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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Lelola Offline
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Acting like Adults - July 7th 2013, 08:59 AM

Ironically, these are two of my friends who do not want to get a job. One finally has a job. They hooked up in November after they helped me with a project where I needed an audience for a speech. The girl wanted to convince the guy to have a relationship with her but he didn't want to but convinced her not to say anything to me. They hooked up a few times and it ended up her coming to me and telling me everything about the relationship which pissed me off but I didn't want to get involved so I comforted her but didn't yell at him.

So then they hooked up again a few months later. It ended up with her meeting up with me at lunch and complaining about how she thought she could change him. I think at this point I advised both of them to stay away from each other or don't involve me.

Then a third time, she told me again that they had hooked up and swore it was the last time. She then proceeded to tell me that he wanted a threesome with me even though he knew I was dating someone. We had some laughs about his insecurity when it comes to sex (he apparently flipped out when she joking told him to double bag it and he lectured her on the dangers). The threesome comment ticked me off even more but I didn't confront him based on what she said.

Finally, she texts me to tell him to delete her number. I told her that she needs to block him and I told her to call her cellphone carrier for help. I told him he needs to delete her number because I am sick of her dragging me into the middle of it.

We're not in fucking high school. We have been out of high school for years now.

So end of the story is to not try to set up your buddies from two different circles that vaguely knew each other from high school.
   
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Re: Acting like Adults - July 7th 2013, 03:08 PM

Well, I'm not really sure how I am supposed to respond to this, I'm not sure if you want advise or if your just venting... I was just sort of thinking that you can't really complain that she was (as you say) "putting you in the middle" when you were the one who set them up to begin with, she probably assumed you were the best one to approach because of that and because you know them both she probably expected empathy that she wouldn't get elsewhere. She probably did that without thinking that you just didn't want to be involved in her relationship/romantic/sexual problems or drama or what ever. But her, at ;east you've figured out that setting up people up isn't your thing. I wouldn't discount it though, just be more practical next time, like make sure you know they're perfect for each other OR don't tell them what your planning, like make plans where you invite them and then kind of ask them "so what did you think of X later" and see if you can get them to like each other on their own with a little prompting. If people walk into something knowing they'll be set up it might set them up with the unrealistic expectation that they need to do something because they have to

But you can't expect her to not tell you about her boyfriends ever, just let her know that you don't like being involved and that she can't expect you to solve her problems when she is repeatedly doing something and complaining that she "never meant to" or that "this is the last" when you know she's just going to do it again. But instead of blaming her for talking to you, because your her friend and she trusts you, you could be honest with her, like if she's doing something stupid be like "no, X, that's a horrible idea, just don't do it again" and then just tell her straight up that you can't fix her problems. Yes, it can be annoying when someone keeps doing something stupid but sometimes it is better that you just set them straight and hope they listen to you so you do not have to hear about it again instead of sitting around blaming them for their stupid behaviour when they may not yet recognize the problem of their actions




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: Acting like Adults - July 7th 2013, 03:24 PM

It's a mixture of venting and just seeing what people think. I don't want to offend either friend, but I also really feel like telling them to deal with their own problems. The guy is doing a great job of keeping me out of it, but she wants to drag me into it all the freaking time.

At least she's in love with her new boyfriend so she won't be going back to him.

As for setting them, I encouraged him to ask her out but he said he wasn't. Then he convinced her not to let me know that they were hanging out and then having sex because he knew I would disapprove. I have talked to him in the past for basically having a date with a girl that he knew liked her but he didn't share her feelings. He swore that it wasn't a date because he used gift cards for food and an employee discount to get into the movies for free. That girl and him held hands too on the 'non-date" that she viewed as a date too.

It was more of her asking me to ask him what he thought of her. He said he wasn't interested and I gave him her number just in case.
   
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Re: Acting like Adults - July 7th 2013, 05:46 PM

Hm... well, nothing wrong with that, I wasn't sure how involved you'd gotten there, but I wouldn't sweat it. Some friends will take that sort of stuff to the extreme. Like when I was in high school 2 of my friends liked each other, and I told one of them that and then suddenly I was the one who was being told to tell the other this that and the other and finally I was like no, a bunch of us went to the movies and they were holding hands and made it official. When he cheated on her suddenly it was all my fault and i was some huge bitch for "forcing" them to get together, trust me, 4 of the people on that first hang out were our brothers so there was no way I forced anything, they got together of their own volition. So you'd be surprised how any involvement can bite you in the ass.

But in any case, it can be hard to know how to draw that line between being there for your friends and supporting them... and not wanting to have them drag you into the problem. Just figure out how to draw that line and you should be ok




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