Triggering (Abuse): Can I say no?

ForeverAnna · **Can I say no? -** July 7th 2012, 12:34 AM

Hey guys,

Okay to avoid confusion, let me just state here that I'm not supposed to know any of the following information, my sister, who's a year older, told me as mother told her.

So... as you may or may not know, my parents are getting divorced, the reason being that my dad was a bit of a man-whore and slept with quite a few other women, including my mum's bestfriend at the time. He may have family all over the country, illigitimate children that I don't know about. Anyway, apparently my parents have been 'legally separated' for 4 years and have only just decided to get divorced.

My mum is trying to get the house we live in signed over to her so my dad doesnt own half of it. My dad is going to live in the other have of town, to put it nicely it's the 'wrong side of the tracks' kinda place.

My question is, if my parents get joint custody, do I have to go stay at my dad's new place sometimes, or do I have a choice? There's some factors to consider too:

1- When I was a child, my dad used to abuse me, slap me and hit me, sometimes withe belts. Up until fairly recently I thought this was normal, like it was discipline, but everyone I know has never been hit by their parents. (Is it abuse or am I just overreacting?)

2- My dad is always working, when he's at home, he's on his laptop or his phone. I don't like the awkwardness and, to be honest, my dad still scares me.

3- My mother neglects me; at least I think she does. I don't want to use the word 'neglect' in such a trivial matter because I'm not entirely sure. My mother buys me food and washes my clothes but she...doesn't love me if that makes sense. She indulges my younger brother and older sister, but blanks me or brushes me aside as if I don't matter. I try to talk to her but she changes the subject back to my brother or sister. I don't know if I want to live with that.

So, can someone give me any advice? What should I do? Where should I go?

Thanks,
Anna

P.s, Sorry if this is in the wrong forum, feel free to move it if it is

Jessicasw · **Re: Can I say no? -** July 7th 2012, 01:59 AM

aww sorry that happened with ur mom and dad. I had a diff experience with my mom and dad. I hate my mom but i love my dad. jess

PSY · **Re: Can I say no? -** July 7th 2012, 02:48 AM

So you're basically being forced to choose between a physically abusive father and an emotionally neglectful mother? I'm sorry to hear that. =( Regarding your father, NO, you would NOT have to spend time with your father, if you and your other family members notified the judge that he was physically abusive in the past. As for your mother... I know it's not ideal, but between the two parents, I would opt for your mother, because at least you would have your siblings and the same group of friends (as you wouldn't be moving). She may not be supportive, but you would have other sources of support, which is more than you could say for your father.

~Wallflower~ · **Re: Can I say no? -** July 7th 2012, 05:11 PM

I agree with Robin, it would be safer to go with the mom. Even if your dad doesn't physically abuse you anymore, why take the chance. You should notify the judge of that if she/he is unaware if the past abuse. And as for your mom, you might be able to take advantage of the divorce to get some family counselling with her to assess the emotional neglect you experience.

HisPrincess · **Re: Can I say no? -** July 8th 2012, 10:03 PM

In agreement with both Robin and bumble bee, you should not have to stay with the physically abusive father as long as the judge knows that he has been abusive in his past. If the judge does not know, I think it would be a good idea to somehow let him know so you won't have to stay with him in the future. Though I know he is no longer abusive, quite frankly, you don't want to take the chance of him becoming abusive again and should not be placed in an environment that is unsafe to you. I know sometimes living with your mom will not be easy, but it sounds to me like the environment there is so much safer and healthier there for you than it is where you could potentially be in harms way the entire time. If I were you, I would try to look into some form of counseling to try and possibly mend the relationship with your mom a bit more.

Hang in there, we have your back!

~Angelica

ForeverAnna · **Re: Can I say no? -** July 8th 2012, 11:28 PM

Thanks for all your help guys, it makes so much sense and it means a lot

Would I have to tell the judge though? To be fair, it was a while ago since he hit me, and I'm still not sure that if it was abuse, what is not just discipline? He hit me because I was a bad child, I'm sure. Mother never stopped him, so I thought it was the right thing.

Thank you all

Anna

HisPrincess · **Re: Can I say no? -** July 9th 2012, 12:09 AM

Well I think it would be best to inform the judge and let the judge know when it happened. Punishment is usually brief and is done to correct behavior. Punishment is only done when the child did something wrong, not just whenever he feels like giving it out. Abuse on the other hand, is done whenever felt like it, not for punishment and is usually done excessively. Feel free to look in the resource section of TH, they have many links there to help define abuse. A lot of times in an abusive situation, the other parent does not stop the person giving out the abuse because they are scared of their partner at that point. So I think you should check out the resources on TH and try to define the difference between abuse and punishment based on what happened earlier on in your life.

We're here for you. I hope this was somewhat helpful for you. Lots of love,

~ Angelica