Triggering: Other Girls

[Alergnon]

Okay for a while now, maybe 4 years now I've been struggling with eating and self image. I don't have an eating disorder but I may have a start of one that I'm scared to start, which I will end up doing.

A lot has been going on for me, from growing up with a father who verbally abused and a brother verbally abusing me; they would call me stupid. On my fathers part he would call me; an ungrateful daughter, stupid, idiot etc. On my brothers part he would call me; fat, pig, ugly, etc., now these words hurt me, I spent years hearing this while I grew up. I don't live with them, but their words are still fresh in my head.

I only ate once Tuesday 2nd, 2012. I keep bringing myself to bring up vomit in my mouth and then swallowing it again.

Don't get me wrong most of the time I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. Another factor is I don't have a lot of healthy food or any at all or very little food. I'm trying to survive off of government assist per month, after when my rent is paid I get like the remaining left over money to spend for whatever I want. I do go to a food bank every other week for food.

I want to starve myself I want to lose weight. (can't say what I weigh or how much I want to lose) Since all these "fat" comments I got has effected me greatly. I just need something to hurt myself with and this is something I want to do. In the past I've took pills to make you go to the washroom because I wanted to lose weight, I may start back up again.

Not eating feels nice and empty stomach. I also shrunk my stomach a few dozen times and this is what I am doing now so I can begin eating once per day.

All the verbal abuse and the bullying I went through has effected me. The bullying stopped when I started high school, and in my last year of high school and more issues happened this year. I'm sick and tired of everyone looking so slim, I'm average.

I also look at other girls bodies out. I stare at them to the point I imagine myself being in there nice slim fit body. I disconnect myself from my own body to be like them. I imagine myself being them, not their personalities or living their life style, but I want their damn body. I hate mine. I even was tired of it, I cut up my face and went to school the next day no one noticed it. Well because I cut over pimples and it was red before. I would do it again if I have to.

I'm just so tired of myself and my own body I feel like I'm an alien.

[Paige(:]

I'm sorry dear! /:
We all have that time when it's starting..the eating disorder will creep up on you and snatch you until it's full blown. But try and stop it before it is too late, because oh how I wish I would have never gotten into this eating disorder! Try and eat 6 small meals a day instead of 3 big ones, that might help. (: