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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Noire Offline
When is the future?
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Jordan
Age: 28
Gender: Female

Posts: 5,241
Blog Entries: 466
Join Date: January 6th 2009

I'm a liar - April 14th 2016, 06:05 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm not sure if any of you remember my previous posts but I've struggled on and off with an eating disorder. While I was never formally diagnosed by my psychiatrist my therapists and nutritionist all said my behavior is characteristic of disordered eating. I'll go through periods of restricting, then eating a healthy amount of calories and purging. I'll also exercise excessively. I was doing this last year when I made all my posts in this forum. The only reason it stopped was because my family threatened to send me to a psych hospital if I didn't quit, so I bargained and said I'd go to a special DBT group for people with eating disorders. It helped- for a while.

In November I became very depressed. For three months I struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I came through the other side with a hospitalization, some medication changes, and the support of my loved ones, but in the process I gained back some of the weight I had lost. For about two months I was in limbo where I hated myself for how I looked but wasn't doing anything to change it. Then a few weeks ago I decided to start doing something about it.

I purged a few times over the last few months but not excessively. However, in the last couple of weeks I've started restricting again. I cut out certain foods completely and greatly reduced my caloric intake. In addition I've started exercising more. I've been going to the gym for two hours a day every day, not including walking from my house to the gym, which is a considerable distance away. I don't have a scale right now but I can see my efforts have made a small difference already.

The reason I say I'm a liar is because I'm doing to great lengths to hide what I'm doing. I wrote in a blog on another website about my struggle with food and weight and how this time I'm choosing to love my body and make changes in a healthy way. I've even told my girlfriend how happy I am to be doing this in a positive way. It's all bull. I'm not eating nearly enough calories to make up for how many I'm burning at the gym. I just don't want everyone to freak out like they did last year so I figure if I say some crap about how I'm learning to love my body they'll all relax.

There are things about my appearance I like, but the vast majority of it I dislike. I want to be skinnier- much skinnier. I want to be so skinny that I have room to wiggle should I gain weight again without gaining so much that I hate myself for it. I don't care how I get there, either. I already know I don't know how to lose weight without getting crazy about it; it's a fact I've accepted.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm asking for, exactly. I feel bad for lying to everybody, especially my girlfriend. I just don't want them to stop me like they did last year. Anyway, that's all. Any advice or support is welcome.


Love joins
Love unites
Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all


"A Million," by VNV Nation
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