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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Blastoize Offline
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Father Comming Back To The Familiy After 3 Years - August 2nd 2013, 11:28 PM

I suppose I should give as much information and start from the begining.

In late 2010, my father cheated on my mother with some model he met at his companies party. The rest of my family was quite shaken by it, my mother didnt eat anything for days, my sister stayed in her room for most of the day crying, but I was largely unefected by his leave. We didnt really see him all that much anyway, so I didnt mind. He tried to come back to the family several times, but he always stayed with us for a few weeks and left for a different woman, this happened 4 times.

In March he broke up with his latest girlfriend and came back to us again, only this time, it feels like its for good. It has been five months, the longest hes stayed with us in a very long time. I suppose this is great on paper, and it is in real life to some extent. My sisters are happier than ever, especially the two youngest ones. The problem is, I just dont want him back any more. The time he spent away from our family showed me how we have nothing in common, I would even say that we are complete opposites, how much better off we were without him. I really dont feel comfortable around him. Everything from what college he expects me to go to, to which clothes I should wear, to which friends I should hang with, to what I should do in my spare time, we clash on and it is unbearable for me to keep pretending how much I love him.

What I wish I could do is just tell him to go away, that he has had his chance. Then I think of the other members of my family, how sad they were when he left and how happy they are now and realize how selfish I am for wanting this, so I go on pretending I like him. It is also obvious that he has good intentions and loves me, which only makes me feel worse for not doing so back. This was going fine for the first 4 months, but I have just been getting more and more stressed about it and as a result been unable to properly sleep at night, my temper is also a lot shorter. Another big problem for me is that I cant talk to anyone about it, a way I most often relieve of stress, because this isnt something you discuss with friends and I dont want to upset the rest of my family.
Do any of you have any ideas? I really am at my wits end and I doubt what Im doing now is sustainable.
   
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Re: Father Comming Back To The Familiy After 3 Years - August 3rd 2013, 03:37 AM

Hey. It sounds like you're in a tough situation. Have you tried telling your mother how you feel? How does she feel about all of this? Maybe talking to her will help you, but I understand if you aren't comfortable doing that- I wouldn't tell my mother either.

One thing that has helped me over the years is just accepting who my parents are and moving on. Saying to myself "my father made some mistakes. He made bad decisions" helps me focus on the present not the past. I know it's hard to accept these things and move on, but it will help you in the long run. You don't have to love him and spend a lot of time with him, but if you accept that he made mistakes (as we all have), hopefully you will find that you are not hating him as much.

Another thing you could do is get out of the house more. Join clubs at school, play sports, go have fun with your friends, volunteer. Removing yourself from the situation a little more by keeping busy might help you stop clashing as much with your father.

If you EVER need someone to talk to about any problem, I'm here to listen PM me if you want. I really hope things get better for you!

<3 Nal
   
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Re: Father Comming Back To The Familiy After 3 Years - August 3rd 2013, 09:15 PM

You are most certainly in a tough situation. Unfortunately you can't exactly just inform your dad that he should leave the family if he isn't exactly doing something wrong, it's not like he's one of your friends who you can just stop seeing if their interests are contrary to yours. And you obviously know that or else you'd have no problems with doing so. Especially since divorce and having a missing parental figure is often very challenging for a lot of kids. I know a lot of parents do an excellent job of helping their children to understand and be ok with it, but some parents get so caught up in their own issues or else their kids don't show it to them and thus the kids having issues with a divorce along with a parent goes unnoticed, and it sounds like the rest of your family is really benefiting from your parents reconciliation and the return of your father.

Might i ask if part of the issue might be his abandoning you? Like maybe you feel resentment towards him for thinking he can have anything to say about what you do and what you like etc. after he left. Cause trusting him again and NOT resenting him might be something you guys just have to work through. It might be better if, instead of being like "dad get the hell out of here" if you sat down with him and had a mature conversation with him, just sort of sit him down and say "look dad, I respect you *don't care if you scoff at that, you must have some ability to at least force the respect if nothing else or you wouldn't try at all*, and I want things to be ok here and i really have been trying since you came back, but I am having some trouble with my attitude towards you ever since you came back, it seems like you want very different things for me and while I am sure you wish I was more the way you want me to be that's not how it is, I wish you could try to appreciate me for how I am instead of always trying to change me", write it in a letter and hand it to him if you have to, tell him you are afraid you might not get it all out if you speak. Don't tell him how much you wish he wasn't there though, that'll just hurt him a lot which isn't fair. He's not going to just leave, so you might as well focus on the things that you DO have a hope in changing (such as how you guys have very different ideals for your living since he came back and on how you might feel angry about him coming and going) So try that.

You might also want to consider seeing a counsellor, having a parent coming and going and the affair and all can be particularly challenging. This would be good if your relationship with your father is so strained you can't sleep properly and such. And at some point the counsellor could bring in your dad to fix things between you




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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