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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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eliza298 Offline
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Unhappy My life is about to be turned upside down :( - August 28th 2013, 12:48 AM

Today, I got home from cross country practice extremely happy. It's my first night off work in a while, and I was excited to be home. But pretty quickly my day (and probably my life as I know it) went downhill. My mom was waiting outside the door when I got dropped off and said that she was going to look at a house. I wasn't too surprised, because she has been looking at other houses recently. Our house is really expensive, especially considering my mom is single and working in a restaurant. It's not very big, but its cozy and I love it. However, the school district I live in consists mostly of kids who come from very wealthy parents. I feel like I have to pretend I'm someone I'm not, even with most of my friends. We get by because my mom gets money from her dad every month, and she also gets money because my dad died (they were already separated when this happened). Anyway, I asked if I could go with her. She told me yes. When we got to the house, I almost immediately hated it. It's small, and extremely worn and ugly. I didn't say much at all during the tour. All I could think about was going back to the days where I felt embarrassed to bring friends over, where I felt so ashamed of my house. This was only two years ago, and we moved out of that house because we couldn't afford the work it needed. But I love it here. I don't want to leave, and moving into this tiny house my mom wants will be like 100 steps down. I don't want to go through that again and I don't want to leave this place that I love so much.
When we got into the car, I burst into tears. My mom didn't comfort me, but said things like "you're such a baby", "why are you doing this to me", "I can't f****ing take this", "I never have any money", "you don't care about me" etc. My crying turned to sobbing and the sobs were accompanied by hyperventilating. Her mean comments continued, and I felt worse than I have in a really long time. She yelled that we weren't going to move and that she would just be miserable forever and work all day and never be home to do things for me and my sister.
I feel so alone, and I just wish I had a dad to run away to. Someone who will open their arms and comfort me. But I'm just alone.
The other option would be to move to a cheaper house in a different school district. I would be sad to leave my school, no doubt about it. I'm very comfortable and happy there for the most part (other than having to hide my financial situation). But wouldn't that be better? I don't know I wish I could just stay here. I love this house, and I don't want to leave it. But I don't want my mom to be stressed out and unhappy. Please help me... any advice? What can I do?

Last edited by Chris; August 29th 2013 at 04:13 AM. Reason: Moved to Friends & Family Forum
   
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Re: My life is about to be turned upside down :( - August 29th 2013, 01:33 PM

Well, I'd suggest that you just stay at the house that you're currently living at as it'd be really hard to just move to a different house. It maybe true that your mom might be unhappy and stressed out with just staying at the current house, but the thing is she's a parent, and your mom. She's supposed to be willing to sacrifice anything in order for you to live your life better and be happy. That's what every parent needs to do for their child. Your mom shouldn't even be thinking about herself; she should be thinking about you and what would be the best thing to do to make you happy, and that is just staying at the current house.




“The main thing is realizing that even if you feel terrible for a while, that’s not how you’re going to feel the whole time. . . . Things change if you just keep moving.” - Gary Vaynerchuk
   
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Re: My life is about to be turned upside down :( - August 29th 2013, 05:01 PM

I hope you understand the situation your mom is in. By the sounds of it she's feeling very strained and worn out from having to work WAY to much to provide for your sister and also being a single parent can be more stressful then a dual-parent household. There is only one income, thus more financial strain in many cases, AND if the dad is absent (or passed away) that can create additional issues since there is no one to share parenting responsibilities with and there is no one who can provide that "special kind" of emotional support in times of stress. So moving might be easier for your mom, she probably knows the house is shit but feels she has no choice if she's having trouble paying other bills and for food and such.

I disagree with Mark, I don't think it is at all wrong for her to think moving to a more affordable place is better for you and your family. Yes, it might upset you and yes, you might be ashamed of the financial situation, but your mom is probably already sacrificing a lot, she has to depend on money from other people (ex. your grandpa) just to get by and your mom probably hates having that be her reality. She IS providing for you and she IS doing everything possible. But it isn't realistic for her to live outside her means just cause you don't want to live in a crummier house. She probably wants to be able to spend more quality time with you guys, or maybe she's at serious risk of going into debt if she doesn't find ways to live within her means a little more.

I don't want it to seem like I am solely siding with your mom, but you might want to try to understand her point of view too. It's not easy. I don't think there is any way that either of you can get your way here. But it might help if you sit down with your mom and tell her that your sorry you haven't been more supportive but that at school your afraid people will know about your families strained financial situation and judge you for it. If she understands how being around all these wealthier kids when you feel like you can't compete with them freaks you out. You have to understand she can only do so much to fix that, and if you know you'd never ask for more clothes or shoes or better bags or what ever other superficial things then make sure she knows that BUT if you try to explain to her that that's why moving to this less-nice home upsets you because you feel like you can't invite anyone over if that happens cause otherwise "they'll know" then at least she will be in a position to also understand YOUR view. You can ask her if it is REALLY that important that you guys move and ask if it is possible to look around a little more for somewhere nicer.

But you have to accept what ever she says. Just because you've expressed your view and asked if anything can be done for the situation doesn't mean she's just going to be able to sympathize with you or change the reality. I already explained about single parent households--she has to do what she has to do in order to get by. But maybe she can try to be more understanding.

Lastly, for the wealthier kids. Don't worry about them all caring. I had a lot of people acting like I was going to be sooooo judgemental and mean because my family was wealthier. And I was always thinking that I wished people didn't automatically assume that I was a stuck up snob. To me that would have been like if I thought people with financial problems were lazy, criminals, or losers etc. (which I'd never think). It can be hard when you want to do something and a friend can't but it's usually like what ever, shift the plans. But I have so many friends who make comments about how X is just lazy and her parents pay for this, that and the other and that, for me, is just insulting because I've never abused my parents money, I've always worked hard and am a busy person and I find it insulting that some people act like parents helping their kids financially while in college or what ever is some marker of being spoiled and lazy. Maybe the person IS spoiled and lazy and the parents money contributes to that but still. My point is that people have this tendency to make unfair snap judgements on their end of the scale, so try to give the kids at school a break, if they really like you then they won't give a crap about what kind of house you live in




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