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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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What to do about mom? - July 8th 2013, 01:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, haven't been on this site in like years, but I'm really lost and would appreciate some advice if anyone can help me...

Anyway. Things are complicated with mom and I, and I'm starting to get really sick of it. Since it's hard for me to explain it all without rambling too much, here's a list of examples of why I can't stand her:

1. She is always a victim. She says that my father and I are bullies. She says often that we do not like/love her, have any respect for her, or care about her, and that we are manipulative, rude, and spoiled. She says she is tired of being the "punching bag" of the house. We are not ever allowed to disagree with her or correct her, or she will get mad at us and say that we are "attacking" her.

2. She lies. She will deny having said hurtful things or claim that I'm remembering things wrong. She puts words in my mouth and claims that I've said horrible things that I didn't. She also holds grudges and uses past fights against me to support her claims that I am abusive and cruel to her.

3. She uses body language against me. She will claim that I am looking at her with a hateful expression when I am not. I have to be careful not to roll my eyes, look angry, pout, or show any physical signs of irritation with her when we do fight, or she will become enraged and then use it against me in the future as well. It seems like she is always collecting evidence to use against me.

4. She accuses me of doing the things that she does. She'll mock me during a fight, then yell at me if I do it back. She'll yell at me, then yell at me for yelling back.

5. She disregards my feelings. If she offends me and I say that I think she was being rude, she does not care. If I don't take her advice on something, she treats my opinion as invalid and chalks it up to me being "uncivilized." If I say that she's hurt my feelings, she comes up with excuses to make it seem like it was totally justified and I deserved it. She doesn't seem to believe that she is capable of hurting another person's feelings.

6. She has slapped me, said that she hates me, and called me a few choice words.

7. She makes excuses for being mean, saying that she just wasn't feeling well, or that it was my fault for making her upset.

8. She tries to get rid of me during a fight by saying that I'm making her sick, making her blood pressure go up, etc. She will even scream and hold her stomach. Her health problems always seem to conveniently flare up when she's in an argument.

9. She one-ups. No one in the house is allowed to be in more pain than her, ever. If you tell her that you're sick with one thing, she has that and more. She even one-upped my sister after she told her that she'd been raped and had a miscarriage, saying that those things aren't a big deal because she went through them, too.

10. She never has time for me. If I'm upset, angry, scared, or not feeling well, she will usually push me away and then shame me for dumping all of my problems on her when she has so much to deal with herself.

I could go on, but those are the most notable things. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I feel bad, because I can't stand her. I have to act happy around her, because I can't tell her how I feel. I have tried and tried and tried to tell her that it upsets me when she acts the way she does, but in the end the blame ends up coming back to me, and somehow I am made to think that it was my fault all along. It's always something I did. I know this isn't a good way to live, and I need to move out. But that's where things are complicated.

I have a neurological disorder called Pseudotumor Cerebri. I am often weak and tired, and I have a hard time staying awake for long periods of the day. Because of this, I haven't been able to drive or get a job. I am going to college this fall, but I'm not sure how I'm going to make money when classes are going to be hard enough to keep up with. But because of all this, I am completely medically and financially dependent on my parents. My medical bills would've added up to over 15k in the past year alone if it weren't for my dad's insurance. And I know that if I ever did anything to displease my mother, I would lose all of that. My sister had the same problems. Mom was much worse to her. She keylogged her, read her emails, called her a bunch of horrible names, told her she wished she would die, drove her out of the house, then blamed it all on her and cut off all support. She ended up living with a bunch of sketchy guys and getting raped, getting so little to eat that she fainted more than once, went into debt so bad that she almost had to declare bankruptcy at 20. I'm so afraid. I don't know what to do. I have no choice but to do exactly as Mom wants, only I don't know what she wants from me anymore. No matter what I do, I'm always the bad guy. I get so tired of it, sometimes I feel like the only solution would be to kill myself. What can I do?
   
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Re: What to do about mom? - July 14th 2013, 08:01 PM

Hey there! I'm sorry you didn't receive a response sooner. It sounds like there's a lot going on with your mom, and unfortunately, all you can really control is your behavior and response to her behavior. Since she's not going to change, I'd suggest figuring out some coping mechanisms. Maybe it's writing down your feelings, or expressing yourself in other ways. Remind yourself that you ARE a good person, and that while it takes two people to fight, your mother is the one with the "issues." She's the instigator.

I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened with your sister. Are you considered a dependent adult, due to your medical condition? If so, you may be able to receive support from various government agencies and non-profit organizations. You shouldn't have to worry about becoming homeless and losing medical benefits if your mother throws you out. Start making some calls, and find out what your options are, should the worst-case-scenario occur.






   
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