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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Phantom_Girl Offline
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How do I say goodbye nicely? - December 12th 2013, 12:06 AM

So I have a guy friend who asked me out recently (I have a thread on it) but I don't like him that way. Very long story short, he knows I don't like him like that. (Unfortunately, he still likes me and doesn't try to hide it.) I said I just wanted to be friends. Now, I don't even know if I want to be friends anymore. I've realized recently he's not who I thought. Every time I drop his name in a group of people EVERYONE (even people who aren't my friends) make a gross face or an "Oh, girl, don't ever talk to him." face/reaction. People say he's creepy and weird, and he is. He tried to follow my best friend home once, and he lives on the other side of the city. He always tries to get close to me. He'll move his seat or stuff or whatever just to sit next to me. He'll always try to hug me, he does it for a long time. He does that with everyone though. But still. One of my other friends who's known him since kindergarten says he's creepy, and I trust her.

Recently, I've been trying to hint that I don't want to talk, and I think he's getting it. He thinks I'm mad at him though. I guess I am in a way, but I'm more irritated than "mad". I get out of hugs and talks with excuses like "I need to study, I'm sick, blah blah blah." I can't keep using these cards forever though.

I really want to tell him to back off, but I can't. I'm way to nice and I just physically can't. I know what it's like to be left out and excluded, and I would never want to do that to anyone. But I can't keep doing this. I really don't like him at all. I realized recently that he's manipulative and pushy. I think he tries to guilt me into admitting that I like him, or guilt me into staying friends. I believe he knows I'm gullible, and tries to use it to his advantage. If I say "go away" He'll act all sad and upset and guilt trip me into coming back. And it'll probably work too.

How can I cut him out of my life for good without hurting him or having him guilt trip me?


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Re: How do I say goodbye nicely? - December 12th 2013, 03:49 AM

Hey there.

It sounds like you're in a classic situation. I have been on both sides of that situation, and most people will deal with similar situations like yours sometime within their lifetime. It does make it much more harder when you want to be nice because in all honesty some people cant take hints, and some still will obsess over you even after you told them to leave you alone in a nice way.

Here are the options that I feel you can use (all of them are the "nicest" ones I can think of):
  • Ignore him. Meaning no more texting, calling, emails, or associating with him. If he talks to you in person, give short one word answers. He should get the hint.
  • Text him how you feel. Sometimes people are able to open up over text; so if you feel you can be brave and send him a text telling him you don't think the friendship will pan out, then that may be a option you should explore.
  • Talk to him in person. When he tries to talk to you and you guys are alone (or semi-alone) pull him to the side and say something like the following:
    -"Hey Name, we've had some pretty good times, but I want to let you know that our friendship doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and I think it would be beneficial for us to go our own ways."
    -"I've been thinking about our friendship, and I feel as if this friendship is causing some problems within my own life and I think it may be best to move on and go our own ways."
    -"Hey Name, ever since you've asked me out our friendship really created a huge burden on me because I don't have those same feelings for you, and I really don't think our friendship is going anywhere. Maybe it's time to go our own ways."
I've always told people who are in a similar situation as you to be more aggressive in their communication to them (so that they don't beat around the bush and the other party has a misunderstanding about the situation); but since you don't want to be aggressive and/or "rude", those are the best options for you to consider. Regardless, if after you act on one of these options he still doesn't get the hint or sticks around trying to communicate with you, the only option you have left is to be more aggressive within your communication.

So be nice and try one of those options I listed above. If after doing that things don't improve, you will have to be a bit more aggressive. During this whole process remember your ultimate goal (i.e., don't forget why you're doing what you're doing).

Feel free to keep us updated on your situation.

Best wishes,

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
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Re: How do I say goodbye nicely? - December 12th 2013, 05:02 AM

If he's being manipulative, then you may actually be hurting him by NOT being blunt. Consider this: if someone is INTENTIONALLY being manipulative, then they are fully aware of how they're hurting you. If it's INTENTIONAL, then they don't deserve nice excuses from you. They forfeited that right when they violated your boundaries. On the other hand, if someone is UNINTENTIONALLY being manipulative (which can be the case if someone lacks insight), then they're not aware of how they're hurting you... or anyone else. If it's UNINTENTIONAL, then they're shooting themselves in the foot, and have no idea they're doing it. By remaining silent, you're not giving them the chance to change their behavior and develop meaningful connections with people. So regardless of whether the manipulation is INTENTIONAL or UNINTENTIONAL, it's best to be blunt. You'll meet your needs, and you MIGHT teach the other person a very valuable lesson about boundaries and how violating them can hurt their chances of developing meaningful connections with people.

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Re: How do I say goodbye nicely? - December 14th 2013, 02:08 AM

Thanks for the help! He's still really persistent, and I can't tell him to back off. I'm still dropping hints but a little more obviously. I think I'll just try to ignore him tho. Ignore his texts, avoid him all I can, etc.

Yesterday, he asked me to go to the movies, but I said I was way to busy and started listing things like "Rehearsal, rehearsal, shopping, party, rehearsal, party, family outing, Christmas, etc." He also told me I've changed and the friendship wasn't what it used to be. I just shrugged and said I don't think so, I've just been so busy lately. We were at a lunch table with others, and I was not about to talk about my problems in front of everyone.

ty guys though!


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Re: How do I say goodbye nicely? - December 16th 2013, 12:51 AM

It sounds like he doesn't even realize what he's doing wrong (ex. by trying to say that you're the one who's changed).

I have to agree with Robin. You should just be blunt. You don't have to be mean. And if you really can't do it to his face, maybe you can write him a letter (send it by email or on FB or text if you don't want to write it). I know it's a cop out in a way, but it's better than just leaving hanging. If you tell him what behaviours bother you and that it is causing you a lot of strain and discomfort ever since he asked you out and that it's getting to the point you don't even want to be his friend it might help him as well as you because he might finally understand how you feel that he is manipulative.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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goodbye, nicely

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