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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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MysNatt Offline
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Unhappy Ex-Drug addict is now my Mum's boyfriend... - July 6th 2013, 02:03 AM

Okay I'll try keep this short.

I understand my mum can live her own life. And technically speaking I have no say in her relationship (and/or life) choices.

She's been divorced since I was 4 (now 17) and has only had 1 boyfriend since this. (Worth mentioning my parents are very good friends to this day)

However, recently she has been dating this man who has been a customer and friend/acquaintance of my father for about a year now at the restaurant where she and my father work.

Frankly, before even actually "knowing" him, I found him brash, very loud, and quite frankly a very vulgar person. I didn't like the way he spoke to my mother; always commenting on her (to me) in a filthy fashion.

I think its worth mentioning that not long after meeting him, I discovered that he was previously many years ago done for attempted murder and possession of hard drugs such as Heroin and Cocaine...

When I discovered that he and my mother were dating a month ago, I was VERY shocked. I don't think I've ever been THAT shocked ever before in my life. Simply the reason being that in no way I believed he was her "type."
I used to think that once knowing of previous drug addiction my mum would very unlikely respond to flirtatious behavior like he was giving out, or a "second look" as it were put - Obviously I was wrong....

I know that my mother is sleeping with this man. (I could just tell) and this slightly bothers me because of 2 reasons:

1. Although I understand that it is her relationship and not mine, I feel she has rushed into it faster than she anticipated to.

2. Because of reason 1, I believe that perhaps this man is putting on the cheap "nice guy" act to her just to get a cheap thrill. And that in a couple of months he is just going to leave her....

Obviously I have no way to justify these toward her that would make her listen or apply it to the relationship, but at the same time I feel uncomfortable knowing that she is starting to think of going to see him more than her family (of which she is very close with...)

The main issue with this new relationship is that I feel uncomfortable with my mother associating herself with a man who has been clean for just 18 months! I don't want him near my home (but know he has stayed there), nor do I want to meet him. I feel that when I see his face now I just want to run away or ignore him even more than before the relationship started!!
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Re: Ex-Drug addict is now my Mum's boyfriend... - July 6th 2013, 02:19 AM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp!

All you can do is voice your concerns, then hope your mom makes the right decision for herself and for you. If she doesn't break up with him, then you'll need to decide how you're going to act around him. I understand not wanting to associate yourself with him, but if your behavior toward him makes your mom upset, you may have to face some pretty serious consequences. A "falling out" with your mom due to rejecting her boyfriend could be temporary (if the relationship eventually ends or she accepts your stance) or permanent (if she ends up marrying the guy or holds a grudge against you).

My father married a woman who struggled with untreated bipolar disorder. I wish I had spoken up while they were still engaged, but felt it wasn't place because 1) I was 16 years old, and 2) he seemed happy with her. Years later, when my father separated from (and later divorced) that woman, he told me he wished I had spoken up, because I am his daughter and my opinion DOES matter on some level. Do I think that would have changed his mind? No, but at least I would have been genuine about how I felt.

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Re: Ex-Drug addict is now my Mum's boyfriend... - July 6th 2013, 06:45 AM

Hey Natalie,

I'd also suggest talking to your mother about your concerns; however, do so tactfully. Remember that he is human and, apparently, makes her happy, so try not to degrade his character. Rather, bring up your concerns by talking about his behavior, not him as a person; for example, say "I worry about his past drug use" rather than "I worry because he's a former addict." For some reason, humans respond better to this kind of language, even if it says basically the same thing.

I'd also recommend that you attempt not to be hateful towards him. He could be a changed man and could treat your mother very well. You don't have to directly associate, but sometimes, it is good to assume the best of people. You may end up disappointed if he does relapse or is not kind to your mother; but he could surprise you, and actually be a nice guy. My uncle was addicted to alcohol and cocaine, and he's a wonderful person. People can change, so don't assume from his past that he's automatically terrible. I'd worry more about the comments he made to you about your mother, personally. I hate that stuff.

Good luck!

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& the sun said “it hurts to become."
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addict, addiction, boyfriend, dating, drugs, exdrug, family, friends, mom, mum, murder, relationship

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