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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy The Guilt brings me back. - November 18th 2015, 05:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Anyone who has been around me with my family can see how poorly they treat me. My husband HATES my family with a passion. I'm pretty sure the only person he doesn't hate is my Mother's Mom, and My little sister Ellen.

Lately, I've had some horrible anxiety concerning my family. My mother has moved two hours away, which isn't bad, because I don't have to really 'deal' with her anymore. My older sister is still around (sadly) and I've not talked to my Father or his family, but because we live in the same town I see them out sometimes.

Every time I see anyone from either side of my family out, I start to panic. They don't talk to me, and I don't talk to them, but they always give me these super horrible looks. I mean just the looks they give me make me feel horrible.

All my life both my mother and father abused me physically and mentally. Now that I'm older, I try and make excuses for why they could have done that, and I want to forgive them, but I've come to realize that me forgiving them and me still being in contact with them are two VERY different things.

I know that I can forgive them in my heart, and not talk to them anymore, but I feel so guilty when I think about that. As easier as my life has been since I've stopped talking to my Father, I still feel slightly guilty. He only has two children, and both his children refuse to talk to him, and I have his only grandchild. I always feel bad that Ava won't have a relationship with my parents like she will with Jordan's.

I know that I shouldn't feel bad over them treating me horribly. For instance, for the longest time I realized my oldest sister was a horrible person, but I kept helping her, and letting her walk all over me, until one day I've realized I've just had enough and said enough is enough. I wish I had that courage for all my family members that treat me badly, and not just her. Better yet, I wish I had the courage to do that to ALL the people in my life who have no respect for me.

I just have no idea what to do in a situation like this. I guess deep down I love my family, but I just can't handle all this stress and drama that comes along with being in contact with them. It would be great if we could be like those family members who only speak on holidays or something like that. So I wont' feel guilty but won't feel as if I have to be friendly with them all the time.

I'm not even sure if any of this made sense, I just needed to get it out. Thanks.


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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Re: The Guilt brings me back. - November 18th 2015, 10:44 PM

Hey, Ade.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and have had so many difficulties with your family. It must be difficult having your family give you such mean looks and for them to be unappreciative of any help/effort you have put into them.

May I ask why your family is giving you looks and treating you that way? Your parents abusing you was not okay. And even if you had a wonderful relationship with them right now, it still wouldn't justify their past actions but I do believe forgiveness is always possible. Do you think it would be possible to maintain a relationship with your father now? Your father's children won't speak to him, and maybe that is beginning to make him rethink how he has treated everyone all this time.

That is simply an option I wanted to put out there because you and Ava deserve a good relationship with your father, and if there's any chance of that being a possibility, I hope that possibility has action taken. I believe it is possible for a person to change. But I also acknowledge that your father has hurt you a lot physically and verbally over the years. And I know you are protecting Ava from any of that. If he isn't willing to change his ways and treat his family with love and respect, then your decision is totally understandable. You shouldn't have to endure abuse nor should Ava be put in potential danger.

I am sure you have given your family plenty of chances, so just remember that it is up them to choose what they do with those chances. You are obviously a kindhearted and loving person, you have done a lot to try to help people in you family so you shouldn't have to feel the guilt if they are not willing to treat you with kindness in return. Or make compromises to work on treating you better. You can only do so much. You can try to repair your family, and that's wonderful that you try and you have done so much already, but just remember it's up to them what they do next; that's not on you.

Despite how you've been treated, you're loving and appreciative to your own family; Jordan and Ava. That's amazing that you decided to break the cycle and do everything completely differently and positive. In the meantime, continue being you and focusing on who makes you happy and treats you with respect and love. I imagine you'll raise Ava and she will become a respectful, kind person that you are proud of. You've held on through a lot of difficulties and you've proved the fight and maintaining faith is worth it.

I hope things get easier for you soon. Take care and stay strong.
   
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Re: The Guilt brings me back. - November 18th 2015, 11:22 PM

I truly have no idea why I'm getting treated this way, and there is a zero percent chance of re-connecting with my father. I've tried to reach out again, and I regret doing so.

Thank you for the advice and kind words.


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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Re: The Guilt brings me back. - November 18th 2015, 11:31 PM

You tried and you have accepted there isn't a chance of reconnecting. I respect your decision, and it's understandable. The point is, you tried instead of instantly giving up. The effort means a lot and shows you cared. If he didn't make an effort to make any changes then it isn't in your control, and you shouldn't have to be the one sitting here feeling guilty. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, Ade.

Know that you have friends here who care, and of course, Jordan and Ava that love you very much. You deserve to be treated well so I hope that from now on, you fill your life only with people who do just that. Don't settle for anything less that simple kindness and respect.
   
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Re: The Guilt brings me back. - November 18th 2015, 11:37 PM

Thank you.


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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