TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Detritus Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Detritus's Avatar
 
Name: Jordan
Age: 28
Gender: Male

Posts: 16
Join Date: February 9th 2009

Need some serious advice for overcoming social shortcomings. - August 26th 2012, 02:13 AM

Hello everyone, I figure I should first say that I really hope that this is the right section of the forums for a post like this to be on, and second, I hope it's not too odd that I'm technically not a "teen" anymore, but provided I didn't mess up with either of those, here goes..

I'm 21 years old, and I am having a really hard time trying to become more social. I want to be able to start friendships on my own, but I'm so poor at socializing, that it physically hurts to try to initiate so much as a conversation with a stranger.

As you would expect for someone in such a situation, I'm a pretty lonely guy to be quite honest with you, with very low selfesteem combined with very little social experience due to being homeschooled since Kindergarten. I do have some friends, but all of those friendships were initiated by them, not by me. Normally this would be okay, if it weren't for the fact that if I get too close to someone, I really start to wear them down because of my personality.

I really don't know what to do honestly, I'm tired of spending my life at school or at home, but when I try to insert myself into a social gathering either at school, or somewhere else(such as a church), I am never able to do anything.

Basically, the too long didn't read version would be: I'm horrendous at making friends, and especially horrible with talking to the opposite sex, and I want to change that but I don't know how.

Any kind of help would be appreciated.
  Send a message via AIM to Detritus  
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Eternal Offline
Lead Moderator

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
Eternal's Avatar
 
Name: Nicole
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: PDX

Posts: 12,425
Join Date: October 14th 2010

Re: Need some serious advice for overcoming social shortcomings. - August 26th 2012, 02:56 AM

Hey Jordan, I moved this over to Friends&Family since you're asking about how to get friends rather than a romantic relationship.
Also, its completely fine that you aren't a teen anymore, we actually have several members who are 20+.


And here you are living, despite it all.
Lead Moderator | Disputes Committee | HelpLINK Mentor
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Detritus Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Detritus's Avatar
 
Name: Jordan
Age: 28
Gender: Male

Posts: 16
Join Date: February 9th 2009

Re: Need some serious advice for overcoming social shortcomings. - August 26th 2012, 03:00 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicole! View Post
Hey Jordan, I moved this over to Friends&Family since you're asking about how to get friends rather than a romantic relationship.
Also, its completely fine that you aren't a teen anymore, we actually have several members who are 20+.
Thanks so much! I did consider that board first, but I thought it was more tailored to specific problems with a specific person.

And I would like to state now that any advice that deals with both initiating social opportunities with the intention of leading into romance would be greatly appreciated too.
  Send a message via AIM to Detritus  
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Maddiystic Offline
Member
Average Joe
***
 
Maddiystic's Avatar
 
Name: Maddi
Gender: Female

Posts: 104
Join Date: July 3rd 2012

Re: Need some serious advice for overcoming social shortcomings. - August 26th 2012, 05:15 PM

Are they telling you that you wear them out from your personality? They might actually like your personality, Jordan!!

Social skills are developed from experience in socializing. You seem to have the will to learn, so I just recommend you be outgoing and start talking to anyone, really.

I'd say more but honestly this isn't my strong area either.

Best of luck, Jordan!
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Detritus Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Detritus's Avatar
 
Name: Jordan
Age: 28
Gender: Male

Posts: 16
Join Date: February 9th 2009

Re: Need some serious advice for overcoming social shortcomings. - August 26th 2012, 06:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shade View Post
Are they telling you that you wear them out from your personality? They might actually like your personality, Jordan!!

Social skills are developed from experience in socializing. You seem to have the will to learn, so I just recommend you be outgoing and start talking to anyone, really.

I'd say more but honestly this isn't my strong area either.

Best of luck, Jordan!
Thank you! And honestly, nobody is flatout telling me that I wear them out, but I can plainly see it, as people tend to get tired of repeated negative behavior a lot.

And I do have a desire to be outgoing, but I have an incredibly hard time out in the real world with it. I'll have the drive, but then when I actually get inserted into these social situations, even the thought of talking to someone I don't know is extremely terrifying for me.
  Send a message via AIM to Detritus  
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
Hugh Jackman ♥

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
PSY's Avatar
 
Name: Robin
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Southern California

Posts: 10,015
Blog Entries: 34
Join Date: June 12th 2009

Re: Need some serious advice for overcoming social shortcomings. - August 27th 2012, 06:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Detritus View Post
as people tend to get tired of repeated negative behavior a lot
Congratulations - you have identified one area that you can work on, and we didn't even need to tell you! =) NOBODY wants to be around someone who is constantly negative. If you are always talking about negative feelings/events, or doing things that are harmful to yourself or the friendship, then obviously, people are going to get tired of being around you. The solution is equally obvious: stop being so negative. You can, in fact, control that by using a "filter." Think about what YOU would want if you were in your friend's position. Would you always want to listen to or be exposed to negativity? Of course not! So limit yourself. If something bad happens, think about other alternatives, vs. immediately running to a friend and "dumping" everything on them. What are your other coping mechanisms? If you don't have any, develop some. My favorites are to grab a cup of coffee and spend some time reading a book. After about an hour, I can feel that I am much calmer, and don't have a pressing need to discuss everything with a friend. Instead, I can talk to them about the positive aspects of my day first, and I can have some fun with them BEFORE mentioning I have a problem and would like some advice. Think about how much time you spend talking about good/fun stuff, and how much time you spend talking about bad/unpleasant stuff. If you're spending 55 minutes talking about bad stuff and 5 minutes talking about good stuff, you need to switch the numbers around.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Detritus
And I do have a desire to be outgoing, but I have an incredibly hard time out in the real world with it. I'll have the drive, but then when I actually get inserted into these social situations, even the thought of talking to someone I don't know is extremely terrifying for me.
This isn't terribly uncommon - even people who aren't homeschooled can experience some form of social anxiety. Meeting new people can be difficult. It's one thing to want to meet new people... it's another thing entirely to initiate the conversation and open yourself up to criticism/rejection. I would focus on improving your current friendships first. After that has happened, let them know you'd like to expand your social circle by meeting new people, and ask them if they know of any parties/events coming up this week/month. If they're going, you can ask to tag along, and if they agree, you can also ask if they would be willing to introduce you to a few people, just to make things a bit easier. Once you're at the party/event, think about how you managed to become friends with your current friends - what did you say/do? If it worked once before, it can work again!







Last edited by PSY; August 27th 2012 at 06:16 PM.
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
advice, overcoming, serious, shortcomings, social

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.