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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lumos. Offline
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question - July 24th 2017, 12:58 AM

So I am not meaning to come across as ignorant or unknowing on sensitive subjects. I'm not sure if this is just misuse or if it is abuse of medications or maybe its just self harm, I don't know.
So recently I have been messing around with the dose of my antipsychotic, some nights I take a lot less mg than I am supposed to, and other nights I don't take it, then the next I still don't take it and a few nights i've doubled my dose. I take less and less of it and then when I'm crashing I take a much higher dose. Is this abusing my meds?
I think it also has to do with thinking i need to be punished so I don't take it and I start falling back. which is what i deserve. I want to keep doing it even though I know I probably shouldn't.

Help? What is this?





From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said, "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
  Send a message via Skype™ to Lumos. 
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
MsNobleEleanor Offline
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Re: question - July 24th 2017, 01:38 AM

Hello Dionna,

You aren't coming off as ignorant or unknowing on sensitive subjects. This is your own personal experience and everyone deals with everything differently, we might be under-educated or unsure of something, but that doesn't make someone ignorant. I want you to know, you can reach out with anything here on TeenHelp.

Do you like the medication you are taking? I am talking in general form, do you feel you need this medication to help you or does it make you more distressed?

If you are able to weigh the pros and cons of this medication you are taking it could help you to understand how it does help you or doesn't help you. You mentioned you take it or don't so you punish yourself from what the medication does for you. Is it more of a feeling really high feeling (emotions) and then a very low feeling (emotions)? Like, you enjoy it or like those feelings to happen rather feeling stable (of what the purpose of the medication is supposed to do for you)?

When you don't take a medication directed by a doctor, side effects can happen because a medication is usually taken with direction so it has its full effectiveness in working. When you begin to miss dosage or take more than what you are supposed to take, this can really affect you. Since the medication is an antipsychotic, it can impact your overall mental health and could cause more issues later.

Have you spoken to your doctor about this? I am not sure if you are currently seeing a therapist but if you are, have you expressed to them how you are feeling? If you don't have a therapist, are you able to talk to your doctor about having someone to talk to? They can work with you in why you are wanting to punish yourself. I think the bottom line is, figuring out why you are wanting to punish yourself with your medication.

It could be a form of abusing medication because you aren't following the directions on the medication and taking too much or little. It could also be a form of self-harm.

I think it is important to talk with a therapist or your doctor on how you are feeling and why you are wanting to punish yourself with your medication. If you don't feel comfortable or ready to talk to them, you can reach out here until you feel ready to talk to them about it.

I hope this was helpful in some way.
If you need anything feel free to PM me.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Lumos. Offline
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Re: question - July 24th 2017, 01:59 AM

Thank you for your reply. I feel better knowing that its not offensive the way i worded things.
But yes, I really like the medication I am taking, its one of the most helpful medications that I take. I have been on it for 2 years and it has always helped. That being said, I guess its more of a I can't allow myself to be okay. I need to be struggling and in pain. I think i'm addicted to feeling like shit, and messing with my medication allows me to do so. Its definitely affecting almost every aspect of my life,

I don't have a doctor or a therapist right now because I just moved to a new state, I did just get insurance so I could get a doctor soon.

I feel like now that I know i'm abusing the medication and that its most likely self harm I want to keep doing it. I want to be hurting, I deserve to feel like shit.
I feel like my thinking like this is okay, even though logically I know i'm stupid. I'm so stuck with this that I want to keep doing this and making myself feel even worse, and not tell my girlfriend (who I live with) that this is going on. I'm getting addicted to having the power of how much of my medication I take, I almost want to see how much I can push the limits of how much I can take.
I don't now what to do......





From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said, "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
  Send a message via Skype™ to Lumos. 
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
MsNobleEleanor Offline
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Re: question - July 25th 2017, 01:09 AM

When we dont feel the best for a long time and then start to take something that takes some of those feelings away it can feel weird and uncomfortable. It is because you are so used to feeling low and not okay. Others experience this. Its that you learned to cope and deal with those feelings but got by. Then this medication came along and started to change you a little bit. That can be a bit scary because you feel different than what you used to be comfortable with.

It is almost like it has forced you to go outside your comfort zone.

However, feeling better isnt a bad thing. Right now you need to learn to cope with those feelings. You need to rewire your brain, this doesnt haplen overnight. That is why a therapist can come in and help this process. It is a transistion.

When you arent take a medication that is directed, it can cause different affects to you. Lots of people abuse and use their medication for self-harm, but this isnt healthy, a healthier method is to take your medication as you are suppose to. I know it can be hard. Stopping it and restarting isnt benefiting you. I do understand that you want to feel the way you used to as that was more comfortable.

Its important to see a doctor and talk to them about this. They can help you to ease into your medication. It might be that the medication isnt the right fit even if it is working, sometimes its a dosage change that is needed. I also echo that talking to someone will be very helpful.

Are you able to look into free or low cost counseling in your area? This might be something you can look into when you are ready to or are interested in talking to someone.

I cant tell you what to do next, only suggestions and only do what you feel confortable doing. If you dont want it, it wont be beneficial for you in the end. You would end up not wanting to be there (doctors/counselor).

How are you doing today?


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Re: question - July 25th 2017, 07:20 AM

you just moved to a new state? that could be stressful. moving somewhere new is always stressful, and stress triggers all sorts of undesirable health issues, including mental issues.

is there something you are avoiding? and being sick allows you to avoid it?

its possibly one part of your brain/mind communicating in the only way it knows how, or getting what it wants in the only way it knows how.

you could try being silent and not try to figure it out, but just listen, observe, notice, become aware, and allow the answer to come to you, rather than chase after it.

just an idea.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: question - July 26th 2017, 12:43 AM

WretatsyRemedial-
Yeah, change is definitely a huge trigger for me, especially with emotions. I hadn't been on any meds for nearly 4 years, so going on one that worked and actually was helping me feel better really was hard. I know its a process, but i wish it weren't, My brain thinks of it as either i get used o feeling better right now, or I go back to the comforts of feeling shitty. I know that i will end up going to therapy and getting used to feeling better but right now its just tough.
I also know i'm doing it as self harm, because my urges have been sky high recently. All I want to do is give in, and while I know how to cope with them I just want to continue misusing my meds because its somethign that doesn't show up on my skin, so no one will know and i self harm without anyone knowing,..But instead f doing that I asked for more accountability and asked for help from my girlfriend. That helped, but its hard for me not to get secretive and continue to do it without telling anyone.
I will be set up to see a therapist in about a month i'm guessing. so i'll be getting help then.
I'm doing okay, i've been taking the correct dose for about a day, but i really just want to go back to messing with the dose, i've even gone as far in my thinking to want to "accidentally" overdose on my medication as a way of abusing it/self harm. I most likely wont do it thoough.
thank you for the reply. <3





From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said, "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
  Send a message via Skype™ to Lumos. 
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Lumos. Offline
Used to be Don'tForget
I can't get enough
*********
 
Lumos.'s Avatar
 
Name: Dionna
Age: 20
Gender: Agender
Location: Oregon

Posts: 3,122
Blog Entries: 84
Join Date: March 13th 2011

Re: question - July 26th 2017, 12:50 AM

del677-
Yeah i moved on June 8th from over 1,000 miles away. I am definitely stressed, I just moved oujt from my moms house.
Theres probably something that i am avoiding.I'm almost always avoiding something, its a pattern that i've had several therapists yell at me for so yeah. this is probably me avoiding something but I have no idea what. I mean maybe its just the fact of this being a huge change and also probably because I feel like i'm getting worse so why not make myself even worse..
maybe i'll try to better figure out what it is..
This is just kinda a shitshow.





From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said, "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
  Send a message via Skype™ to Lumos. 
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
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Re: question - July 29th 2017, 07:08 AM

Have you seen a doctor yet? I found a medication that worked wonders for me (though I had to try about a dozen that did not work for me) and finding the right medication changed everything and pretty much saved me. (So I'm a bit biased towards medication as in hey if it worked for me let's put everyone on medication. This is why I'm not a doctor.)

There are other things can be helpful too. Anything that can ease the stress, even if just for a short time each day, can be very beneficial.
   
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