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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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pinkbeatle Offline
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Unhappy Troubles w/ dad? - February 1st 2014, 06:25 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi! Ok, so let me just say that my parents are getting divorced (have been separated for 3+ yrs) and my dad is emotionally abusive (but can be fine sometimes).
My mother, sister and I have plans to go to Canada where our family is for summer vacation. I'm not gong to be coming back down because I will be going to university up there. My dad is highly against this and thinks that he can keep me from going. My dad has bullied my mom from asking for child support, but she filed for it in November last yr. Now they are going to battle it out in court because my 'loving father' refuses to give her any money for us.
Now the worst part is that he is refusing to sign my younger sister's passport! She will be so hurt and angry if he doesn't let her go up to Canada (we are also going to a wedding). I told him this and he said "she will get over it." I can't believe he would be so low! I would love to really let him have it but I'm afraid to talk to him because he will blow up. I think it will be easier when I turn 18. It's not like he can 'punish' me or anything then.
I've been a cutting for a long time, but I told my mom for the second time and she took my razors away. We are working on getting counseling.
But my problem is this... if he really doesn't let my sister go, because it makes me so mad, I think I just might kill him. Seriously, whenever we fight or anything, all I can do is plan out how I will go about it. I don't even care what will happen to me. [Edit]
I've told my mom, but I don't think she is taking me seriously. Should I tell the counselor if we ever get around to going? I don't have any urge to SH, but I do have the urge to [Edit]
Sometimes I'd love nothing more than to find the heaviest skillet in his kitchen and bust all of his TVs and mirrors.
He is very manipulative and says that "its all your mother's fault because she wants to bring court into my life." He doesn't know that I know EVERYTHING and that I am completely on mom's side. He'd rather hang out with his women and spend his money on electronics, movies and restaurants.
I'm sorry if this is long, sometimes it just helps to rant. I don't think I could sit down and have a calm conversation. I'd get angry, he'd get angry. So what should I do? Should I wait until I'm 18? I just feel so bad for my sister, she's only 10 and it's just amazing to me that he is so angry at my mom, who isn't doing anything wrong, that he is willing to make us suffer.
(if I didn't give this the right prefix or put it in the right area, I'm sorry )
Thanks for reading all this rambling if you do. Any answer will help.

Last edited by PSY; February 3rd 2014 at 07:57 PM. Reason: Removed explicit descriptions of violence and self harm; added prefix.
   
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Re: Troubles w/ dad? - February 2nd 2014, 05:46 AM

Could your mother get some kind of legal counsel if he decides to not sign the passport?

I think it's normal to fantasize or have random thoughts about getting revenge on your father if you're angry with him. It's more worrying, though, if you're actually willing to act out on those things. Remember, killing him or ruining his property won't accomplish anything. It will just get you in trouble and possibly make it more difficult for you to have your own life in the future. Unless he hits you and you need to defend yourself, physical violence will only make things worse.

If you're concerned that you may act on it, or if you're worried about these thoughts you're having, I recommend seeking out help or talking to someone. If you wouldn't do it, I think you should still seek out help (just make it very clear that you wouldn't do it). If you're having these thoughts it's a clear indication that the trouble with your father is taking its toll on you and upsetting you. I don't recommend a psychiatrist right now as you may not need medication, I think that at first, a therapist, a counsellor, or simply an adult like a teacher could help you. They'll probably be able to direct you to good resources for families who have suffered from abuse, give you healthy ways to cope with the trouble, and also help you sort out and address your feelings.

There may be groups in your area that offer free or cheap legal counselling and other resources to women whose husbands and ex-husbands have been abusive. You could do some research about them and encourage your mother to seek them out if needed.

As to your parent himself, other than trying to stay away from him, there isn't that much you can do. If he doesn't allow you to travel to Canada, again, there isn't all that much you can do without possibly resorting to legal means. If talking to him always ends up with an argument, you could write him a letter or e-mail. A letter would be especially good as his reply would be less immediately so he'd have more time to cool off and think about it. Don't be angry, don't insult him, and don't engage if he replies argumentatively. Something along the lines of "Hey, I'm writing this letter because we end up arguing whenever we try to talk and this would make it easier for you to listen to my side of things without us arguing. Whatever disagreements there may have been between you and my mother in the past, my sister and I are still your children and you're both still our parents. Attending this wedding would mean a lot to us because _____ . Not only that, I believe it would do us good to socialize with friends, see some sights and have some fun." or something would work well, I think.

   
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