not to much. Critique your reflection, but not for over thirty minutes at a time. Split up "meals" to keep up your metabolism. And I've lost weight. I've apparently lost enough weight for people to comment, and for people to be impressed. My trousers don't want to stay up. My shirts are looser. Every day, twice a day, I get on the scale. It's almost a ritual: Use the toilet to make sure that all unnecessary weight from that is gone, take off all articles of clothing, take off your ring and bracelet, set glasses aside to prevent weight-skewing. I don't allow myself to drink anything if I anticipate stepping on the scale soon. God, posting this makes me sound like I'm still sick. I'm not thin enough to be sick. But the thing is, I almost want to be. I can't tell anyone. I can't cause trouble and be a disappointment again. I want to just fade away.
   
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Re: The Girl Disease - March 2nd 2014, 04:31 AM

Elijah,

I think it would be a good idea for you to tell someone about the rituals that you are partaking in. I know you don't want to do this but the behaviors that you are participating in do seem to be, at the least, disordered and this could lead to a slippery slope. If you were to reach out and let someone in on these secrets that you are holding you could start to gain back more control on these disordered habits. The thing to remember is that eating disorders thrive on secrecy so if you break the habit of keeping secrets from your support team you are one step closer to getting back on track and back to where you need to be. It will be a hard step to take but I believe it will be worth it.

If you need anything please feel free to message me.


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