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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Issues with Mom :( - February 3rd 2014, 12:51 AM

So I have been having a couple of issues with my mom lately.

Like this morning she was yelling at me for telling me to turn something off right after she told me to do my chores. (I was already annoyed before she asked me).

So I yelled at her and we got into a fight. She took something precious of mines (won't say it unless upon request) and she slammed in onto the table. It was in pretty good shape and its rare. That's when I got it away from her. When she tried to sit me down so she could yell at me some more I accidentally cussed at her and then after that she smacked me!. ( I wasn't thinking what can I say?) so the fight had to end with my grandma breaking it up. She took the rest of my stuff away too. And I wasn't very happy with it.

So just a few minutes ago I was trying to make up with her but I just can't....she just won't listen! She never ever listens to me! I keep trying to make amends but she keeps saying the same stuff and I keep telling her why I did it! I even apologized and she still won't listen. I just don't know what to do. I don't want this to be on my mind as soon as I go into school tomorrow....

Can someone please help me....? I really don't know right now......
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Re: Issues with Mom :( - February 3rd 2014, 08:51 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp! =)

Unfortunately, it can be easy for arguments to escalate in the way that you described (starting with a small disagreement and ending with a big confrontation). I understand that it can be difficult to stop in the "heat of the moment," but that's what you'll need to do from this point onward if you want to avoid these sorts of situations. When you find yourself becoming more and more upset, say or do something to stop the argument from escalating. For example, you could say, "I'm sorry, Mom, but I need a moment to 'cool off.' Can we take a break and keep talking about this in a couple of minutes?" If you think that would be too difficult to remember, you could just say, "I'm getting really upset," or "I don't want to fight about this," and ask for a few minutes to calm down. This will show that you don't intend to make the situation worse, and your mom may be receptive to working things out.

It's good that you have tried to make amends. May I ask what you've said to her when you've tried to apologize? Sometimes, apologies don't sound sincere, or they aren't received well because they're followed up with blaming statements. For example, if you were to say, "I'm sorry I cussed at you, but you said/did _________ first, so that's why I cussed!" then it may not sound like you're REALLY sorry. One thing you might be able to try is using "I" statements. You could say something like, "I feel frightened when you hit me," or "I feel angry when you take things that are precious to me." The beauty of "I" statements is that it can do two things:
1) It can show the other person how you feel when fights occur (e.g., you react a certain way because you're scared/angry, not because you're trying to be a rebellious teenager).
2) It can show the other person how their behavior has an impact on you and contributes to the fight, without outright blaming them for the fight.

Keep approaching your mom when she is calm. Instead of focusing on what happened, it may be better to focus on how you two can avoid having more fights. This will demonstrate a willingness to learn from your mistakes and behave in a mature manner. In turn, your mom may be more willing to listen to what you have to say ("I" statements) and agree to work things out with you if there are future disagreements.

Good luck, and feel free to keep us updated on your situation! =)

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