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Zum Zum Girl Offline
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Name: miss_anthropy10
Age: 27
Gender: Female

Posts: 52
Blog Entries: 3
Join Date: January 24th 2009

Wooooow Relapse... - September 7th 2010, 06:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, in 2008, near the end of the year, I developed an ED, primarily bulimia, with anorexia tendencies. It was a vicious cycle that went back and forth with cycles of eating and then not eating, and then b/p cycles. This lasted relatively about six months, before I stopped reacting to these tendencies. I went back and forth a bit in 2009, but for the most part got my life on track by the time my Senior year rolled around last September. If I'm being totally honest, my biggest problem at that point, was struggling to not cut (I have major SH issues too.)

Since then, I got back on a relatively healthy eating/exercise plan. I got on track with all my problems, and actually have had a pretty easy year so far.

However, this summer, things started back sliding. I'm diagnosed as severely clinically depressed and have had adverse reactions to every anti-depressant I've been put on, so about a year ago, I went off of my fifth anti-depressant and refused to go on anything else. For the most part I was doing really well, especially considering I was breezing through my program in school (it was an alternative GED program set up through my highschool), and was done by January.

However, when May rolled around, things got tough. I spent the days leading up to my birthday in the hospital last year because I was SHing so bad that I should've been in the hospital.

This year, in order to fight off the urges due to that anniversary rolling around, I decided to pick up and go to my cousin's house for a week.

A week long stay turned into a nearly 2 month stay (save a week back at home for Graduation). When I got here the first night with my mother and my brother, my cousin had a friend over, who I came to know and got close with over this summer.

Well in early July, after my cousin had made a comment about how I was only using her to see this guy (we were casually dating at that point) and if it didn't work out, I was going to run home, I did leave. Her comments that night had hurt me greatly and because of that, I couldn't stay here.

Being at home wasn't easy though. I barely ate half the time because I was so depressed and triggered, and I truly wasn't happy there. Well about 3 weeks later, I texted her randomly one day when I needed an outside perspective on an issue and she asked me if I wanted to come back here. I said yes.

I have now been back for a little over a month, and in that time things went from great to... I don't even know.

She and I have no problems, however I posted in the Rape & Abuse forum about how I had my first consensual time with said guy that I was getting to know this summer. (We were no longer casually dating, but finally agreeing to being in a full-fledged relationship.) He really truly is a great guy when it comes down to it, but he has issues of his own from a past relationship, and at the moment is apparently not facing the effects that it left on him, because about a week and a half ago, he told my cousin that he was never speaking to either of us again and we were no longer friends or anything else.

Due to this, my eating habits (which are/were already flailing,) suffered even more. I only ate here and there for about five days last week. Since then, my cousin has been pretty on top of making sure I eat at least once a day.

However, since all of his has happened, I'm really struggling. I have no drive to eat anything half the time, and I've been day-dreaming about breaking a razor almost non-stop tonight.

I know this thread is mess and jumble of different triggers and issues, but right now I just need someone to talk to who gets it. I know my best friend does, but all she keeps telling me is that if I'd let myself be okay, then I would be, and it feels like she refuses to see that when it comes down to it, this is really hurting me and I can't just let it go. What I really need right now is support to get through it, and not completely fall apart in the meantime.

And when I'm not sure how to try,
Who will take my hand?
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relapse, wooooow

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