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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ShAtTerEd HeaRt Offline
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Name: Winter
Gender: Female
Location: Washington

Posts: 251
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: July 16th 2009

My mom... - February 28th 2010, 10:59 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I honestly really dont know where to begin, or when this all really started, But im gonna try my best to tell you everything.

Well, me and my mom used to be like, bestfriends always. i used to be able to tell her anything. But somewhere i guess between when i turned 13 in October this year that things started changing a lot between us, and me of course too. Now that i have turned 13 it just seems like idk, my mood has changed or something happened. But honestly i dont think none of this has anything to do with me whatsoever. Back in May last year, i got the swine flu, and lost a lot of weight in just 4 days of the flu, and it was a mild case and it was still that bad to cause weight loss. it all started when i was 10 when i started feeling not good about myself from this chick who weight a lot less than me. and she was weigh taller than me. her family was i wud say a little bit messed up? idk but i guess Karma hit her big time cuz after all of the teasing and her calling me fat and ugly and pressuring me into starving myself, she gained a lot of weight and was so embarassed. she told me about it, her mom is a doctor but yet when she found out she had gained weight she was pissed at her for gaining weight. its so messed up, so she took it out on me, making me feel like crap about myself, and i still do to this very day and that was like, back in 2006 to 2007. it is now 2010. so that was 4 years ago and honestly, i believe that if she wouldnt have done so much damage to me i wouldnt be feeling this way at all. but yet again, there cud have bene something else that wud have found me and made me lead to this path anyway. but you never know, ill never know. but anyway, She moved up to california finnaly and we havent talked in about 2 years now. but i do miss her and i wish if my mom wud let me have a myspace or a facebook that i cud ask her, "why did you do that to me?" im stuck here now, and i think so crappy of myself, im always counting calories and i freak now and i burn off as much as possibly every single day. I feel lost, and i cant even love myself anymore. honestly i havent loved myself in the past 4 years probably. And i just cant, ever, find any place in my heart ever to love myself. i hate myself a lot in a way too. its just pure hatred. and when i look in the mirror i feel fat and ugly even though everybody is always worried about me becuz they say im so skinny, but i dont believe it at all. i feel they are all lieing to me just trying to make me feel better. i also feel my teacher expsects a lot in me so i try to be the most perfect as possible. im afraid of gaining weight and if i do i flip out and then ill starve or diet for a week at least.

so 2 things that have lead me to this:
my friend, swine flu, my teacher,

and also my mom, anyway what i was saying about my mom is now since ive turned 13 things have changed a lot between us. i still love her to death but, i feel i cant tell her anything now without her acting like she knows everything becuz shes a councler. she never treat her clients like crap but she treats me like crap all the time with all of my struggles and problems and when i feel the most best about myself which is very rare for me shell just shut me down and turn me away and will say things about me which makes me feel more bad about myself.

A huge big problem that has lad me to my eating problems is MY FAMILY. AND SHE JUST WONT TAKE IT IN AND ACCEPT WHATS REALLY THE PROBLEM HERE. she was going to take me to a councler and we talked about what was going on with me. i told her that a big problem was becuz of our family fighting and my dad and everything and she just said "no, it isnt winter, none of this has to do with you, its your problem, that family crap that your telling me is bullshit. that aint true, and im not takin ya to a councler cuz you cant talk about it to her becuz it will risk my job"

and ever since i told her that she never took me to that councler becuz of her fucking job. its like, whats more important mom? me? or your job at risk becuz i tell her how i feel?
i just feel she is being really selfish and not thinking about my needs and what i really need right now. and that is support. but she wont even take the time to give me any support. so i suffer, in pain, all the time. and my eating problems are getting worse and worse as time goes on. and why my mom says her job will be at risk is becuz that councler isnt made for family, she knows her, and this is a small town and rumors get around.
But you know what? I have a huge fear im gonna get Anorexia realy soon if she doesnt get me help.
and whenever i do something or something happens that has to do with me that she thinks is wrong she just wont even let me talk and when i tell her how i feel shell just "no thats not how your feeling" and "i know what you did, your lieing, that aint the truth about how you feel or what really happened" its like she just plays with my emotions all the time and she knows everything about me and how i feel. its like im a puppet and she controls the strings on me and takes me wherever i wanna go or do.
she wont give me support about seeing a councler or going to a doctor about this. and she said she was going to take me to a councler and a doctor that helps people with my situation but she never did take me to a doctor either. its just getting out of hand and now the only hope i have is that i will be able to go over to my bestfriends house whenever i need him since i found out he lives just a couple blocks away from me. thats the only hope i have is knowing hes right there. but still, he cant comfort me, or give me a hug or tell me everythings gonna be alright when i cant see him.
i just wish my mom wud take in my problems, give it a chance, and work things out and help me. but shes just in so denial about it.

idk what to do about it anymore. the only real support i have is my friends but they can only do so much. and what do i do about my mom? she wont help me. and my dad and me are completly different people so i cant talk to him about anything either. what should i do?
and since im gonna ask my friend if i can comeover to his house this week should i tell him why and whats going on and that im stressed out and i need to take a break? i already tell him everything but im desprately seeking to be with my friends other than in my house, its killing me.


Met you from a tie between u and me buddy,
Saw you from my wired eyes with a twisted little lie, and my mind told me negative when i had a wish to own you with my heart, buddy and you split like twigs, senses told her i fell for him, and she told me "i loved him, and go get him" And while i said "negative he said "correct" <3

Me and ? = 3 days which =correct
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
floatingangel Offline
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Age: 29
Gender: Female

Posts: 308
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My mom... - March 2nd 2010, 03:33 PM

hey hun, sounds like you've got problems where you can't seem to even get a hint on how to fix anything...
but first off, i'd like to say that you sound like someone who can take good care of herself if she wants to. it's hard dealing with the whole image thing if how you look defines you. even if you get the bad eating to stop and the thoughts about food to stop, it's going to get a hang of you if you don't find your worth in something else. is there anything that you're proud of yourself for? i'm sure there's something if you look for it. (:
and i must say it really sucks that your mum says you can't get a counsellor coz of her job. that's so UNFAIR. you should tell her in the face that you're a human and you're prone to such problems as well. tell her that you're struggling and if she can't help you, then she's gotta let someone else help. you've every right to get the help you think you need and want! otherwise, u can try helplines in your area? there should be some and they can advice you on how to get a counsellor which doesn't affect your mum's job or something.
good luck and take care hun (:

and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
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