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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy What about emotional price? - October 9th 2010, 06:21 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Here I go, now I'm back into reovery, after losing weight again since I slipped into anorexia, I know I haven't gaigned any weight, NOTHING AT ALL of what I lost, I'm oficially underweight, but I'm eating, well, to be honest, I'm dieting, but I have enough calories to mantain my weight.
OK, I'm may not doing right, I know all of this, I give this advice everyay :/ I know I should look after myself but I can't take away few feelings I've been carrying with me since I started with all of this. I've never even thought I'm fat (well, when I started to lose weight, I was partially trying to please my mum, who thought I should lose weight, but not because I believed that) Why shouldn't eat then? I don't deserve food. No, I don't. People (better than me, of course) are dying because they don't have food, and damn, am I eating those amounts of food? I must be dead. What's more, why should animals or plants die in order to let me survive? even they are better than me!!! I'm a f***ing killer >_<
I feel like crying everytime I eat, but now, I can't even hang out with my friends because I think they judge me as severely as I do, I hear voices in my head telling me that, I think I'm getting paranoid. Recovery is harrasing me mentally I don't know what to do anymore, I'm going to get crazy if I stay like this. Help?

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"

Last edited by Casey.; October 11th 2010 at 05:45 AM. Reason: Changing prefix to fit with guidelines.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: What about emotional price? - October 10th 2010, 05:39 AM

Your first sentence basically sums up my situation exactly :P Well not exactly, but I am eating absolutely normally but I havent gained ANYTHING back.

The thought of "people are dying because they don't have food" could be a reason TO EAT. Those people are dying and here I am taking all this food for granted, by not eating it and making it a big deal.

Also, about plants and animals dying in order for you to survive, well that is an irrational way of thinkng...Plants aren't people, sure some people hate killing animals for food...and well that is understandable, and there is nothing wrong with being vegetarian. But plants, man if they didn't die, there would be so many that there wouldn't be enough carbon in the air, or nutrients, or space and they would just die off anyway. I know that is science and completely irrelavant, but 'killing' plants is just something that is totally normal and you shouldnt give a 2nd thought to it.

Recovery shouldn't be harrasing you...it sounds to me like you really want to get better and you really want to think of food as a normal daily need, but you really need to stop thinking about things like killing plants and animals, and other people around the world. I don't know what else to say, I just wish you really well, and hope you can beat this in the end
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Re: What about emotional price? - October 10th 2010, 01:48 PM


I am sorry you are struggling with all of this but I want you to know that you can recover. The thing to remember about recovery is it is a long road full of many obstacles. It is probably one of the hardest things you will do but the outcome is worth it.

Why do you feel as if you don't deserve to eat? I think until you get to the bottom of that feeling and deal with it you will be able to come up with a lot of reasons why you shouldn't eat. I can give you reasons why you should eat those plants and animals but until you deal with the reasons behind your feelings of not deserving to eat it probably won't accomplish much.

I think that whenever you hear that voice inside your head telling you you don't deserve to eat you should counter that with 'I do deserve to eat.' You might not believe it every time you say it but it does help to replace the bad thoughts with good thoughts. The more you say it the more you might start to believe it.

You know, we are our own worst critic, right? That means that while we judge ourselves severely most of our friends and family don't. I think you should try hanging out with your friends more. I know how it feels to think that people are constantly judging you but I think socializing can really help. I know when I am having a tough time with my ED I will go and hang out with friends and I do feel a bit better; maybe it will help you too.

Also, try talking to your close friends about the way you are feeling. Express to them that you have trouble hanging out with them because you feel they are judging you. I bet, most of them will tell you they have no desire to judge you. You might learn that they are concerned for your well being but that concern does not equal judgment.

What do you mean by recovery is harassing you? I am not 100% sure so what I have to say next might not fit what you are talking about. I think the idea of recovery 'harasses' us when we know what we should be doing to get better but we aren't doing it. You said "Here I go, now I'm back into reovery, after losing weight again since I slipped into anorexia, I know I haven't gaigned any weight, NOTHING AT ALL of what I lost, I'm oficially underweight, but I'm eating, well, to be honest, I'm dieting, but I have enough calories to mantain my weight." Those lines seem to show that you know that you need to eat more but right now you cannot seem to do that. I think in cases where we know what we need to do but we can't seem to do it our healthy mind harasses us. The only thing I can tell you in regards to that is do what you need to to get better eat a bit more and go from there. I know that is easier said then done but if you start slowly it might help. Slowly start adding snacks to your daily intake, slowly start adding a few more proteins, vegetables, fruits etc. You can overcome ED but you just have to take it slowly and work your way up. Recovery is hard work but it isn't impossible.

Lastly, do you have a counselor who can help you with all of this? I think that recovery is a bit 'easier' when you have a support network that includes a counselor. Do you think you could look into counseling?

I really hope this helped and if you need anything please feel free to pm me.


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Re: What about emotional price? - October 10th 2010, 03:13 PM

with recovery harrasing me I mean I'm basicly forced to go on recovery. I hate my ED, there's no single day I wish I hadn't got it, but I did, so long ago that without it I'd lose part of me, I would feel dead, it makes me feel safe, even if it hurts. I'm not ready for recovery, but my parents keep forcing me to go visit my recovery team (yes I have one), they just want me to eat and gain weight no matter what, they deal with me saying 'you eat or you go to hospital, it's up to you' it scares me away and makes me resist even more to, I'm freaked out, I feel like I'm drowning when eating, but when I tell them, they ask me to stop invent excuses in order to avoid eating. They aren't even a bit comprehensive with me, what's more, they have me sedated all the day, I have like 6 anti-depressants a day they don't think I'm able to relax by myself unless they drug me. I feel like even professionals treat me like a 2 year old child. I can't stand them weighting myself either.
At the bottom of my food related behaviour, it's my grandma's loss, she was so special for me, but I abandoned her when she was dying because it was tearing me up inside to see her like that, I could have made her feel better, but I didn't plus she had diabetes and, for me, food killed her. Then there was this childhood best friend I had who suffered from anorexia as a kid, she was always worried about weight and was asking me all the time to give up on eating, because eating was for weak people, and I was less than her because I was fatter, so lack of food was the key of success... I guess I ended up believing her words. My aunt used to weight myself everytime she came to my village to check if she was thinner at my age... it became a weight race. And finally, parents. For two years they were sepparated (now they're back together). I was living with my dad, who was too busy with his job to even talk to me so I was desperately trying to call his attention and n the other hand there was my mum,who never called me unless she wanted to argue with my dad so that she needed to use me. Whenever she saw me, she'd tell me 'your tummy is huge, you shouldn't eat this or that, you should be like Miriam (her friend's daughter, who's naturally skinny)' I wanted her to be proud of me, so I started to lose weight
I guess this is the explanation of my problems, but I don't really know why I'm getting this paranoid, I just want those voices to shut up, just that

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: What about emotional price? - October 10th 2010, 08:11 PM

The adults in our lives, especially when we are growing up, sometimes don't realize that the things they say and do affect our emotional well-being as deeply as they do. I had an eating disorder for ten years, and it sprung from many things, but one of the biggest triggers was my Mother constantly telling me I was overweight, and that I would be happier/people would like me more/boys would pay attention to me if I lost weight. My mother was pole thin when she was a teenager and slowly started gaining more and more weight and she aged, and she didn't want me to go down a road of fatness and misery like she had. My Mother is still completely preoccupied with her own weight issues and still makes comments about my weight, even after I spent ten years battling an eating disorder that damn near killed me.

There will always be people in your life who will find it easier to insult the way you look than to deal with their own feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem, and one of the biggest tools going through recovery all the way will give you is the ability to recognize those people's words for what they really are.

You will find inside of yourself your TRUE voice, and the strength to accept that other people can say whatever the hell they want about the way you look and that it doesn't have to affect how you feel about yourself.

Going through the radical changes recovery from ED provides can be terrifying, and if you feel like all they are doing is drugging you up, then use your voice to tell your recovery team that you feel like they aren't helping you. They are going to treat you like a child because in their eyes you need to be told to eat and you need to be watched to ensure that you don't continue with abusive behaviours.

If you put your efforts into getting better, and can turn the corner from not wanting to heal towards accepting that you need to make some changes in your life in order to keep living, you will find that with time kicking an eating disorder will give you the power to conquer anything in life.

As for your Grandmother, there was nothing you could do for her, and I guarantee to you that she understood why you found it hard to be around, and didn't hold any ounce of anger or resentment towards you for it. I assure you that she loved you deeply and wanted you to find peace, and would be devastated to find out that you hold so much guilt over yourself for how you responded to her illness and death. And yes, Type II Diabetes is directly linked to diet and exercise and you can, in fact, eat yourself to death and having an unhealthy lifestyle can lead to many diseases that kill people every day.

But ED kills people every day as well.

In the depths of winter, I looked inside myself and found an invincible spring. - Camus
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