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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Alohacee Offline
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Exclamation Family Conflict --- Trust Issues & Damaged Relationship(s) - September 15th 2013, 02:57 AM

Hi Teen Help, My name is Chanelle Ugalde. I live in Oahu, Hawaii and I'm 17 years old.

My conflict that I'm dealing with now is with my parents.
Now previously I have discussed on a different forum website on my last situation and I feel it has affected me to the point where I really don't know what to do or how to communicate to my parents.

On my last discussion, I had told my story.

I was raped, last year, by my (unofficial) 18 year old boyfriend.
And from then on I stopped seeing him.
He wouldn't leave me alone, and proceeded to stalk me and my family members.

He left letters at my house when I wasn't home, and shown signs that I knew were not good. When I finally had enough I reacted on emotion and went to his house for confrontation.
That day he wouldn't let me leave, and held me against my will.

Being raped by this man before, I feared for my life. Because I didn't know what he was going to do to me next.
luckily I got away, and my parents placed a restraining order on him, until my 18th birthday.
We are still currently trying to put him away for what he has done.
They tried to get me to see a Therapist, and it didn't help. And they told me to see my school counselor whenever I needed to.

Then later on during this summer. I got into a predicament with my parents, about a boy I had met at a party.
I started talking to him, and going out late with him and spending time with him. I didn't have any real interest, but during that time my self-esteem had plummeted through the ground. And like the pathetic person I am, I enjoyed his attention (because I looked for someone to just pay attention and listen to me at the time.) Especially because in reality, I didn't have anyone to talk to.

This was during the time I was just getting back into being social and actually talking to people again.

And on a sidenote: My parents have always been strict, but they had my best interests in mind. I've always disagreed with their reasonings, but again I tried to accept/respect it.

But everything they told me hurt me, negatively. I took everything they told me personally, because I was emotionally and mentally unstable. I had problems staying focused in school and suffered from PTSD. I was in a dark place and I starved my self due to my stress. So when my parents act hostile towards me, I can't tell whose really being the positive influence in my life right now, the people I talk to or my own parents.

During this time I had made the decision to leave my house due to an arguement based on me coming home late from the beach, with some friends and with a guy.
Things blew up, and I was beaten by my dad, so I just left and was fed up with everything.
I stayed with my uncle for a short period of time, until
I was violated/raped by my uncle.

Things went down hill and I felt God was punishing me.
I thought, "If God loved me, why is he making me go through all these terrible things... I just wanna' die.."

I left to my friends house, and continued to see the guy, hoping for closure and for something to just make me feel better. All I really, and desperately needed was comfort, from someone.

I told my parents both of these events had happened.
They believed me the first time that it had happened, but when it came to a family member (such as my uncle), they did not believe me. And for the second time, dismissed me from my home. They kicked me out and acted as if they were trying to disown me. They thought I was sleeping around and acting like a crazy child.. So I stayed with my friend until school started.

When I returned, they were'nt happy. They told me that things were so much better without me there and that all I did was cause trouble.
I believed them and took whatever they told me. They said because I lied in the past, it hurt them and that every time I went behind their back to talk to guys they thought I was a slut seeking attention. I admitted I lied, but I never stopped doing what I wanted to do.

They typical "Parent's are too controlling so I rebel" routine.

I have struggled finding myself over the past year and a half and have always tried to seek comfort and closure. I know my parents do care for me, I know they love me. But sometimes the expectations and rules they put on me are overwhelming.

Granted, I am 17 and almost an adult now. I am growing up, but it is hard to abide by these rules of theirs.

They don't like anything I do anymore, and just write me off as if there is no hope for me. They say I have a problem, and if I don't stop lying behind their back then no one will trust me.

Perhaps they are right, but all I ever wanted was a relationship that was so well-rounded that I could come to them for anything. But because of their judgments and so-called "realism", I have constantly tried seeking for someone to talk to. They make me feel weak, and the fact that they think I won't make it, makes it even worse.

I don't feel supported by them at all. and don't think it'll ever get better.
I love them with all my heart, but all I am is a failure in their eyes.

Because I have lied about little things (alot), they treat me like I'm a Meth user, spiraling out of control. They claim my behavior will drive me through the wall and will consist of me dating losers and getting pregnant. The typical "loser teen" with no future.

But yknow what? I'm taking some of the hardest courses in school, I play Tennis and I've accomplished some good things. I draw and make art work. I know I've done some good in this world...

It's just killing me how I can't trust my parents and they can't trust me.
They claim I am selfish and that I lie to do my own thing and that Its like I don't care about anyone else... All I've been trying to do is find what makes me happy. And finally I've found someone who makes me whole.

Who actually gets me, but because of the past, my parents won't let go and be open to the changes that were made. They hate him, and If I ever got together with him, they would have nothing to do with me.


So what do I go with?
With what makes me happy, or be the person my parents want me to be.
I don't know what to do and just need advice.

Please please, let me know what you think.
-I'm sorry it's so long, but for those who took the time to read it...

Mahalo (Thank you)
   
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ruben Offline
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Re: Family Conflict --- Trust Issues & Damaged Relationship(s) - September 16th 2013, 12:29 PM

Hello there Nell

Let me tell you something from my home if i may,

My dad was a very very difficult guy , his body didn't not always give oxygen to his brain which made that he looses his mind..he would get extremely angry like hitting me and disowning me and chancing me a away...

my mother would always take his side over mind so one day i woke up and i thought to my self " You know what Ruben, deep down you do love your mother and father... and today is the day im sorting this out" so i went to them extremely calm and i asked them if i can speak to them in private , once they agreed i spoke to them about what makes me unhappy. at that point i did not shift blame to anyone i purely told them how i feel inside. and from that point forward things changed 180 degrees for me, everything was better..


Now im not saying we have similar situations but what im suggesting is trying to speak to your parents. in their mind what they are doing ,the way they are raising you if the correct way but you have to let them know what works and what not works.

i really hope this made some sense and that this might help you abit
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