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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Metamorphosis Offline
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Everyday Life With Someone You Hate - October 25th 2014, 07:17 AM

How is your relationship with a parent after a physcial fight? How can things go back to a normal-ish?

What I don't get is this: My dad (I hate calling him that) and I have a long history of... messed up-ness. As early as I can remember he embarassed me publicly, abused me both mentally and physically, caused me trauma and harm as a young child. As I got older (12 and up), it's just gotten uglier. He just hasn't been a parent. He's been my tormentor, my main source of stress.

There has been two times (at 15 I punched him and at 18 I punched and kicked him) where I physically attacked him. It wasn't random, it was during a very heated arguement, his usual rudeness, I probably snapped. One time he grabbed me violently and I just reacted.

I feel horrbile about that.

I wish it never happened. I wish I walked away. There are things I still regret.

And yet nowadays I talk to him only if needed (I wish I didn't live with him otherwise I would cut off all contact), like to make grocery list or to ask if he could drive me somewhere. I even come with him to work to make cash if he offers me. But I remind myself I need to limit interactions. But I don't.

And it's confusing me. We don't get along. We have have. I hate him. And yet I accept money if he gives it to me or a treat if he buys me one if he's "feeling nice."

I'm not sure if I'm only doing this as a self-defense mechanism. Or maybe I do this to prevent another fight; I hate causing my family stress.

I don't get how things can function normally after everything. Does anyone else feel this way? Like you have been forced to grow up with someone you never got along with. And then you're still stuck living with him/her. And you must function in the same household, see their face everyday. It's just not easy and it's really confusing at times.

The fact that I only really see three people on a daily basis in my life: mom, sister and him. That makes it harder, because it doesn't give me a lot of options for human connection.
   
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Re: Everyday Life With Someone You Hate - October 25th 2014, 03:30 PM

I wish I knew more about this so I could give you better advise but I can't.
I can tell you however that to me it sounds like somewhere inside you you might still care about him as your father. And that maybe it's just a way of coping like you said.
Good luck.
And accept your feelings on this because that will probably help with the confusion.
You could try to separate the different lines of thought in your head. I did that and use it when things get really wary and confusing in my head. That way I get more overview in what I feel, want and think and where it is coming from. I gave the different lines of thoughts name tags to make it easier to work with.


Helping others sometimes makes it easier to feel good about yourself and help yourself.

So PM me if You want.
   
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Re: Everyday Life With Someone You Hate - October 25th 2014, 06:54 PM

Thank you, the advice helps! I wrote my post in a storm of emotions. Sorry it can be confusing to read.

I wouldn't say care, more like pity. I definitely know I have some level of pity for him, because I know partially why he's never been a good dad. His childhood didn't sound all that pretty, but I don't see why that means I don't deserve one (which is his logic, I guess).

Yeah, I guess it's my way of coping, that's what I meant. I'm the type of person where if you cause me enough hurt I'll door slam you. But it feels like he's holding a wedge to the door I'm trying to slam in his face, and it's driving me crazy, figuratively speaking.
   
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Re: Everyday Life With Someone You Hate - October 25th 2014, 10:55 PM

Hey there,

My mom and I had a troublesome relationship. I don't know if I hated her as much as I felt a lot of anger at her for not being the mother that I deserved. All children deserve to have GREAT parents but unfortunately a lot of the time this doesn't happen. Sometimes children are given some pretty bad parents and we are forced to cope with this in whatever way we can manage. We each turn to different means and it looks as though you have had some incidents of turning violent and letting that rage out. Obviously you feel a lot of remorse after you do this and I think it would be good if you tried to remove yourself from the situation before you reacted in this fashion the next time you feel it happening. This way you won't feel so much guilt and, you know, no matter what your dad does it is never good to resort to that type of behavior.

That being said, I think it would be good for you to broaden your horizons and make some more acquaintances outside of your family. I know this can be hard to do as an adult but there are ways to do it. I recently got involved in a book club that I found by googling online. So, I am sure you could find some things that interest you by doing a google search online. There are numerous websites that will meet your needs and connect you with people in your area. It can be scary to put yourself out there but it can be helpful. Also, if you are in school, they tend to have clubs that you can get involved in so you might want to go that route. Something else you could consider is volunteering in your local community. This will look good on a resume and it will connect you with people who share common interests as you. Opening yourself up to meeting people will help you get out of the house more often and it will help you to get an outlet besides your family. This might help with the tension.

Do you have any plans on moving out? If you are that miserable at home you might want to try and think of ways of accomplishing that goal. I know that depending on your circumstances this might not be possible quite yet but it could be something you could strive towards.

I really hope that this helped and if you need anything please feel free to message me.


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Re: Everyday Life With Someone You Hate - October 27th 2014, 01:15 AM

I will defiantly consider clubs and events... I'm a little shy about putting myself out there but these days it might be a good idea. Maybe I just need room to breath. It's true, I'm stuck in the house most of the times. And I like books so maybe a book club might work. I've been getting to comfy as a home-body. :P

I want to move right now. I haven't made any plans though because it seems like an impossible dream at the moment. That's not stopping me though. Thank you for the advice, BreakingBeautifully!
   
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