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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
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What should I do about this friend? - July 26th 2012, 02:39 AM

Ok, so I come from a more well off family than my friend. My family has been able to support me a lot while I have been in college. Whereas she struggles a lot financially. But she makes a big deal out of it like she acts like she's better than me and has at one point gone as far as to say I should stop letting my parents help with school and all an purposefully go into debt with loans (which is fucking stupid) and is constantly making it seem like I can't comprehend what it's like to work full time (even though she only works full time in the summer). I get it, money is tight, but she goes out for coffee and whatever else with other people. Lately she's just refusing to hang out with me. And we don't even have to do stuff involving money (ex. it's super cheap to do somethings, like $5 OR LESS or totally free) but she never makes an effort to suggest other things she CAN currently afford to do.

Its like she's jealous or something. She was really bad last spring and stuff. She wasn't so bad again until recently. Now I am starting to think that the only way to keep her happy and nice is by having a job. Yes I think having a job is good, I want to be saving money if nothing else. But it really isn't her business if I work or not. It actually has nothing to do with her. I've been trying to find a new job but it's not easy and that isn't something I should have to explain to her.

I find it frustrating. Last time she wanted to go to a movie. And when I tried to confirm plans she bailed and got all snobby. I don't see why she would bother pretending to make plans if she's just gonig to bail for a stupid reason. I'm not forcing her to hang out with me. In fact, I could care less. I might see if she's free here or there, but she's getting obnoxious to the point that it's making me care less and less about being around her.

I'm at the point where I don't feel like try to hang out with her or even talking to her. Essentially, I am sick of trying to be friends with someone who can't get over what ever issue she has with me when it comes to finances and jobs. I understand that I have some things she doesn't, but I try hard not to flaunt stuff, I'm just not about to try to hide it to boost her ego cause she's being ridiculous.

I have talked to a few of my other friends and none of them have a problem with me and what I do or do not do. So I KNOW that it is just her (unless they are lying to me which I don't think they would). I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to lose a friend. But her attitude is really frustrating.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions

Last edited by Always *; July 26th 2012 at 03:28 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: What should I do about this friend? - July 27th 2012, 04:18 AM

It definitely sounds like jealousy to me. If it's not your money, then it's got to be something else. But either way, you've got something that she doesn't have.

I'm sorry...it's nothing you can really control. It would be very bad to just put yourself in debt to make your friend happy. Yes, you might not have it as hard as she does, but her criticism definitely makes other things hard.

It sounds like if she were a dedicated friend, then she wouldn't judge you for your financial stability. Would you want to keep being around somebody that victimizes you anyway?

I'm sorry to hear about that...that's a very unfair thing to happen.



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: What should I do about this friend? - July 28th 2012, 11:02 PM

I wish there was something I could do. Cause right now I'm just at the point where I am not talking to her cause I just don't feel like being dragged down by someone who is incapable of being happy for me cause she's so clouded by jealousy and a need to find a way to feel superior. She obviously doesn't want to be around me any more and aside from her stupid complex nothing comes to mind cause despite my attempts to make plans I haven't seen her for 2 months. Which is ACTUALLY just sad. I truly think it is sad that she's letting her jealousy go that far. Maybe I am way off base, but I doubt it cause I KNOW she's hung out with other friends. And I'm just done trying to ignore my frustration over her comments and her snobbery. It's just sad cause when she's not being stuck up she's pretty cool to be around and I don't have very many friends so I hate seeing a friendship be ruined.




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Re: What should I do about this friend? - July 29th 2012, 05:56 AM

Hello. My name is Molly.

Unfortunately, I do not have any personal experience in the area of friendships, but I do like to offer advice when I see something that might help in a situation. As such, all I can offer you is speculation on my part but I do hope that you find it useful in some way.

Jealousy is a part of everyone's psyche because everyone on the planet is a selfish being. We all want what is best for ourselves, but so does our minds (and our minds sometimes act subconsciously without our consent which can lead to all sorts of issues)! Sometimes, our minds can try to do what is best for us by attempting to steer us away from things that it perceives as potential dangers. Losing power/control in a relationship can be one such a danger. And yes, this can lead to jealousy.

Jealousy is, of course, completely psychological and although the trigger might have come from your family resources like you suggested, the actual problem is not that you have access to more resources than she does. The problem is that your friend feels like she lacks control/power in your friendship. This control/power dynamic is more perception than reality, so the solution is not going to be found in trying to make your friend feel "more comfortable" in terms of your monetary discrepancies. A solution will not be found by hanging out at places that are "cheap" or "free," because that would not address the real issue. The fact is, if your friend is jealous of you then your friend feels (whether legitimately or not) that you have more control/power in your relationship than she does. A clear sign of this, for me, would be when she canceled your movie plans at the last minute for no legitimate reason and became adversarial. Such rash acts can be a means of asserting power where a person feels like they have none.

A productive friendship, without balance, is not going to work. You might perceive what she is doing as a need to be superior to you, but in fact it is probably more likely that she is trying to avoid feeling inferior to you by distancing herself both emotionally and physically. All relationships will have a control/power tug-of-war to them, but this does not mean that your friendship is necessarily doomed.

There might be a way you can try to make things better, but it will not have anything to do with your resources or anything to do with you trying to place the two of you into situations where money does not matter. The solution is communication. You mentioned in your post that you have spoken to other friends about this issue. But the only person you really need to speak to is the friend in question. The two of you will HAVE to talk about these issues together or you will have to be content with the friendship ending. If you do not face them head-on, they will continue to build until they eventually end with the dissolution of your friendship.

This does not mean that communication alone will fix your friendship, of course, because jealousy is (like all emotions) an irrational feeling and it cannot be easily kicked. But it is where you will have to start if you are serious. After that, it will be largely out of your control because it is your friend who has the real issue and hold-up. If she cannot overcome what is bothering her, it will not be something you can change. And you will have to find a way to become content with that if that be the case. But start by communicating these feelings you have to her. Do not sugar coat them. Do not hold back. Your friendship is already at jeopardy, so if worst case scenario occurs and it crumbles as a result? You at least can feel complacent that you did everything within your power to save it when you could. A friendship without communication is like an automobile without gasoline. It might exist, sure, but it's never going to go anywhere.

Having said that, the decision is completely up to you.

As always, I only offer this advice because you asked.

I do wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: What should I do about this friend? - July 29th 2012, 11:13 PM

But the problem is that I've already explained things to her, like, for example I've told her why I am not able to get loans even if I wanted to (at least for right now) and she KNEW I was looking for jobs (which IS a good thing might I add) and that part of the reason I am not rushing just to take just ANY job is because I need certain experience for grad school and that I'm going to focus on volunteering and stuff until something comes up. That's not me saying I don't need a job, that's just me wanting to try to develop a good skill set. And actually, to be honest, I WISH I'd taken just a what ever job in May cause frankly I've been bored this summer with only online classes (not that she knows THAT cause I haven't seen her this summer)... So it's not like she's unaware of what's going on, I think she just takes everything the wrong way and now I don't know what to do about it. It's like she is jealous of what I have and wants nothing to do with me as a result (recently at least) but in the past she has tried to take advantage of it (such as asking me to take her places an hour away or even places she could easily bus too). BUt she was fine ALL winter, so I assumed she'd found a way to be ok with our differences, but then she got bad again and isn't even talking to me yet I've literally done NOTHING to her :s... I do suppose I should talk to her, but I'm not sure how to bring something like that up to someone who isn't even speaking to me. But at the same time, this has been a problem for me for so long I don't even know why I want to bother. No, I don't want to lose a friend, but I also don't want a friend who will try to make ME feel bad over stuff because she needs to feel better about it.... I guess opportunity given, I would talk to her about it but it's more like I wish she'd just realize that we're different and let jobs and money go already.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions

Last edited by Always *; July 29th 2012 at 11:30 PM.
   
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