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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jesssmariiexo Offline
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Unhappy my life story, wish i could change it - July 17th 2012, 06:45 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Everyone thinks I have a fine life, oh nothing wrong. Sheís always in a good mood she has a family, two littler sisters that look up to her, nothing is wrong with her. Think again, i'm a strong person. I can personally say that I am very strong. People that cut themselves and try to commit suicide, thatís horrible and I feel like I could be one of those people if I wasnít as strong as I was. Iíll admit it, I have cut myself a few times, but iím smarter than that and I realized cutting myself is just going to give people a bad vibe of me, and itís not worth it. I donít want people thinking iím a cutter, or people questioning why I would do it because I have it Ďgoodí. People donít know what I go through on a regular basis. My dad, Iíve never met him. He walked out on me and my mom when I was first born and never had the nerve to come back or even make an appearance in my life. All throughout my 15 years my momís had 3 boyfriends, 2 of them which I donít really remember that much, from what my grandma tells me, there bad people. The third one, which is my momís current boyfriend, I personally think he is the worst. Heís an abusive controlling big baby. He tries to control my family, and my mom and me and my sisters. And he thinks he knows everything and everyone because he was in jail before. He brags about it actually, like bud, there is nothing cool about you going to jail. He is abusive to the point where I remember being a little girl, and if I would see the first star of the night I would make a wish, or if the time was 11:11 I would wish that my mom and he would breakup. He breaks everything, he has anger issues, and he says heís changed. He hasnít changed one bit. Iíve seen him punch my mom in the face, threaten to choke her, push her against walls. It might not seem as scary as it actually is. Especially having to growup to that. My little sister is my life. Sheís his daughter, but sheís still my sister so I love her. I have a step sister, which is just his kid. But sheís been in my life, and sheís still a young girl so I love her too because sheís part of my family. My mom and I donít get along at all because sheís a different mom when sheís with him. Without him sheís fun and awesome and cares about me enough to take me to the dentist. But since sheís been with him she is a bad mom. The worst thing to hear your grandma say to you is ďJessica, your mom will always choose her boyfriends over you, and thatís always how itís been and will beĒ. Iíve learned to ignore the fact that my momís with him, as hard as it is to do. Because thatís not easy having to live in a house where everything is full of anger and abusiveness. People meet my mom and him and they think heís awesome, but they donít actually know who he is. My whole family hates him, and is disappointed in my mom for making me growup and have to live with that in my life. Another thing would be relationships. Iím not a slut, I donít do anything wrong. But I fall hard for guys. I think itís because the fact that Iíve never had any type of male figure in my life, not a dad, not a grandfather because he walked out on us too. I never had any type of dad figure. So when I get love from a guy, I treasure it because itís the only thatís in my life at the moment. When we breakup itís like living hell and I canít get over him. Itís like I go into this crazy depressed state that I canít leave. I get so jealous of people and their perfect familyís, like my cousin. Me and her are best friends and were family too so it makes it even better. But she has a dad and a mom and a perfect life and she doesnít understand what I go through. She thinks sometimes she has it hard because of how strict her parents are. But Iíd rather have parents in general. Two parents that love me and just care what I do. Anyways, I was at my friendís house the other day, and her mom grew up with mine. So she decided to show me my real dads Facebook profile. His profile picture is two little girls that are identical to me. I have two little sisters that Iíve never even met, and my dad has never tried to come in contact with me. I feel so unwanted. And thatís my life and id love to know how to help with my relationship, heartbreak stuff. and what i could possibly do to fix my home life, because telling my mom i dont like him, doesnt work, ive told her many times.
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Chris Offline
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Re: my life story, wish i could change it - July 17th 2012, 08:08 PM

Well, I can firsthand say I have been where you are. I have gone down similar paths. The verbally/physically abusive relationships my mother has had, the horrible family life, the feeling of being unwanted, the getting attached to girls/boys because they are the only ones who feed you love. Ive been there, and I can honestly say that I'm no longer living in those conditions, or dealing with those issues. I'm free, I'm me; and I want you to be feel free too.

With the abusive relationship your mom has, it does sound like shes picking him over the kids (you and your sisters). If you keep telling her that you don't like him, and you don't want to be around him, and she isn't doing anything, then we already know where her heart is. Its not that she doesn't love you, its just that she is so in to deep with this relationship that he does have complete and utter control. I found that when I was going through these similar situations, I would seek out help. This would consist of making it known that I don't like him (verbally saying it to his face; which would release any emotions/hate I had towards him), I would talk to a school counselor on a weekly basis (they are there to help), and I always seeked help within my family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc). Although the environment was hostile, I felt safe. Why? Because I had a support group, and my extended family hated him as well, so I knew that if he ever touched me or my siblings, that he wouldn't be living very long. So, seek help, talk to extended family, build better family type relationships, and find an outlet to let out those emotions (writing in a journal, singing songs, exercising, simply talking it out, etc).

The feeling of being unwanted is going to be present because your not getting that positive attention from those you crave it from. Of course this sounds crazy; and I'm not a therapist, but I do know how past situations effect present of future living lifestyles. You strive for love from your mom, and from a father that you never met; so you try to find other ways to get that love. You seek out bad relationships, just because they show love (which leads to broken hearts). You seek out anything that shows love; and you constantly get let down. Listen, the thing is you need to love and take care of yourself before expecting anyone else to love and take care of you. This is such a very important step because you are with you every step of the way. Those loved ones (sisters, best friends, family), yeah, they will let you down sometimes. No one can ever be there for you 24/7, 365, and for the rest of your life. The only one who can is yourself. So make sure that you love, and care for yourself before expecting someone else to do that for you.

I know how this all seems; overwhelming. Like life is falling apart. Like your mom will never get away from him. Like you will never find someone to love you the way you love them. Like you will never live a good/successful life. This is all false, and I know I'm talking to the wall (because people have told me this aswell and I shrug it off), but your mom will eventually leave this guy and his abuse, you will eventually love yourself, and fine someone to love you back, and you will grow up, and live a good and successful life. These things take time. You cant rush them, but what you can do is understand that they will happen, and you can smile knowing that this is just a temporary situation, and when you grow alittle older, you can choose to continue on the way to success. After all, you said your strong, right? You can do this...

Best wishes,

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
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