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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kerser Offline
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Unhappy Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - May 30th 2013, 10:04 AM

I'll try do this as brief as I can.

About me: 16 year old teenage MALE, I'm popular, trying hard in school, always out on weekends, everyone in school likes me, I was happy and motivated so no problems there.

Situation: I got really close with a friend (Same sex) from school, and talked on facebook non-stop every night since September, do everything together (Parties, chilling, school, gym you name it) and thinking processes very alike (I see our thinking processes to be on another level from the rest of our agegroup), it's great and made me really happy.

*shit has happened leading to this but not necessary info* I've raised some issues via text/fb making saying things like 'why are you ignoring me lately etc.' which was stupid I'm letting my emotions getting a hold of me and causing more fucking issues. He replied saying things like "I feel like your acting really clingy and dependent it just feels weird and makes me cbf.. it feels like i have some sort of responsibility over u and i dont want that with a guy mate lol"

Drama like that happened over like 2 days, and I thought it'd all be better and cleared up.

Now it's changed all of a sudden in the space of a week and I'm not sure why, he seems generally uninterested in me now and doesn't really talk on FB anymore and not at school either. He's sick of me being 'dramatic' (Which I don't usually do, it's only the past few days)
At library however he talks to me there as if everything's normal and I have to act normal so he doesn't get sick of me completely... It's really depressing and I don't know what to do about it. I've been really teary the past few days and I'm not that kind of person (Haven't cried in about 6-7 years)

How should I approach this? I need to fix this NOW otherwise I'm going to be unhappy and unmotivated (WHICH I DON'T NEED, IMPORTANT EXAMS) for the rest of my school years (1 and half more).
I know 100% I will never have a friend as good as him and it's not just my emotions saying that, trust me.
  • Should I wait a week? Really try hide my sadness I can put it off if it's what I need to do
  • Talk to him about it? When? How do I approach this?
  • How should I manage my emotions infront of everyone for the next week or 2 (I'm very upset) [I'm a dick when I'm sad/angry, makes things worse]

I don't know how he can fucking do this to me (It feels as if he just doesn't know what best friends do), I want to just rage or just bring the issue up in a sad manner right now but that will make things worse, I can't be dramatic about the issue anymore.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit: I've already made the mistake of coming across as angry, dramatic and clingy very recently however he doesn't fully understand my perspective.

He really doesn't empathize with me at all.

Please help someone

Edit 2: He said on FB last night:

y ur not talkin lately
im srsly just wondering lol
dont ark up m8

idk just cbf lol

what

talkin on fb is an effort

r u always gonna b lke this
pls dont
its always fun

u'll b alright
wat is non stop talking on fb for so long its so distracting
im sleep GUD NIGHT

It DOESN'T BOTHER HIM AT ALL. WHY!? HE JUST THROWS A PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AWAY LIKE THAT SO SUDDENLY
   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 1st 2013, 12:05 AM

First off, hi and welcome.

Second of all, I've been in the exact same position as your friend before, so I know what he's feeling like, so bear with me. (And, I also came close to losing a very good friend because of it, but now we're good friends, so something must've worked, eh?)

Some people are simply more introverted than others. They - or I should say, "we" - value our privacy and our ability to think. Talking for long periods of time distracts us from our innermost thoughts, and that drives us crazy. Some of us value our solitary time so very much that we'd rather drop friends than deal with them bothering us out of our thoughts all of the time, lol. Most of us introverted types also like to avoid confrontation, causing tons of extra problems, simply because we're too much of a coward to discuss the problems we're having with friends. I've been known to go so far as to deactivate my Facebook, because I have a complex inner dilemma that I'm trying to cope with, and the excess responsibility of carrying on a conversation is very difficult to me. These sudden departures lead the forgotten friends to be confused and unable to cope.

Folks who value privacy and quiet time - in this case, your friend - don't mean to hurt you. Your friend probably sees this as the most evasive and effective way of regaining his thoughtful times. The best way to regain his friendship would be to apologize, and tell him that he's welcome to message you when he feels like it, or simply don't message him and wait for him to miss talking to you. In the latter case, I would suggest moving onto another friendship in the meantime, or if you'd rather not deal with it, move on to another friendship altogether.

There really aren't many options, especially after a friend has already broken away. After dropping one of my very good friends quite suddenly, I spoke with him and apologized (after about a week of not talking to him at all), and explained the whole situation. It was thus resolved, and we're now better friends than ever before. But there are a million other like-minded people in the world to befriend, not only this one: Just look in the most unexpected places, and you will find them.

Good luck, Kerser. I wish you and your friendship the best.


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 1st 2013, 09:46 PM

I've had this happen recently.

Don't take this the wrong way but first of all just relax about the whole situation. Try to see it from his point of view, despite how close of friends you are talking and being with someone literally all the time can get to be a bitch much.

What I would suggest doing is just give him some space and try branch out to other friends so that you're not going to him all the time. And I know, its way more fun to hang out with your best friend then who ever else but it sounds like he just needs some time apart. It doesn't mean that he's "throwing your relationship away." It just means maybe he has other things going on in his life and the constant contact is pressuring him. When this happened with my best friend the way I salvaged the situation was just to apologize for being so "needy," and explained it was just because I didn't like hanging out with other people as much. I then just gave him space and instead of every day asking him if he wanted to chill, I'd be like "hey me and so and so are going to watch a movie, want to come?"

A lot of this stuff is going on in our heads and isn't necessarily as serious as we make it out to be.


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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 3rd 2013, 07:43 AM

Thank you both. How should I apologize? (Like location, wording and what the mood should be like [serious/lighthearted etc.]) Like it's been like a week, is it still okay to just come up and apologize out of no where? He isn't really talkative with me, but still talks to everybody else he usually talks to being all jolly and interested in conversation and I just get really upset watching..

I need to apologize or set things straight relating to:
  • Being Clingy
  • Being depedent
  • My mental state and stress and not dealing with emotion much being a factor to this
  • Bringing everything up so seriously (He stated in a text 'it's just annoying when u bring up everything so seriously')


I'll just be like:
'Hey,
I've been thinking about what you said about me before (text/fb) and
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for making you feel that I'm being really clingy I was in a horrible mental state and under a lot of stress .......... ' (This is pretty bad lol too serious I think)


I have no idea how to deal with this situation can someone give a quick run down on what to say and how to say it please it would be much appreciated



I'm so desperate to fix things and I just cry randomly in the day because I have no idea how to fix it I really need to execute this perfectly.

Last edited by Kerser; June 3rd 2013 at 08:22 AM.
   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 4th 2013, 12:42 AM

Kerser, just relax a bit, eh?

It will be alright to apologize out of the blue, yes. If he believed you to be of any social value to him, he more than likely will be missing your conversations even now. The simplest way of "executing" this apology, is simply this: To apologize. With these skittish folks, though, it's easiest to apologize in a lighthearted manner. Get to the point very swiftly, and after apologizing, don't expect anything in reply; it's best not to allow your hopes to get up, as if it turns out for the worst, it would be a horrible let down for you, and of course that wouldn't feel very good.

Try something like: "Hey, just wanted to tell you sorry for being so clingy. It doesn't really matter if you still don't want to talk to me anymore, but it's been bothering me that I drove you off by making you feel responsible for me and being dramatic, neither being things I wished to do. This is basically to clear things up on my end of the matter. Thanks for reading/not reading this. 'Bye."


Underline the fact that you don't wish to pressure him into complying with what you wish him to do (that is, to return to being your friend and the previous levels of communication). This removes the pressure from him, and he may choose to do what he sees fit without being influenced either way; also, he's more likely to begin speaking to you again. In the future, I'd let him message you first, and only speak to him in passing unless engaged in conversation, that way he continues to feel less smothered in the friendship. Letting him have his space is essential to maintaining a friendship such as this one.

Good luck!


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 4th 2013, 07:49 AM

You are a bloody legend mate I can't thank you enough for that! I'm so happy now, I think I can get this to work hopefully, you should feel good! Really helped me out, I'll let you know how it goes in a few days.

I'll do this IRL when we're having a somewhat good time so I can say it in a lighthearted manner.

How can I bring it up without it being weird? Like should I say "Oh by the way I read over the texts the other day, just wanted to tell you sorry for being so clingy I didn't realize. It doesn't really matter if you still don't want to talk to me anymore, but it's been bothering me that I somewhat drove you off by me being an over-dramatic moody piece of shit & making you feel responsible for me, none of these being things I wished to do. Just wanted to clear things up on my end of the matter.

Last edited by Kerser; June 4th 2013 at 09:29 AM.
   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 4th 2013, 05:19 PM

Haha, I don't know if I'd call myself a legend, but I certainly help where I can.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerser View Post
"Oh by the way I read over the texts the other day, just wanted to tell you sorry for being so clingy I didn't realize. It doesn't really matter if you still don't want to talk to me anymore, but it's been bothering me that I somewhat drove you off by me being an over-dramatic moody piece of shit & making you feel responsible for me, none of these being things I wished to do. Just wanted to clear things up on my end of the matter.
^This sounds ideal. It's casual, off-hand, and it also doesn't pressure him - which is exactly what you'd want to do, I'm sure.

And yes, let me know how it goes! Again, good luck.


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 6th 2013, 08:31 AM

Fml, as we were parting ways I said my apology and we said bye, I reckon it went alright but it doesn't really affect him at all, I don't see anything changing as a result of this apology so idk what to do....

edit: now that im thinking better, ill just say that actions speak louder than words so ill have to demonstrate that I'm still the same person i used to be and hopefully it goes back to the way it is. BUT WHAT IF? WHAT IF it doesn't go back to the way it was somewhat, WHAT DO I DO THEN?

Last edited by Kerser; June 6th 2013 at 01:43 PM.
   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 6th 2013, 09:10 PM

If things can't go back to "normal' despite your attempt to repair the situation, well, that'll suck, but unfortunately people grow apart sometimes. There are other people in the world to meet and being forced to disengage and spend more time/energy on other friends might actually benefit you guys at this point and help with repairing your friendship if he's not feeling he has to take care of you and always keep your by your side.
There are a lot of other people in the world, it's not like he'll be the last person in the world to be your "best friend". Hell, i've got many people I consider "best friends" because I've been closer to people at different points, sometimes people drift apart and get closer again as time goes on, so you guys might not be so close now but might be closer later on. It never feels good to feel like losing someone if you are attached them but I promise that wound will heal and you'll move on. As you said, you're popular enough so it's not as if this guy is your only friend in the world.
Just give him some time, don't keep forcing the issue on him. You've apologized. Now let him come to you. Hopefully it'll be ok, but if not, it'll still be possible to be ok. So don't panic, just let it roll.




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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 6th 2013, 10:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerser View Post
Fml, as we were parting ways I said my apology and we said bye, I reckon it went alright but it doesn't really affect him at all, I don't see anything changing as a result of this apology so idk what to do....

edit: now that im thinking better, ill just say that actions speak louder than words so ill have to demonstrate that I'm still the same person i used to be and hopefully it goes back to the way it is. BUT WHAT IF? WHAT IF it doesn't go back to the way it was somewhat, WHAT DO I DO THEN?
Then it may not work, Kerser.

If it doesn't go back to the way it was, then he was never truly your friend in the first place. Now that you've cleared things up on your end of the friendship, then you may proceed to find new friends, if that's what you'd like to do. You don't have to worry about it overly much anymore. You'll be okay, man.


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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Angry Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 10th 2013, 12:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Wallflower~ View Post
If things can't go back to "normal' despite your attempt to repair the situation, well, that'll suck, but unfortunately people grow apart sometimes. There are other people in the world to meet and being forced to disengage and spend more time/energy on other friends might actually benefit you guys at this point and help with repairing your friendship if he's not feeling he has to take care of you and always keep your by your side.
There are a lot of other people in the world, it's not like he'll be the last person in the world to be your "best friend". Hell, i've got many people I consider "best friends" because I've been closer to people at different points, sometimes people drift apart and get closer again as time goes on, so you guys might not be so close now but might be closer later on. It never feels good to feel like losing someone if you are attached them but I promise that wound will heal and you'll move on. As you said, you're popular enough so it's not as if this guy is your only friend in the world.
Just give him some time, don't keep forcing the issue on him. You've apologized. Now let him come to you. Hopefully it'll be ok, but if not, it'll still be possible to be ok. So don't panic, just let it roll.
The thing is, we didn't just "grow" apart, our friendship was going better than ever... then BANG - this shit happens, that's why I'm so confused as to why he'd react like this, and now he's paying a more attention to another friend in the group and I feel betrayed.

I'm not going to take it well if things don't get somewhat better, people CANNOT just throw away someone that close to you like that, just to what ... social climb?

I'm going to be so fucking pissed and upset if things don't blow over the way I expect it too
   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 10th 2013, 02:03 AM

Growing apart doesn't always go over time, sometimes these things just happen, like if I decided to join the military and my best friend was an avid hippie who hated me for joining the establishment (I'm a sociologist with a few radical friends soooo that could happen logically speaking)... Your friend might have been building up some kind of issue/resentment to you for a while and trying to let you go, saying "its not worth causing a problem over" because maybe what ever it was WASN"T a big deal, but it might have just been a few things that for what ever reason started getting under his skin and just been unable to cope with ignoring it and just blew recently, growing apart might be misleading but it's still applicable if you ask me. If he feels like you were preventing him from being able to broaden his social circle, then, yeah, that could lead him to resent you more. YOU might be the kind of person who prefers hard core loyalty to a limited amount of people and that's fine, there is nothing wrong with that, but a lot other people don't want to feel like their friends are holding them back.
Do I think that this is how it should be going down? No. Do I think you should be ok with it? No. But that seems to be how it's going down. You can't always get your way, you might have to accept that this is how it's going to be and if he things your acting even more clingy/needy in your attempts to get him back (which you did say was something he complained about then it might just put him off more. I know it sucks, I've had friends knock me around my whole life, maybe not the same way, maybe they only excluded me and talked about me behind my back and maybe I was always the one who felt left out. But it's not as if I can't understand what you are feeling right now. But you need to understand that you can only control what is going on here so much and that if you try to control it to hard you might not be doing the situation any favours. It's a balancing act: giving him enough space without giving him so much space, acting at the right moment. Just try to relax the control. I know it's hard but you got to realize you might not be able to do anything about it, if he doesn't want to be super close to you any more then that might be that. And if your lucky you guys will get closer again later on. All he might need is time and you need to try to find a way not to drive yourself bonkers meanwhile




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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 10th 2013, 09:35 AM

How much 'space' is a necessary balance? Like should I still make the effort to occasionally say things to him at school (I'll try not come off as clingy), or just not say anything at all?

ATM I'm just trying to give him space but still showing that I still like him by occasionally messaging [I'm stopping now because I get no reply half the time] and trying to be interested/happy in conversation IRL(even though he is continuing to kinda giving me the cold shoulder).

And thanks for your help so so much, it really helps - and to all of you that posted as well

Last edited by Kerser; June 10th 2013 at 10:06 AM.
   
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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 10th 2013, 08:38 PM

I'd stop texting him or messaging him on facebook unless you have something pertinent to say (ex. skip the mundane chit chat and go directly to "hey, when did coach say football practice was?"), so skip asking how he's doing, skip asking him when things will be ok, etc etc, only text him if you can't avoid it, that way he won't feel that jarring annoyance of wanting space and how having you right there on his phone.... I think it'd be ok to talk to him when you see him at school though, it's a good start, just don't insist on talking to him every time you see him and try to give him opportunities to be the one to approach you first. It might not get better instantly but if you can prove you can give him space that'll be ok... And it'd probably still be good to spend time with other friends so that you don't dwell on him to much, i know it might not REALLY help but it might make a difference in the long run if your not focusing solely on the negative aspects of your friendship with him and start instead by focusing on positive aspects of building friendships with others. That's not giving up, it'll just give you a chance to focus on other friends so that he's not all you think about, that way your not trying to claw your way back in and actually giving him space




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Re: Losing best friend?! HELP NOW - June 11th 2013, 09:43 AM

Fantastic! I'm doing the right things now I think - I've learnt all my mistakes and I feel like an 'improved' person, I think this was good for me as I really learnt how to not act of insecurity and I'm going to think more logically about situations --- so I'll just talk to him about the whole situation end of this week maybe and hopefully sort things out.

Thank you so much That's all the help I need thx every1!!
   
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