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dani99 Offline
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Unhappy What's the right thing to do? - June 29th 2013, 06:19 AM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have no idea what to do. I'm in tears right now and I feel like I'm either going to betray myself or my friend. It's like a fail fail situation.

I'm 17 and my friend is 18. A few weeks ago she found out she was pregnant and she was scared because her parents were threatening her if she didn't get an abortion and her boyfriend was begging her to get one (she found at at about 4 weeks).

Well she decided to make an appointment to get one because she felt lost and confused. It got delayed because she was still a minor at the time and the doctor wanted to refer her to someone else.

Back ground on me: I'm VERY pro-life. And I lost a baby in January 2012. So this was hard for me to hear. I tried so hard to tell her that she needed to fight against her horrible support and try to keep her baby or consider adoption. I tried to give her hope by telling her the story of my cousin's birth mom who got pregnant with her at 14 and was kicked out and how much better she is thanks to my aunt helping her, but she refused to listen.

So yesterday (June 28th) she did it. I think she was like 9 or 10 weeks. But she said she felt nothing at all with the ultrasound. That it was just a "blob". But she did it. She aborted her child and I don't know how to think.

She told me she didn't plan on looking but for a second she did and saw it all happening. She end up texting me hours later telling me how much pain she was in. Told me she felt horrible and upset and in pain.

Before it happened she told me she felt 100% confident about it and felt nothing for this baby. But now she was telling me it felt even more awful when she looked and now she feels horrible and said "I didn't want to do it but I had to"

She wants me to come over tomorrow. I'm probably going to do it..but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I want to be so mad at her and tell her she's horrible for murdering her baby. But then I don't want to be a bad friend. I love her like a sister and want to support her through this hard time. I have no idea what to do!

What seems better? Going against everything I believe in and be there for her or going with my gut and avoid her? This is so hard for me. It's hard to be there for her when I believe so strongly in the right to live, especially for babies that can't even speak their own voices.

Also, I don't want this to be a debate about pro life or pro choice. I just want an answer to my question.


Just a girl with an angel above, just a girl with an angel to love. My angel grew wings and she did dare to fly. But I promise my angel, it's only good night but never good-bye. My angel, my angel in heaven above. My angel, my darling, you'll always have my love. Rest in peace, my sweet darling, it's only temporary that we part. My angel, my angel, how you still do steal my heart </3


   
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Re: What's the right thing to do? - June 29th 2013, 10:38 AM

Ok, tough decision for you to make. You're obviously very passionate in your own personal beliefs, and I respect you for that.

So what do you do? You have two basic options here - to concentrate on your beliefs and what has happened, or to concentrate on the present and your friend's pain.

Ultimately, you need to make this decision. I know which way I would advice, but I'd prefer you to think through the options yourself.

If you talk to her, then you'll have to work hard to make this about her and not your beliefs.

If you don't talk to her, then be gentle when you tell her you can't (again, try not to make it about your beliefs if you can).

Either way, you can't change how you feel or what you think about the situation. My only advice is to be honest but kind.

If you want my opinion on what you should do, then let me know - but as I said, I'd rather it come from you.


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Re: What's the right thing to do? - June 30th 2013, 02:12 AM

I think you have to realize that most women do NOT come to an abortion easily, she's upset for a reason. A large part of why she did it was likely because she was pressured too and it's very hard to have a child that you do not want if no one is going to support you, it's very scary to do at the best of times when you are young an unprepared. It might help if you realize that it's like that, that she's going to be hurting it. People do not choose abortions because they don't realize they're ending what could have been a brilliant life, it's not like people can't figure that out and that makes it an incredibly difficult choice and why even pro-choice women are not as likely to go through with it. Like I am pro-choice and that's because I will always think there are circumstances where it is justified and necessary, such as my friend who has diabetes and kidney problems which is a combination that would mean she'd probably die if she tried to have a baby. I think if you were on drugs and got pregnant and just couldn't face bringing a baby into that world, then ok. Even if you just REALLY didn't want the baby. I'd never ask a woman to justify it to me, but there are definitely circumstances where I could absolutely see it being not merely a choice but an absolute necessity, as is the case with my friend because i would NEVER ask or expect a women to knowingly risk her life....

My point is though it's not an easy choice, so I think you should try to be supportive of her and help her through this tough time. It sounds like your pro-life because it's killing a baby, well, think about how she must be feeling thinking about stuff like that. She's going to be punishing herself enough with the doubt. If your truly her friend you shouldn't add to her guilt and try to help her through it.

That's my two cents. Don't hurt her more by shutting her out, she doesn't need her guilt to be intensified because you are resenting her for HER choices. Her choices do not directly harm you. I know it contradicts your beliefs, but it's not fair to punish her because you guys have different values, she did what she felt is right.




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Re: What's the right thing to do? - June 30th 2013, 04:49 AM

To me though it is no different than being friends with someone who just walked up to someone and shot them in the head because they didn't like them or because they made their life hard. I know people see it differently, but to me an unborn baby's life is just as valuable as a person already out of the womb. Because location and size of a human has nothing to do with the value of it's life.

I'm considering leaning towards being there to be a shoulder to cry on because I know she didn't come to it lightly. Because she's young and scared and only human (and we all make mistakes). I've already told her straight up that I don't agree with her choice, that I think it's wrong but like Jesus already forgives her, I forgive her too... It's just hard when she went in detail today and told me about the whole thing. I know she was scared and had a horrible time doing it, and I want to be a good friend but hearing it made me want to be sick. She did tell me this morning she would never go through it again. She's already having mixed emotions and regrets and told me she felt terrible.

It's just so hard for me because when I was 14 I might have been pregnant but I never tested, I just overdosed on all of these pills and ended up having what might have been a miscarriage (heavy bleeding with clots and bad pain). And I took the pills with the intention of getting rid of the potential baby.... that's the reason I'm so pro life because I realize how horrible it is. I regret it everyday and wish I would have waited and took a pregnancy test and wouldn't have possibly killed my baby.But it's also the reason why I've forgiven her and will try to push passed all of these feelings.

I might ask her to not bring it up much around me unless she REALLY needs someone to talk to because ever since she's been talking about the abortion I've been having nightmares about my possible baby I might have killed and also the baby that I lost through miscarriage and I can't stop crying over it. I'm losing sleep over it. I'm even losing my appetite over it. And it's all surfaced bad over her talking about the abortion.

This is going to be really hard.


Just a girl with an angel above, just a girl with an angel to love. My angel grew wings and she did dare to fly. But I promise my angel, it's only good night but never good-bye. My angel, my angel in heaven above. My angel, my darling, you'll always have my love. Rest in peace, my sweet darling, it's only temporary that we part. My angel, my angel, how you still do steal my heart </3


   
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Re: What's the right thing to do? - June 30th 2013, 01:18 PM

I understand where you're coming from, I understand your beliefs. I myself am more pro choice, although I do personally not agree with abortion at all and would never have one myself. But on to the matter at hand.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I am the kind of person who is extremely loyal to her friends and I personally think you should go to her. She is having an extremely hard time right now, and she needs you to be there for her. Her parents weren't there for her, the father of that child wasn't there for her, they were the ones pushing her and threatening her into getting the abortion. And now, she probably feels alone and scared and doesn't know what to do. She needs someone to help her, and so she called you, her best friend. Like you said, everyone makes mistakes...and I really think that best friends should be there for one another, especially in situations like this.


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Re: What's the right thing to do? - July 1st 2013, 05:10 AM

Well, it's hitting her super hard (it's been 2 days now since she did it). She told me sshe finally broke down crying and screaming. She regrets it. She said she wants to be pregnant again with her baby. She said she wants her baby back. She also told me that she feels as if she's going to hell for this and she said there was no way God would ever forgive her for this.

My heart is breaking for her. She wrote this and sent it to me about her baby.

"She had my eyes, your nose, my lips. Ten tiny fingers and toes and a forehead I'll never get to kiss. Our angel above, please forgive - because mommy and daddy were too scared to let you live."

I wish I knew what to tell her. I wish I did. I hate her choice but she's young and had no proper support. And now she's miserable because of it


Just a girl with an angel above, just a girl with an angel to love. My angel grew wings and she did dare to fly. But I promise my angel, it's only good night but never good-bye. My angel, my angel in heaven above. My angel, my darling, you'll always have my love. Rest in peace, my sweet darling, it's only temporary that we part. My angel, my angel, how you still do steal my heart </3


   
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Re: What's the right thing to do? - July 3rd 2013, 12:54 AM

My pastor has a wonderful way of explaining how a Christian can approach situations like this one, and unfortunately, I don't think I can articulate it as well as he can. In summary, we need to glorify God with everything we do. Sometimes, religious beliefs (which can include being pro-life) can be a hindrance to making genuine connections with people, and really showing them how merciful and wonderful God is. People hate the Westboro Baptist Church because its members let their beliefs get in the way of being decent, loving human beings. They say hateful things in defense of their beliefs - which is exactly what God DOESN'T want Christians to do.

You can be pro-life... but if your pro-life stance causes your friend to feel unlovable, then you need to consider changing your approach, lest your friend come away with the idea that God and Christians as a whole hate her for this choice she made. Your friend is hurting. She needs love. She doesn't need a lecture - trust me, if this is something that goes against her core beliefs, she already knows she made a mistake. Now, she needs to know she can be forgiven, that people will continue to support her, and that there is room for healing on physical, emotional, and spiritual levels.






   
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Re: What's the right thing to do? - July 5th 2013, 12:54 PM

You could tell her something along the lines of: If there is a loving God, then (s)he will love you unconditionally. We are permitted to make mistakes, but as long as we acknowledge them then we can be forgiven.

It sounds difficult for you, but you are doing the best that you can do right now. No one could ask anything more of you.


Feel free to email/PM/VM/whatever me if you want. I'll answer as soon as I can.

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