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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
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Friend only wants to talk when it's about HER - July 30th 2015, 03:25 PM

Ok, I want to be clear that I know my friend cares about me and what is going on in my life... but (and it's a big but), I feel like she only wants to talk to me when it is about her... It's about her wedding, her family problems, her dog, her house, her fiance and so on and so forth... When I text her about something that is going on in my own life she won't answer and always claims to be "busy" (like legit 3 or more days will go by), but if I text about something to do in her life she answers right away (or at least same day, or early the next day). If this were just a one time thing I'd let it go, but it's happening all the time now. It's like she won't even acknowledge anything I said about myself.

I know that she's got her problems (very very bad anxiety, PTSD, bulimia, abuse in her past, stress in her present, dysfunctional family....) and that she has a lot going on in her life right now AND I know that she cares about me and what's happening in my life... but I hate that she's so ok with ignoring me if what ever I said doesn't have anything to do with her. It just seems incredibly selfish like she can't be bothered to think beyond herself for more than 30 seconds. Meanwhile I've done my best to hold her hand the last year (but really it's been going on for longer then that) while she deals with all this stuff and listening to her problems. I don't need her to coddle me or anything but, as one of my best friends, I would kind of appreciate it if I felt like she actually gave a shit about my life and showed some interest in asking me about what's going on with finding a job or what books I'm reading or what ever, it's not a lot to ask for.

I want to talk to her about it, but I know it won't get me anywhere because she'll just act like she totally cares about what's happening in my life and that she's so sorry that I feel like that etc. etc. etc... Basically it will be a waste of words on my part cause she'll act all sorry and apologetic, and hey, she really will be sorry that I feel like that BUT I also know what the chances are that she can crawl out of her own life for longer than 30 seconds to worry or feign interest about my life in the same way I do for her (that chance is non existent)...

I know it sounds selfish (possibly) on my account, but because there is so much drama associated with being her friend (there is always SOMETHING I have to talk her down from) and because I am starting to feel like our friendship is so one-sided in the way I have described, I am considering getting this one obligation over with and sort of distancing myself from her. Because I promised to stand up for her during an event, I have to keep her close for now, but I am sort of sick of trying to cultivate a friendship where one person does all the work of giving advice and showing interest in the other for nothing in return (like when we talk on the phone, the call is always conveniently over before I have a chance to talk about myself... meanwhile we talked about her life for like 45 minutes)... I honestly don't know what else to do unless she starts proving that she can be a better friend to me later. I think we will always be friends but I don't think I can keep making her a priority when I can't expect the same from her; if there is something going on in her life suddenly what ever I have going on doesn't matter and it seems like there is ALWAYS something going on in her life so therefore my life never matters.

I don't really know what else to do. I don't want to lose her as a friend but it's getting really upsetting when I try talking to her and all she wants to do is talk about herself all the fucking time... She literally only talks to me long enough to get her shit out. The second I talk about my life, she's gone. I'm really sick of her excuses because this has been carrying on for to long.... Come mid-September, I don't really know what to do if this doesn't end because, like I said, I am considering kind of not putting the same amount of effort into being her friend any more if this keeps up... I'm worried I'll lose one of my best friends if I put her in the position hwere she has to contribute more to keep me around. Is it worth it?




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions

Last edited by Always *; July 30th 2015 at 07:38 PM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Friend only wants to talk when it's about HER - July 30th 2015, 07:34 PM

hey ,
i understand how you feel . For everyone their own problems are bigger than the others . No one really cares about another person nowadays .
I think she takes you for granted . You realize the value of something when you lose it , so next time she talks about her problem , treat it the way she treats your problems . Maybe she will understand how it feels and stop doing it .

( Just an advice , don't blame me if anything goes wrong :P )
You can share your problems with me...i am a good listener but might not be able to give good advice .

Good Luck and Take care .
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Friend only wants to talk when it's about HER - July 31st 2015, 02:45 PM

The thing is, I think she does care... But I'm just starting to feel like a lot of the friend things she takes for granted and it's just kind of one-sided lately because it is starting to feel like literally everything is about her whenever we talk which is kind of frustrating because, as much as I want to be understanding, it's frustrating when it goes on and on and on (it's pushing a year and a half now) and I just wish she had a clue and that I really need a friend right now but she won't give me the time of day.




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Re: Friend only wants to talk when it's about HER - July 31st 2015, 03:01 PM

Hey Andie,
Sounds like you both have a lot on your plate! I can imagine how much pain that each of you have dealing with so many issues and how frustrating it can be when she only wants help for herself, without making time for you.

I have a few ideas about this. Firstly, does your friend currently have a therapist to talk to? If not, maybe you can encourage her to see one as it seems there's a lot going on and as much as you care, it's a lot of weight on you. Additionally there may be support groups in her area that she can look into so that there are issues specifically addressed in living with PTSD, eating disorders, or anything else. Same goes for you if you don't already see someone, that may be something to look into. Maybe you can even go to the same support group together.

I would like to suggest two things that go hand in hand together. First is speaking to her. It's great to hear that she cares, that's really important. Maybe you can talk to her about how you feel and then make a time limit. How long to you see her/speak to her per a week? If it's a 45 minute talk (from what you were saying) then maybe you can spend 15 minutes on each of you and then the last 15 minutes talking about something else, something more fun?

Supporting each other through difficult times is really important in a friendship but it can also be difficult when BOTH of you are dealing with mental health problems. Part of a friendship is also to maybe do other activities together. I only suggest this because light-heartedness is a good way to bond and sort of alleviates some of the stress without actually talking or venting about the stress itself.

Of course if either of you are ever in a crisis, or something huge just happened, then I agree that talking only about that one person (whichever is in the crisis) is ideal as to focus the attention on the immediate situation but on a daily basis, you're both experiencing stress and perhaps you can use some of the time you spend with each other on an activity of some sort or talking about something other than stress.
   
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Re: Friend only wants to talk when it's about HER - August 10th 2015, 03:54 PM

The problem is that this is a long-term problem. This isn't the first time that I have felt like it is all about her. It's always been me supporting her, me giving her advice, me being made out to be the bad guy, and so on and so forth. I don't feel like I can talk about my problems with her - if I need someone who can give me advice or understand what I am dealing with I have to talk to another friend OR come here to TeenHelp.

We got into this big fight last summer because she decided to take everything I said as a criticism (for example, at one point I told her it was ok to reconsider the venue for her wedding because it wasn't a big deal to do so now while the wedding was still over a year away and she totally lost it on me for supposedly trying to minimize how stressful it was for her and insulting her by saying it wasn't a big deal, but yet I hadn't done any such thing as all I had done was tried to reassure her that the wedding was still over a year a way so it legitimately wasn't a big deal to be considering and reconsidering venues, but nooooo I was being an evil insensitive bitch I was just trying to be helpful in the only way I knew how to).

There are other things too... She likes to victimize herself. It's like she'll do something wrong to me, but I'll probably let it go because it isn't worth causing a thing over, but then if I did something to her related to what she did, it's like she will deny what she did anything wrong because in her mind it some how invalidates what ever I did. She's done that to other friends too and I think she really makes herself believe it too (that she's done no wrong because that's the only way to get justice if someone upsets her, it's like she thinks she and I can't both take responsibility for our actions that contributed to our fight or what ever else, it's only my fault cause I did X, Y, and Z). She did this to another mutual friend and she acts like she literally has no idea what she did to upset this girl and the other 2 girls in their group but my mutual friend told me about it and I'm like "how the fuck do she not get that she upset them like that?" It's like she just doesn't want to hear it. It's incredibly annoying and it makes me trust her less knowing how she'll warp a situation to make everyone else be out to get her and even warp innocent words to be "mean" or "insensitive" when they obviously weren't intended that way.

Honestly, I feel like being her friend is so draining... She's never available when I need to talk, and there is just so much drama associated with being her friend. I love her, I do, but I don't know if I can handle it. I don't think I can deal with trying to tell her all of this because I know how it'll go down. It's not that I want to unfriend her, but I also just want to talk to her less I guess, I don't want to feel like i have to keep putting all this energy into our friendship when I feel like I can't rely on her.




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Re: Friend only wants to talk when it's about HER - August 10th 2015, 04:25 PM

Hello,

To be honest, even though I'm young, I do have a "friend" like this. She would always somehow talk about how guys like her so much, they all want her, her family, her sister, her dance group, etc etc. She'd get jealous WHENEVER i talked about something good in my life. She didn't do this to our other friends as far as i know, only me. Actually, she did. I was the only one brave enough to confront her. She was very much into denial about everything she did to us, even making us feel bad about our body compared to hers because most guys only like her for her body, which isn't something to brag about. I don't know if this is the case for you, but I wanted to show you that I, as well as many others, can relate. it's pretty draining indeed to have a friend that's pretty self centered and you both have your share of problems, however, that doesn't excuse this. Friends are there for eachother. I suggest that before thinking of ending your friendship, have a one on one, face to face talk about the issue. If she still chooses to victimize herself, then I suppose end the friendship for a while because everyone has problems they need to get off their chest, to a friend. But then again, the choice is yours. Also, you can share your problems with another friend maybe. I hope you two work it out.

Goodluck!!
   
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