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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Haunted Offline
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Name: Serena
Age: 24
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Join Date: September 25th 2011

I've had enough of my father - January 20th 2014, 08:48 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I can't take him anymore. Even just hearing his voice makes me feel angry and the more I see him, the more I want to pack my bags and leave. I know I sound drastic, but I don't want him in my life anymore. He has hurt me too much and I don't want to give him another chance. I have been through too much because of him. I have been through severe depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and I almost developed an eating disorder. It all started out as favoritism towards my little sister when I was 10 and after that it became worse and worse. He started with 'you can't do this as good as your sister', 'you just can't do this at all'. I was the only one who noticed his behavior of course. It went on for years and then I started changing: I started liking tattoos, rock music and stuff and he didn't (and still doesn't) seem to accept me. He always has a comment to make and god forbid I try to defend myself. Yet nobody seems to notice. I think that not accepting me as I am was his first missed chance to make me feel loved. The second one was when I was hospitalized last year. I was hospitalized for depression and self-harm. I had daily appointments with the psychologist and my parents had to see her too. She told them about my problems and why she thinks I have them. My mom changed her behavior towards me, but my father didn't. Then, when I got out of the hospital, he kept treating me like he did before even though it was clearly written in the "letter" the doctors gave us that I didn't feel good enough for him. I don't know whether he hasn't read it at all or just thought 'maybe if I hug her it'll be alright', but he didn't stop making comments. He tried to talk to me, but I avoided any contact with him. This summer, at the end of the school year, I had some bad grades and 2 exams to pass (it's like, if you pass them, you've passed the year; if you don't, you have to repeat it). I was extremely stressed and I wanted to drop out of school. When I told my mom, at first she was upset, but after all she understood what I was going through. My father only got angry at me and shouted at me like every day, saying stuff like "go back to school or I won't pay for your music/dancing lessons" (which are the only things that keep me going). He kept treating me like this for the whole summer and at some point I actually told my mom that I'd have rather killed myself than have to hear him yell at me again. Fourth chance wasted.
I can't take him anymore. When I see his face or hear his voice, all I can think about is him yelling at me or the hurtful things he's said to me. I tried to tell my mom that I don't want him in my life, but she says I'm overreacting and that I should stop saying such things. I don't think I'm overreacting... he's destroyed my life. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be so damn insecure or depressed or anxious. His comments and his "threats" almost made me kill myself.
I feel like I need to tell him that I don't want to give him another chance, but I'm scared as hell. I know he'll try to fix everything, but then he will let me down again, just like he always does. And the fucking cycle would start all over again... I'm so done with this. I'm trying to get better but his presence makes me feel stuck in a constant state of anxiety and anger. I'm always anxious when I'm at home and I know he's at home too. When I know he's at work I'm not anxious.
What do I do?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Spiderpig Offline
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Re: I've had enough of my father - January 20th 2014, 10:41 PM

Do you have a close friend you could house or apartment share with? Someone you know from school whose parents could listen to you? Though I have gone through hard times with a mother who now is dead, successive counselling has helped, but your father sounds like my late father was: controlling and manipulative.

Again, I haven't sufficient experience to help you through this hell, but there must be someone you know who can give you shelter. It is possible, however, that your mother is very frightened of him. Yet, tries to wash over your problems for fear of being seen taking sides by him and consequently suffering for it. I don't know of course if your father is the chief bread winner of your family, or if your mother perhaps stays at home. If that is the case, she would be dependent upon your father's income. To be bullied by him could mean terrible things... you don't know til you ask. So how about you take her to a caff when he is working, some quiet place where you can talk in private?

One important thing I will add, is every morning get stoked up on a good breakfast! Because it will make you feel so much better. More confident, too! Feel better,more able to stand up to your tyrant of a father.

Suitably stoked - and I don't mean coffee and croissants, but a cooked breakfast will act as slow-burn energy that will keep you going til way past lunchtime. Whenever out in town or at work I always carry a banana or two. Again, slow-burn energy.

Last edited by Chris; January 21st 2014 at 05:34 PM. Reason: Combined posts.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Ivanna_B_Me Offline
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Re: I've had enough of my father - January 21st 2014, 03:16 AM

I have to agree with Spiderpig. Your father sounds alot like my step father. Nothing was ever good enough for him. I was even getting high A's and he kept yelling at me "y cant you be like your brothers". i was trying to do what i wanted to be in life, i wanted to be an architectural engineer and he told me i was too dumb so i might as well aim low because i was never going to be succesful and no one was ever going to want me. And my mother she always turned the blind eye. she would see my scars and my tears and just tell me like a mother that ill be fine.

when i turned eighteen i moved out and lived with my friend. i took my self out of that hateful environment and then my mother some how got ahold of my new number and called me a disappointment and a failure... i took those words and made something of my self. I went to school became a cosmetologist. got married and had a son. and i couldnt be any more happier!

my point is hun as long as your around people that constantly get down on yourself. what you need to do is sit people down individually and see what they have to say and clear the air. and if its not what you want to hear then you should make yourself a plan in life get yourself motiviated and live your life for you. your 17 its time to think about whats best for you hun. MS me if you need to. XXX
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