Parents got me thinking

[Dopey]

I'm beginning to think my parents are right, I do need to take control of my drinking. But the thing is I like getting blind drunk. Not the resulting behaviour (the totally embarrassing myself and those with me), but just the fact that I'm out of it for a bit. The last time I found myself in this position I stopped drinking completely for over 18months. I wasn't old enough to be drinking anyway and was getting stoned out my head all the time, so avoiding the alcohol was relatively easy. And I knew I HAD to stop. Have I really got to that point again? I'm not sure. But two times in one week where I feel I've pushed the boat out just a little too far (out to sea and never coming back); that has made me think that my parents have a right to be concerned...and well I never think my parents are right.

I don't know. No-one likes to think they have a problem so I'm taking the steps to at least open myself out to the idea that there may be an issue here. But then again, I feel myself going on the defensive. I don't go out drinking all the time. And I am capable of having just a few drinks and being fine. Other times I'll be a bit pissed and 'just one more' seems like a good idea, when obviously it isnt. But like the two times in the last week, I often have the aim of getting completely out of it. Its like an escape. And even when I'm not using it as an escape I still feel as though I rely on it in a social situation. It helps me relax, to talk to people. And while I am perfectly capable of having a good time without drink, there are certain situations where, for me, getting drunk is the only way forward.

I'm just bouncing thoughts around here. I stopped drinking before for very good reasons. Things are definitely not as bad as they were then. Not even close. But I don't want to find myself in the situation where completely stopping is my only choice. I want to get a grip on this now. And surely by accepting that thats what I need to do and taking the steps to ensure I do that is the way forward. If I know all this and have the motivation to do it and stay in control, why do I feel worried? I can't explain what the worry is directed at, I just feel anxious. I don't even know if the drinking is the real issue here. Its just something my parents commented on after one bad episode. Am I just channelling all my thoughts and feelings into this because it has been identified, and therefore somewhere to channel them, meaning the only issue is in my head? I started drinking again 5 years ago and spent most that time at uni where I certainly drank lots. I might have needed to calm down a few times, but I think thats safe to say of nearly all the students I know. So why does now feel different?

This is getting long. I'm going to stop before I start chasing my own tail in circles. In reality I probably have issues, but I don't think its the drink that is the problem. If anyone can tell me where I'm going with any of this I'd really appreciate it. I've got myself all lost debating with myself...

[Chris.]

Ill be honest with you, you need to take a break from the drinking. You have listed many excuses and things which tells me that you are ready but you are just trying to ignore and deny it. Drinking is something to be done on occassion, weekends, or a few times a month. Drinking till you get blind drunk is not only dangerous, but not healthy and not right.

When you black out, you black out. In some cases you dont know where you are when you wake up, you dont remember anything and thats how you cause problems. Thats how people die. Thats how people get hurt. Stop now before your hurt yourself, and hurt others.

Remember, do this for yourself. Not becuase your parents are telling you too.

Goodluck.
Chris

[Dopey]

Its not like I'm drinking all the time. A couple beers after TA once a week and then occasionally at the weekend. How often I drink isn't the problem, its how drunk I sometimes find myself getting. And while I can say honestly that I'm getting drunk a lot easier than normal and finding it hard to adapt my drink consumption accordingly, I also know that part of me is chasing being that drunk. What I need to figure out is why thats the case.

I just deleted a massive chunk of writing....I was just making up excuses. I know you are right, I know the risks. But I also know I will continue to drink. What I need to do is learn moderation and self-restraint. If I prove to myself I can't do that I'll have to stop.

Thank you for replying.

[Chris.]

Its all about self improvement my friend. Unfortunatley we all have things that we want to change, some more life threatening that others. I do think that you should be more confident about this situation. Tell yourself you can improve, and do it!

You wont improve with being negative!

But Im glad that you are atleast reconising that you have a problem(s). Next step is finding ways to improve and make the problems into acheivements.

Best wishes,
Chris

[_sunsets64.]

I think you should at least take a break from the drinking for now, until you figure out what is causing you to want to escape by drinking. As chris said, it's dangerous, for you and others, to be drinking so much, and while you seem to be able to handle how often you drink, you don't seem to be able to handle how much you drink. That's a serious problem and could very easily develop into drinking more frequently. Reaching out for help is a great first step--you're on the right track. But, I think if you want to really tackle your problems, you're going to have to set down the drinks and stop trying to escape through blackouts. Even just a few drinks to ease the anxiety is a temptation, and you've got to stop, for your own sake. I know it's difficult and it's frightening to confront that root cause of your problems feeling so vulnerable, but trust me, it will make you so much stronger and you'll be so much healthier and happier in the end.
Good luck, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here

[Dopey]

Thank you both for replying. I was having a bit of a crisis with, well, just everything I guess the other night. The getting blind drunk is an issue and one I know I need to address. And will. However, despite my parents concern, I know its not the real problem that needs addressing.

One thing I can take away from everything that has been happening in the last 4 months is I've come along way since this issue last raised its head. Before I had to stop drinking, because I couldn't take control, I couldn't work through the real issues at hand. Instead I just drank through them. Now I'm older, more mature and more aware of who I am and the things that affect me.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll completely fuck up like I did before. But I think I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I don't need drink to hide behind, but can still drink without chasing the blackouts. And if I fuck up, well thats only one more night of shame and I will stop then.

[_sunsets64.]

Good luck with your decision! And remember-- Believe in yourself. You seem like a very determined person, and I believe that you can do anything you put your mind to I hope it works out and i hope you solve those other problems too. Keep us posted, whatever happens