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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 7th 2016, 04:21 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i all of a sudden got super depressed tonight. i thought i was getting better and i finally opened my eyes to seeing how fat i really am. im falling back again and i am soooo tempted to starve myself again.
tonight i was supposed to film my music video when it got dark but i didnt bc i wanted to sleep at 8:30 so i could wake up and do my 4am, two hr. workout. i just want to lose edited before school starts. i hate my life. my hip hurts so bad from what i did to it last yr at track season. but today i kept on running. i wont stop until i lose more weight. im sick and tired of crying every time i look in the mirror.

i never want to eat again. i have really good ways to get around eating. i cant really add detail in this thread but i want to go a long time without food. i cant stand going to public places anymore bc my mind tells me im fat but people say im skinny. i just dont know anymore.
i just want to run away where ill never be found. i want to let go of this life that holds me by a thread. i cant take it anymore. please help! i just want someone to tell me that im worth more than what i keep doing to myself. please tell me to stop. i need help before i die, before i let go.
im already dead inside but that is spreading fast. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Last edited by Hypothesis.; August 7th 2016 at 01:30 PM. Reason: Please do not include weight numbers. :)
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 7th 2016, 04:22 PM

I honestly know how you feel because ive been having the same issue. You are worth more then what you're doing and it is possible to defeat this. A close friend I had was anorexic, she struggled for years and it all started when she was in 5th grade. Up until a year and a half ago she got better, left the hospital, and looks better then ever it's a big struggle you have to overcome and to be honest I wasn't sure she was gonna to make it, but her health got better and she's back eating I'm sorry about what you're going through but it's nothing you can't overcome with the help and sources you need to help you out of this. You're so much better then a number you see on some scale, I know because I'm going through the same thing. You do need to stop and get help.


   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 7th 2016, 07:05 PM

Please understand this: If you are not losing weight through severely limiting how much you eat or starving yourself altogether, there is a reason for that. IT DOESN'T WORK.

In fact, starving yourself actually slows down weight loss.

This is because the body goes into "starvation mode". This is where the body protects its fat stores and instead uses lean tissue or muscle to provide it with some of the calories it requires to function. (I don't mean 'function' as in walking, running, etc., I mean in terms of all of the crucial internal processes that your body performs on a daily basis without you even being aware of it.) This directly leads to a loss of muscle, which in turn lowers your metabolic rate so that the body needs fewer calories (and therefore burns fewer calories), preventing weight loss. This is an evolutionary survival method and is designed to stop you from starving to death.

There is a chance that you will not lose any more weight. Some people reach a stage where their weight plateaus - that means it stays at that point. And, if you do manage to lose more weight, you are abusing your body in the process by not allowing it to have the calories and nutrients it requires to function.

I already wrote you a lengthy reply to your HelpLINK request, where I explained that at your age your body needs to be given enough calories and nutrients because you are still growing and developing. This means you need to eat.

If people are telling you that you're skinny, but you still think you're fat, there's a good chance that your perception of yourself is distorted. This is a classic problem of those who have eating disorders/disordered eating (depending on whether they've been diagnosed) and is the reason for why so many people with these illnesses make themselves very unwell and end up in hospital.
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Originally Posted by You
i just want someone to tell me that im worth more than what i keep doing to myself.
In my HelpLINK reply I wrote that "you've struggled for long enough" and that "you don't deserve to suffer". And the reason you don't deserve to suffer? You are worth more than what you keep doing to yourself. But the problem is that you don't believe that. Every single member of this site could tell you how lovely you are and how you don't need to be doing this to yourself but, if you don't believe it, nothing is going to change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by You
i need help before i die, before i let go.
You're right, you do need help. But not from us. I mentioned speaking to a counsellor before, but realistically I think you should talk to your parents and ask them to take you to your doctor. Even if they just think that you're being fussy with food and are skeptical about whether you need medical attention, get them to agree to let you be seen by someone. Ask to be alone with the doctor if you don't want your parents to hear how bad things are. But be honest. Tell him/her all about your restrictions, obsessions, and how depressed this is all making you. You should be referred on to an eating disorder team and assessed by a psychiatrist.

You can get help with this, but you have to reach out to the right people. Please talk to your parents and get them to make you an appointment with your doctor. S/he can help you.


Be kind to yourself.

Last edited by JazzyJazz; August 7th 2016 at 07:53 PM.
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 7th 2016, 08:53 PM

thank u Jazzy Jazz. i want to be seen by a professional so bad but honestly my parents dont ever like heath professionals for some odd reason. im not even allowed to talk to my school counselor any more.
the only resourse i have is the internet.
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 7th 2016, 09:50 PM

I'm sorry to learn that your parents feel that way about health professionals and I think it's a shame that they have told you not to speak to your school counsellor.

No parent ever wants to think that their child is struggling, but you need your parents to wake up and realise that there is something wrong. You've said before that they've noticed how particular you are with food. They might also be aware of the exercise you do.

But there's a good chance that they think that's the extent of this issue - not eating much and exercising lots. They are unaware of the thoughts which are fuelling these behaviours, and it is those thoughts which you need to tell them about in order to illustrate how serious this is. They need to know that you want to starve yourself. That you are so unhappy with yourself and so depressed that you have thoughts of suicide. It will be hard for them to hear, but what's the use in hiding it from them?

My best advice on how to tell them is to talk at a time when they won't be rushed or distracted. Print out or show them online some information about eating disorders and make the case for why you think you have one (i.e. point out the symptoms that you have). Tell them all about your obsession with food, your weight, etc. Tell them how much you dislike yourself and how depressed this is all making you. They need to see that this is much more than just being fussy with food. If you don't feel able to talk face to face, write it down as a letter.

Explain that you need help because eating disorders don't go away on their own. Also point out that an eating disorder is first and foremost a mental problem not a physical one, and that you therefore need support from a psychiatric professional. If your parents distrust those in the medical profession, they might tell you that they can sort you out themselves. This is not true. Eating disorders require specialist intervention - your parents can't deal with this and that might be something that they find difficult to understand or accept.

Even if you have tried talking to them about this before, I would urge you to try again. Gather as much evidence as you can, be honest about how bad things are, and see what happens.

Your thoughts?



Be kind to yourself.

Last edited by JazzyJazz; August 7th 2016 at 10:09 PM.
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 8th 2016, 01:04 AM

well im not sure if i feel ready to talk to them about it. honestly my mom has the same problems so she would understand. i just need to take time to think about it and im gonna tell them. its gonna be hard when i do but i will one day.
i think they still wouldnt understand that it requires medical attention. my mom said she used to go to a nutritionist and she has gone to counseling before but it never worked. so she wouldnt want me to do that too.
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 8th 2016, 01:48 AM

I can understand you not feeling ready yet, because opening up to those we're close to can be difficult. But hopefully you have some idea of what you need to do when you are ready. And we will be here to support you with that.

Just bear in mind that it's hard for me (and probably other users who know your situation) to know how to keep advising you if you are not ready to try out the suggestions that are given to you. That's of course not to say that you can't keep posting about this issue, but realistically I'm not sure that there is much we can write that hasn't been written before. So expect to keep reading the same sort of thing until you are ready to make that step of talking to your parents. That really is the next best step for you.

If your mom has had a similar issue then I think that could be a good thing because she is more likely to believe that your struggle is real. However, it's important that your mom's experience of accessing help does not get in the way of you doing so.

You say she had counselling, but a counsellor is not qualified to treat psychiatric disorders. An eating disorder needs specific treatment, not endless talking therapy.

As for the nutritionist - again, they do not have medical or psychiatric training. (In fact, anyone can become a nutritionist. All you need is some money and access to a computer to complete an online course.) A dietician is someone who has completed medical training, so at the very least your mom should have seen one of those. But even then, the only person that can deal effectively with the mental side of eating disorders are those with a degree in psychiatry or clinical psychology, who have gained extra eating disorder knowledge on top of that.

So, in summary, your mom's "treatment" was never likely to work in the first place. Had she gone to see a doctor, and been referred to a psychiatrist, then things would probably have worked out much better for her.

This is why it's important that, when you talk to her, she doesn't dismiss your want for help based on her own experiences. And you need to tell her that. When you're ready, of course.


Be kind to yourself.
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 8th 2016, 02:29 AM

ya definitely. i underdtand that i need help and far more than any TH member can offer.so i dont really see the point in making new threads when i already made so many about this same sort of thing.
i guess ill just give it time and wait until im ready to talk to her about it. there is a part of me that wants help but another part that wants to keep hiding away with my issues. i will one day find the courage to ask people that can help a lot more or at least get me the help i need.
i dont think my parents really know how to get the right kind of help but maybe i can find an article that will explain more. ill try my best.
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 8th 2016, 02:48 AM

I can understand (and relate to) you wanting to hide. Opening up about difficult, personal subjects can leave us feeling very exposed and vulnerable. There's also the uncertainty of how things will work out. You seem as though you are someone who seeks to be in control, and perhaps you don't like the thought of other people knowing what goes on in your head, even if they want to help. A better way to think of it is like this: At the moment, you are letting your unhealthy thoughts control you. So even though it seems like you're in control, you're not really. If you truly want to take control, you need to be brave and let people know what's happening.

Ultimately, hiding with your issues is making you miserable, and accessing help would give you a chance at being happy with yourself and your life. Maybe it's just me, but I think that's a risk worth taking. I'm not sure how things could get any worse than they are now and, if you reach out to the right people (i.e. a doctor), there's no reason why you can't get to grips with this issue and overcome it. Don't let your mom's experience put you off.

There is definitely lots of information online for parents who suspect that their child has an eating disorder but aren't sure what to do about it. Do your research and that way, when you are ready to talk, you will be prepared and there will be more chance of them allowing you to see your doctor.

Feel free to PM me at any time. I don't want you to feel alone.


Be kind to yourself.
   
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Re: ugh, i hate my life. my obsession is killing me. please HELP!!! - August 8th 2016, 01:15 PM

thank u jazzyJazz. ill try. i hate procrastinating but i might just wait for awhile before im ready to talk to someone. ill let u know how it goes when the time comes.
   
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