On the verge of a relapse

[Agoraphobia♥]

Now, I'm eating less (not on purpose). And throughout the whole recovery this time, it's hard to be in a bathroom without thinking of purging, but I haven't, although sometimes if I would spit whatever was in my mouth into the toilet. I've been erm... for lack of a better word, backed up, these past couple weeks. I've tried everything from coffee to milkshakes, but it's not helping, I'm having to use laxatives, and I used to abuse laxatives and had to ween myself off of them. I'm not exceeding the dosage or anything like I used to when I was using them for weight loss, but I'm starting to miss it. I hated running to the bathroom, wondering if I'd make it in time, or leaning over a toilet and feeling sick all day long because I purged once, I don't like the feeling of any of the "purging methods" I used during my ED (laxatives, throwing up, and starving), but I sort of miss them, and I definitely miss losing the pounds, I also don't mind missing my periods. I'm honestly scared I don't have the strength to stop myself again, and I want it back so badly, I want to lose the weight at any cost, and oddly enough I want to purge and starve again, I could do without the binge sessions this time around though. I sound terrible I know, but I miss it. And that scares me very much.

[Cabron]

What I'm getting here is that your backed-upness is causing you to want to relapse because of your renewed dependence on laxatives. If I'm wrong, stop me. Coffee and milkshakes might make the problem worse as opposed to better. Have you tried more organic foods? Prunes, etc. They can help a lot. Fiber-rich foods help too, and I believe you can get powdered fibre that you can mix into water or juice or whatever and you can't taste it either. Hopefully that will make using laxatives not necessary and cut down on your urges.

Missing your period can mess up your reproductive system and lower your chances of getting pregnant when you're older. It's going to suck big time if you want to have a family and you can't because you stopped having your period when you were 15. Try not to hurt your future self because you're having trouble now. If you don't feel like the person you are now is worth taking care of, try to do the right thing for whoever you'll be in a few years.

Losing weight is not the answer to happiness. You'll still be the same girl with the same problems. Losing a couple pounds isn't going to make all of that go away. In fact, you will probably be more miserable if you're battling an eating disorder at the same time. Missing your old unhealthy behaviors is part of recovery. I know that I definitely still miss my meal restrictions sometimes. But all you can do is continually distract yourself and think positive, positive, positive. Fake it till you make it. Even if you feel like absolute crap, you just have to keep happy thoughts in your head. It'll work eventually and you won't want to harm yourself so much anymore. Plus, thinking positively seems to open the door for happier things to come into your life. It's a nice little bonus. I'm here if you need a chat. <3

[Ms.Meow]

Wow, Cabron gave some wonderful advice. Prunes and other super fiber filled stuff are a great substitute.

Something to keep in mind that might help stop you from going back to your old habbits is thinking about what it will be like if you relaps and it gets really bad. You know it will hurt you and make life hard. Thinking of those things really helped me from going back to my habbits. Good luck! And remember to think positive.

[Elliee]

Its important for you to understand that just because you're in recovery doesn't mean the risk to relapse goes away. It is part of recovery, so what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Have you got anyone you could talk to? Because my advice would be to talk to them, them the truth, that you are currently struggling atm so they can be more supportive and the sooner you tell them the quicker you can nip it in the bud. In any case, recovery is not plain sailing and easy so well done for taking the journey, one day hopefully you can look back and see the change that YOU have made.

If you need any support, feel free to PM me

[love.music]

Stay strong xxxx

[Revolution]

Hey Cheye,

I would stay away from the laxatives. We all become backed up sometimes, but at the same time, this is a trigger for you. and I think it's more dangerous than good. Honestly, I would go with what other amazing Cheyanne said (you both are amazing with an amazing name ) and would look into some organic foods. I know you're a pescatarian, make sure you're getting enough greens rather than just fish and other milk/grain products, get lots of spinach and healthy grains, and whole grain bread! I love whole grain bread. Very nommy. You could also try some Fiber One, or just a fiber supplement rather than real laxatives. I usually don't use laxatives myself, even during "backed up" times because honestly fiber is a lot healthier and not as harsh on your body.

For using the bathroom without triggers, I would recommend you try to associate the bathroom with something else. Maybe start doing crosswords or something when you urinate? Sounds silly, but my mum does it. I have the same problem with thinking about purging, so I just try to do something else. Honestly, I text a lot when I use the restroom. My poor phone.

Anyway, hope some of this helped! You're amazing!