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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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uauizaui Offline
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My mom that works in other country - April 8th 2014, 09:45 PM

Hello, I'm Andreea, I have 18 years and I need help with my mom.
First of all, my mom left me when I was 15 years because we didn't had money anymore, my parents are divorced so I had to stay alone, and she got a job in other country.
Now after 3 years I don't understand with my mom anymore. She came every year home since than and she stayed 4 weeks with me. But it was getting worse and worse every year since she first came.
She says that I'm not the same, that I've changed and I got distant with her. And she can't deal with it because when she comes home she sees me getting more distant and changing even more.
Now I have 2 close friends, and one of them knows everything about me and she stays in my house because she has really bad problems with her parents ( her father gets drunk and screams at her mother almost every day and sometimes beats her). I talked with my mom about her problems and she said (without telling her that I want to help her somehow) to tell my friend to get her stuff and move with me. I was happy that I could help my friend to get rid of her parents and now she will have a happy place where she can live. This was 4-5 months ago.
Now, my mom came back from Italy and everything was fine for a week, we understand very well, my friend was talking with my mom anything, I was feeling fine, I wasn't anymore feeling distant with my mom till yesterday.
I got home at 8PM, I had school from 8am to 4 pm, and then I asked her if I can stay with my friends out, she said yes. When I got home with my friend, she started screaming at me "where have you been so many hours" "you said that you will make a program and you will be organised" and than she gave my friend her home keys to get home and resolve her problems with her parents. I didn't want my friend to leave so I tried talking with my mom, but it didn't help, like in the past... I couldn't let my friend leave at 9pm when she was crying and I took her at my other friend after I asked my mom if I can sleep there too.
Now my friend is scared of my mom because she sais that my mom screams like her dad and she doesn't want to angry her again, and my friend doesn't want to stay with me till my mom will leave. My mom said to call her back home, but my mom doesn't want that , she says this because she knows that I want that.. I think she can't stand my friend now. Why?
She says that my friend is a bad influence on me (but my mom doesn't know her like I know her, my mom doesn't know me too), she says that we don't have a program (when we have to sleep, when we have to do homework, to relax), she says that my friend stays in this house and she doesn't help with cleaning ( but actually she does, she helps me cleaning every time, but my mom wants to see her cleaning without telling her so). My friend has a good heart and she cares, even my mom talled so, but I think my mom is envious of my friend because I understand with her very well, I hug her. Even on little things she's envoius, if I use the same towel with my friend my mom says that with her I wouldn't want to use ..
My mom said that she tried to be like a friend with us, not like a parent, but she sais that this can't be possible, she's a parent and now she will be a parent not a friend, she won't laugh with us she will change everything.
Now my friend stays with the other friend for 2 weeks till she will have to go home again. And my mom will leave after 3 weeks and I don't know what to do anymore, I'm lost.
After my mom kicked out my friend last night, she said that she can't even make our relationship better after this. And I don't feel like talking again with my mom like before, she hurt me when she kicked her out ,my mom said to my friend to go home with her father that is drinking and beating her... My mom said " I want the old days back while you want your friend back, everyone has their pain".
I don't know what to do anymore, or how to make this 3 weeks go fast. I love my friend to be true, we got through a lot togheter since we become friends, I know her better than many people, she has a good heart.
Does anybody know what should I talk with my mom or what should I do?
   
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Chris Offline
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Re: My mom that works in other country - April 12th 2014, 11:51 PM

Hey there.

I'm really sorry to hear about the position you're currently in. I can sort of relate to your situation because I've never had a good relationship with my mother, and I've also had people live with me/me live with other people, and I can understand how that might cause issues within the household.

It seems to me that your relationship with your mother is not as "normal" as you try to portray it. Meaning, her leaving for long periods of time is not a normal/everyday type of thing that most families deal with. With that being said, it would only be expected for you to act differently around your mother the first few days of her arrival, because you simply haven't seen her in awhile. It's extremely unfair for her to put you in a position that expects you to treat her in the same exact way as when she was living with you full time. Your mother does seem to have a grasp on one important thing: people do change. You did change, but so did she. No one can "be" the same. We (as humans) slowly change on a daily basis. So of course things are going to be a bit different when she arrives home for a few weeks.

To get to your question at hand, what you're doing is a good thing. You're helping out a friend who truly needs it, and you're trying to help her get through the rough situation that she has at home. On the other hand, you have some pretty difficult situations to deal with too. I wish that talking to your mom would help, but from what you're telling me communication is continually failing between the two of you, which is a direct result of the way she feels about your relationship with her (i.e., that it's broken, and can't be repaired). Now, putting your friend's situation to the side here (because we have to always worry about ourselves first), I think you need to slowly start building up trust, connection, and communication with your mother again. This will take weeks or even months. Simply talking to her on the phone, texting her, sending her nice mail can help the relationship. Or, when she's home, pick her some flowers, schedule a movie night, or just sit down and talk about small things. Completing/organizing small things like this will prove to be extremely beneficial for your relationship with your mother. Only after this very important task is finished should you spend time on trying to help others (i.e., your friends).


Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
   
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