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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Who's more selfish - October 2nd 2015, 02:41 AM

I'm a selfish person. I know it, and its fairly obvious, because I love spending time with mySELF, and I don't feel the need to hang around people or have many friends. Whenever I'm being selfish, I feel like its for my own benefit most of the time; this year, I have a brutal schedule that doesn't allow for free time unless I want a swift metaphorical kick to the groin. I can't spend time with people. However, my best friend is bipolar and ADHD, so he has a harder time than the average person. Also, the only thing he cares about is hanging out with people, and he often lets every other area in his life suffer because of it (fights with family if he needs the car, fights with me and other friends if we can't hang out with him, can't deal with being single, etc). He always asks if he can hang out, and I usually say no because: 1. He lives 45 minutes away, and 2. His mom usually asks me to pay gas if he comes (they're relatively poor). But I feel like he's also very selfish, because even when he wants to hang out with people, he always bitches out if they say no and calls them selfish; besides, he always wants people around to make him more secure.
Anyway, he bitched at me earlier because I couldn't let him spend the night. Its disadvantageous to both of us, but he basically said "fuck you, see how you do without me asshole". Now I'm not worried in the slightest that he broke off our friendship, he does this to his other friends and family all the time, but I am a little concerned about who is more selfish.
So who's more selfish do you think, me or him? If its me, I'm not really concerned. After all, it helps me to be selfish


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Re: Who's more selfish - October 2nd 2015, 05:25 AM

You're not being selfish for liking to spend time alone. I like to spend time alone, too, and I honestly would probably go crazy if I had to be around other people all the time. Some people like company, others don't. So, you're not being selfish, you're being logical in putting yourself and your schooling first. You have to put yourself first and make sure you're taken care of before you can do anything for anyone else. School is important and you can't just drop everything to hang out at the drop of a hat.

I think maybe having Bipolar and ADHD probably plays a role into how upset your friend gets when people can't hang out, but that's no excuse to talk to anyone like that.


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Re: Who's more selfish - October 2nd 2015, 12:14 PM

I'm going to agree with Calico. Yes, you're thinking about yourself, yes, you're putting yourself first, but no you're not selfish. At least not in the sense that you're doing anything wrong. You shouldn't have to feel pressured by anyone to hang out after you've made it clear that you can't. That's the other person not respecting your boundaries.

I can imagine living with ADHD and bipolar is hard enough, so being told no can be incredibly frustrating for your friend than average. However, that doesn't mean you have to give in to his every request to hang out.
This is probably much difficult to do because he is not a child anymore, but maybe you can try encouraging him to have alone time. Having a balance is much healthier than either extreme and alone time is where some of the best creative ideas come from. (Not just in the shower) I do imagine his parents are likely to have been on top of him a lot because of his conditions and he may be stuck in his ways to be around people 24/7 but it may be worth a try. Next time you two hang out, you can brainstorm some activities he can do himself. Best of luck.
   
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Re: Who's more selfish - October 2nd 2015, 07:24 PM

Constantly being around other people and socializing can leave you feeling burnt out. I don't think it's selfish to take time to yourself because everyone needs their personal time to do what they wish with it. You shouldn't be expected to always spend time with your friends. It's perfectly okay to take time for yourself as well. Plus, as Calico mentioned; you have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else and school is important.

Seeing as your friend suffers with ADHD and Bipolar, it could definitely make maintaining friendships a difficult task and could contribute to how he acts when you mention that you can't hang out but that behavior is unfair to you. Do you enjoy spending time with him excluding when he gives you a hard time when you don't particularly want company? If so, it may be a good idea to reassure him that you enjoy spending time with him but also explain how sometimes you feel the need to be alone for awhile and that you'd appreciate if he respected that.

Either way, I hope you're able to make friends who respect your need to be alone sometimes and also that your friend is able to make recovery process from his issues. It sounds quite difficult for both you and him when he acts out. It seems like he needs to acknowledge and do his best to understand that people need their personal time so it might help if he could find something that he enjoys doing that he could do in his personal time as well.
   
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