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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Popo Offline
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My best friend is hurting me - April 26th 2009, 11:26 PM

I've been great friends with him for at least 7 years. He's... different, but in the best way possible. He has a terrible home life, 3 brothers, and out of all of them, him and the second oldest brother are still in school. The others dropped out. His mother smokes and drinks, and is barely ever home for more than an hour, the rest of the time she's working or at a bar. His father is in jail in another state, and he only met him thanksgiving of last year. But he's turned out a great person mostly.

He's always had feelings for this girl, since 6 years ago he's been after her. Around thanksgiving of last year, he nearly killed himself. He told me about it, and nobody else. He probably would have committed suicide, if not for me and her. I started talking to her, told her about him wanting to kill himself and my issues (lower extremes of depression for about half a year now, NOT the topic of this thread however) and I could talk to her with whatever was bothering me. I found out that she used to cut. I was the second person she told about it, the first time she told someone was during the second year she cut. She still did, even, and because of me and my best friend, she stopped. Now, her and him are dating. Now usually, it doesn't bother me either way if my friends get a significant other, but since they started dating, he talks to me a LOT less now, and I never get the chance to talk to her anymore.

He was over today, and said that she thinks I'm upset at her for some reason. I'm not. But it's killing me slowly to see this happen. They deserve each other, however, and I refuse to tell either of them about how I feel. I don't want them to alter anything in their relationship, even if they would want to.
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Re: My best friend is hurting me - April 27th 2009, 02:54 PM

Hi Colton,

Would you be uncomfortable hanging out with the two of them? I think there's nothing wrong with calling them up and seeing if they can hang out sometime. You could see them both at once or invite your best friend to hang out one weekend and your other friend to hang out another time. I don't think this will alter their relationship. Just let them know that you haven't really seen or talked to them in a while and would like to spend some time with them.

I think that just talking to this girl would make it clear that you are not upset with her. You don't need to discuss feelings all the time with people, but just letting her know that you are there and you would like to spend some time with her would make her feel a lot better.

Nat.


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Re: My best friend is hurting me - April 28th 2009, 09:52 PM

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Would you be uncomfortable hanging out with the two of them?
Extremely. The only thing they do is talk to each other, or cuddle.

And if either of them asked what was bothering me, the only way I'd feel comfortable telling them is if one of them left. And I don't feel comfortable talking about things like this in person anyway. Or to more than one person at a time.

...I'm not angry with either of them, but I don't know what this is. It's not jealousy, I would never be jealous of my friends. He's hurting me by taking away my chance to talk to her, and She's hurting me by taking away time with him.
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Re: My best friend is hurting me - April 28th 2009, 09:58 PM

I don't think your friends know that them being together is affecting you like this. I'm sure they aren't meaning to hurt you at all. They are both your friends, and they care about you.

They should also understand that you are allowed to spend time with them separately. Don't feel bad about just talking or hanging out with one of them at a time. Do you think they would have a problem with that?

I can completely understand how uncomfortable that must be for you when all they do is talk to one another or cling to one another when you're around. That's not really fair for you. Again, I think spending time separately would solve this, but another idea would be to do an activity that requires everyone to be apart. Some suggestions would be bowling, or rock climbing, or laser tag. Something fun that you could all enjoy. You probably have some better ideas than me


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Re: My best friend is hurting me - April 28th 2009, 11:22 PM

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Don't feel bad about just talking or hanging out with one of them at a time.
I tried that with him, and about 3/4 of the time he was talking on the phone with her. And I don't really hang out with her, I just talked to her online.
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Re: My best friend is hurting me - April 29th 2009, 04:53 AM

Unfortunately, you might have to just deal with this for a while. This happens a lot when people's best friends get boyfriends/girlfriends. It happened to me. It can make you feel like you're left behind, but you only are temporarily. Your friend still cares about you. He's just preoccupied with a girl that he has had feelings for for a long time. I'm sure you would be too, right? Try not to take it personally. Eventually, when they've been in a relationship for a while and don't need to be together constantly, your friend will want to see you more.

Good luck!
   
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Re: My best friend is hurting me - May 2nd 2009, 01:47 AM

They can't always be together so if you can't stomach being with the two of them at the same time try and hang with each of them alone. I'm sure they still want to be your friend and probably miss you so maybe you should try and talk it out with them. Hope this was helpful.
   
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