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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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No Respect for My Father - June 3rd 2013, 10:19 PM

Hello everyone. First post here. I have a lot of personal and mental baggage that I would like to start getting off just because I want people to know. I don't expect a magic fix for any of these problems and they're things that I am and have been continually working on every day through mental and perspective changes. I appreciate any input and any questions for clarification or elaboration since this may get a bit complicated, in the future at least if not now.

Let me start by saying this.

I have no respect for my father. At all. In fact, I even dislike him. I don't hate him, because he's harmless. It's not the presence of the bad that makes him unbearable at times, it's the lack of the good. Let me explain.

My family dynamic is this: I am the youngest child, a son, among three: two older sisters. My sisters are 9 years and 10 years older than I am. My mother is very "dominant" and "alpha" in the way that she controls everything, she does everything useful, and she just basically tells my father what to do and bosses him around because he would have no direction otherwise. She came here when she was 20 and above all she is motivated and ambitious, even in little details and it's on the verge of being crazy controlling. My oldest sister is the same way and I always felt like I was growing up with two mothers and one submother (the other sister).

My father does nothing. He used to be a chef at a restaurant but he stopped and he is one of the most irresponsible and unreliable person I've met. He is not accountable for anything, he does not know anything about anything. All he knows how to do is drive safely from place to place and that's it. It's not that he doesn't love me. It's just that he's never shown he's cared about me. He's never been a good role model for me. He's not a real man in my eyes. I have no respect for him.

Every time I ask him something like where something in the house is, or something about life, he'll just be like "i don't know," whereas my mother will always have an answer. My mother is very good at planning out things nad even though she can be overbearing at least she cares and always asks questions to be up to speed with things that I am doing and my life. My father is none of that. All he is is just there, watching tv all the time and eating with his mouth open. He's weak, he's ignorant, he has no sense of what a man should be and he is the opposite of what I consider a man to look up to.

He is physically weak. He is mentally weak. He says it's better to not work out because what if you get hurt? Excuse my frankness but what a pussy? What kind of perspective is that on anything in life? How pathetic. He is unaccountable and I don't even know one thing he is good at that is useful teaching me.

He never hung out with me. He never taught me anything. He never taught me how to throw a ball, or play basketball, or how to be a man, or how to behave, or how to treat women. I had three much older females always controlling me and telling me what to do and I hated it.

He expects me to respect him and help him out with things because he is my father. He was no more my father than a potato is. I am very reluctant to do anything for him because why should I? What has he done for me? How has he earned my respect and love? He hasn't. He just sits there and expects it and thinks everything is perfectly fine and wonders why I don't love him as much as my sisters do.

There's a bond that a father and son should share that is different from father-daughter relationship and it is just not there.

Also he used to sing all the time and I'd tell him to stop and always bicker with him as a child and my sisters would just tell me to stop and respect him which is freaking stupid. I felt like he never listened to me when I tried to voice my complaints about why I would get so annoyed at him and he just didn't give a fuck or take me seriously and I just felt like I was being ignored.

And now, many years later, not much has changed. I try to be nicer now just for the sake of being nice but it's so fake and I hate it. I don't really even want to try to work on our relationship because even if I were close to him I don't want him as a role model, I don't want to be like him.

But I don't have anyone to be like. I've never had a male role model to teach me "the way," and that part of me feels really empty. I feel so lost and in that part of me, I feel like a 3 year old child who has yet to be fathered into a man. No one has ever taken after me, no one has ever cared about me like a father should, I never had anyone to look up to or to show me the way.

I've tried to grow by myself and look for role models but it has not worked as much as I'd like it to. There is the lack of interaction and feeling like I was wanted and that feeling of being the "little one," the small version of another to grow up into a different version. If that makes sense. I fight every day of my life to replace what should have been there in the first place but it's hard to find a replacement for something that should have been given to you a long time ago.

Now I'm older and no one really wants to see me as a "younger brother" or "son" like figure anyway and I'm being seen more as a man who should be independent or a soon-to-be-man and I'm nowhere near that. And that makes me really sad too because I'm so behind. I'm still a child on the inside, lost and waiting for someone to love him and teach him. I'm still looking for someone to take after.

To anyone who actually read this thank you. I just wanted to get it out... If it made sense, even better, thank you so much more.
   
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Re: No Respect for My Father - June 8th 2013, 03:48 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp! =)

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I could really relate, with regard to my mother-daughter relationship. I, too, feel like I grew up without a strong mother figure, and while there are a few older women I look up to and seek guidance from at times, it's not the same. I'm 24, and still feel like I'm missing that part of my life.

What I've learned over the years is that you can't choose your family, but you CAN choose how you react to the family you were given. You can either sulk about what you don't have, or you can make the best of your situation. It seems you've done the latter (making the best of your situation), but it's understandable that you would still feel that emptiness and dissatisfaction. Hang in there! Someday, you may find that father figure after all. If not, then you can still get bits and pieces of what you seek from other men. For example, my stepmother has helped me grow as a professional, and my boyfriend's mother has given me make-up and gardening tips. While I still wish I could have everything in one person, I'm grateful for what I can find in other people.

I'm assuming you're in your later teens, or maybe you're just now entering adulthood. Regardless of where you go, there will be opportunities to meet positive male role models. They could be teachers or other school staff members, coaches, neighbors, co-workers/supervisors/managers, friends, friends of friends, therapists/counselors, etc. Sometimes, the next mentor is someone you've never even considered (in my case, some of the people who seemed the most intimidating were actually very helpful, once I took the time to get to know them).

I wish you all the best, and hope you will continue to seek support on TeenHelp in the future! =)






   
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