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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Name: Paige
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Living with someone difficult - September 16th 2015, 05:29 PM

Hey,

I have a family member outside of my immediate family living with me currently, it was supposed to be a temporary thing but a year later and they are still here. They are having a hard time and that what makes me feel worse for saying this.

1. He's taking over the house, our gym is filled with all of this stuff and it just seems to be increasing. Our summer house is full, which was somewhere my mum wanted to stop a fridge or freezer, a barbeque etc. for the summer. That's without including the stuff that is actually in the main house.

2. He borrows my mum's car all the time without asking or just assuming it's okay because my mum has let him before. There have been times when he's drove and my mum has stayed home and I've still had to use public transport to come home, even though he is using my mum's car without offering any money towards the running of the car. My mum has gone to use it before and there has been hardly any petrol in there because he hasn't bothered to fill it up. He's not even insured on the car so if he has an accident he is not covered.

3. He pays no contributions to this house whatsoever. My parents have been struggling more financially since we moved and as a result they have had to ask me to contribute more but part of me feels like why should I put more into the kitty when we have someone who is a grown adult living here rent free and has never offered to put their hand in their pocket once. There have been times when I have come in and there is no milk or bread and he's been here and hasn't thought to replace it. Why should I pay for someone else when I'm to the point where I can't really afford what I'm paying but I don't want to see my mum struggling. I am paying much more than people my age are paying whilst living at home. It's unfair on me and if it wasn't for my mum struggling I think I would flat our refuse. His daughter's boyfriend told my dad that he is paying absolutely nothing towards his old house, so at the end of the month he has his whole pay packet to himself. I'm not saying he should pay loads or even more than me, but something would be better than nothing.

4. He has some kind of issue with my boyfriend and I can tell it is really starting to get to him. There have been some issues in the past but recently it seems to have got better and now all of a sudden it has started again. My boyfriend is a fussy eater I will admit, but then he is not used to eating all of the food we have at home and sometimes he will pass on dinner and my mum and dad are used to that and don't seem to take offense but this particular person makes an issue out of it all the time. Making comments about how my boyfriend won't like his food because it has spices etc. and I've noticed how uncomfortable it is making him, because it has gone beyond a joke now. The other night he was making comments about how he had used spices on the beef for the roast dinner and basically goading him. I always tell my boyfriend to try to keep calm and ignore it but I know sooner or later he probably will say something back and I don't know if I could blame him because it is annoying and it is now getting personal. My boyfriend shouldn't have to deal with this whilst at my house, he should feel comfortable, but things have been a little up and down since this person moved in because he doesn't feel comfortable. It is doing nothing for my anxiety and depression because I am always wondering when the next issue will arise. I worry about leaving them in a room together in case this family member says something, because he did a long while ago and it made my boyfriend not want to come round for a while. I would honestly say if my boyfriend had done something wrong but as far as I can see he hasn't. He dislikes certain food and it seems to be made a huge deal of. My boyfriend also sees the things he does, like using my mum's car etc. and sees them as disrespectful, which I agree with but it is for my mum to say.

My dad is also getting angry with it, and before long I'm frightened he might say something. I've been feeling uncomfortable in my home for ages and I honestly don't know how much longer of this I can take. It shouldn't be like this. I should feel comfortable being here, but I don't.

Someone help.


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Re: Living with someone difficult - September 16th 2015, 07:21 PM

The relative is definitely in the wrong.It is very rude, disrespectful and unfair that he behaves the way he does. He is taking advantage of your family and should be told to contribute a LOT more, buy his own car etc. or leave (personally I would get him to leave, but I don't know the exact situation so I may be wrong).

It must be difficult for you especially with your mental health problems but it sounds like you are doing a great job coping! Perhaps you could see your boyfriend elsewhere more often while this problem is sorted out? And you need to get your parents to do something. Talk to them about the problem (if you haven't already).

All his 'stuff' everywhere needs to go. The premises belong to your parents (or a landlord, perhaps, if you're going to be pedantic ) and he has no right to be taking over.

Stay strong. I hope you sort out this problem quickly!
   
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Re: Living with someone difficult - September 16th 2015, 10:15 PM

Hey, Paige.

This does sound very difficult and upsetting so I'm sorry you're dealing with this especially with the issues you already deal with. I must say, you're handling it better than you think because it's been a year yet you're still letting him live there which is more than kind. You and your family are doing such a kind thing to let him live there rent free in the first place. It is always nice to help out family but when your family is struggling and that family member is able to help out, I think they should. You mentioned he hasn't been helping out financially and it made me wonder, could he be saving up to move out? Perhaps you could ask him about his plans.

Taking the car out without your mother's permission is rather disrespectful. He doesn't own it and just because he was given permission the first time, it doesn't mean it's okay every single time. Especially when it impacts you being able to get back home rather than having to take public transportation. Has your mom expressed any frustration over this fact? Maybe you could bring it up to her and she can set a few rules such as him not being allowed to take the car around the time that you need it to get home.

The way he picks on your boyfriend for his eating habits is rude. Your boyfriend is allowed to like what he likes and choose to not eat certain things. Sounds as this person is trying to stir up trouble in a way. Have you spoken to him and asked why he targets your boyfriend so much and kindly ask if he could make an effort to be more polite? You can explain it's to keep the peace in the household. Other than that, can you take Finley's suggestion of spending more of your time at your boyfriend's house instead?

Not sure if you have or not but don't be afraid to kindly but firmly let this person know what has been frustrating you. He's living with you and your family and you are the ones that are helping him out. So it's okay to voice your feelings about certain things he does and give him the chance to explain the reasoning behind some of those things.

Hope this helped some and that things improve soon. Take care and hang in there!
   
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