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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Mad0sank Offline
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Making a new friend- worth the effort? - September 9th 2014, 11:44 PM

Background on me: I am someone who really cares about the people I make friends with and this usually leads to a lot of disappointments. Due to this, i don't really put much effort into making friends anymore because no one seems to be worth it. I've been this way for 2 years now and things have been pretty good, no disappointments, just 'mutually beneficial friendships'.

Recently, I was working in a research lab in university as part of a research internship (I'm an undergrad). About a week into my internship, I met this girl, a PhD student, who had her assigned space right next to me in the lab. We talked for a bit and i explained to her what research i was doing. She was very interested in everything i had to say, and just seemed like a very pleasant person in general. I almost automatically felt drawn to her. She sat next to me on the bus often and we used to talk about anything and everything. I'm usually not the type to talk much in general and I am not usually interested in people who talk a lot but for some reason I just enjoyed talking to this girl and listening to her stories. She never talked about other people, no gossip, just things that she was passionate about, science, her goals in life etc. I found her fascinating almost, especially the passion with which she spoke. She was keen to know more about me but i wasn't that forthcoming with such details. I felt that i was being rude because she was telling me so much about herself whereas i wasn't.

Soon enough, I just knew that I wanted this person in my life somehow, even after my internship in the lab was over I didn't want to stop seeing her. I was growing extremely fond of her. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to make a friend and i wanted to do it properely. So, on the last day of the internship she told me that we should definitely keep in touch (we already exchanged numbers) and hang out. I said i was going to miss her and she said she'd miss me too. At the time, i happened to have an extra ticket to a concert i was going to so I asked her if she wanted to go. She didn't even think for a minute and said she'd love to. But she said that maybe one of her friends might be coming from abroad to visit her on the weekend of the concert so she has to confirm it. After a few days she texted me saying that she's sorry that she can't go because her friend is coming to visit her like she'd said. She also said that she still definitely wants to meet up with me soon. At this point, my insecurities started playing up and I replied saying that if SHE wanted to see me again then SHE should let me know. I just wanted it to be clear that we should only hang out if she actually wants to see me again and not because she felt bad for not going to the concert. She replied that she will let me know.

A few weeks have passed now and she hasn't contacted me yet. The problem here is that for some reason, I have a feeling that she won't actually contact me again. Maybe its just paranoia, but this feeling is really bothering me. What if shes just one of those people that talk very well but don't honor their commitments? I know that she probably doesn't care about me as much as I do her. Afterall, I'm just a random kid she met. I know she's busy but so am I. I will always make the time for her but I don't know if she'd do the same for me. I guess its not really her fault even if she forgets me completely because we are just acquaintances and she gains nothing by being close with me. All i know is that this connection that we seem to have is real because I've never had it with anyone else. I REALLY want to see her again. Even though its her turn to plan a hang out this time, I am still willing to ask her to hang out again myself. I was thinking that I should ask her some time around her birthday because I also want to give her a present (she made my birthday very special, a day worth remembering, so I want to do something small at least). She's just one of those people you just wouldn't want to lose. She's very down to earth, open minded, non judgemental and sweet. She's always been exceptionally nice to me about everything and seems to find me interesting too, otherwise she wouldn't sit next to me everyday. She's done some wonderful things for me that no other acquaintance would normally just do.

So do you guys think I should ask her to hang out again? Does she sound like she's worth the effort?
   
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Re: Making a new friend- worth the effort? - September 9th 2014, 11:49 PM

Hey there,

I think you should give her another try. Sometimes things happen in life that prevent us from doing the things we want, so you can always send her a message and say it's been a while since the last time you two talked, and ask her what's up and if she'd like to catch up.

Maybe you can continue after that by asking her to meet you for coffee (or something else you think you two would enjoy), and ask her when she's free. Hopefully the two of you will be able to set up a plan to hang out again.

As I said above, sometimes things do happen that prevent a person from meeting commitments, but if it becomes a consistent thing after another try or two, I'd ask her if anything is going on that is making her not want to hang out with you. Her answer from there will guide you on whether or not to make any further effort.

I hope the two of you can become good friends!

-Dez


   
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