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~anongirl~ Offline
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Unhappy Really depressed, please help:( - November 25th 2015, 04:30 AM

Hi everyone,
I am "raindrop14". I am 14 years old, and I am young and new here. I have just joined today, in hopes that maybe someone out there can help me.
Anyways, my problem is my relationship with my mom. I love her so much, but she tends to get physical. Like today, when I was late to my class, I got a good slap! A couple of times, actually. (on my shoulders and arms)
Don't get me wrong, it was definitely my fault, because she had told me ahead of time she SPECIFICALLY wanted me to be on time, but I guess I was just slacking behind. But I want her to understand, there is a better way to get a message across than being physical, do you know what I mean? Also, a few weeks ago, on a Sunday, she found out I had a math quiz later that week, and I got hit for not telling her. (Also my fault, I totally should have told her!)
Also, she screamed at me today when I didn't clean our cat's litter box. I am also to blame for this, like why didn't I think of cleaning the freaking box?? I'm so stupid, man :/

Please don't get me wrong, she's not literally ABUSIVE or anything, because:

1-The hits do hurt, but it's not like I'm gonna die of pain :/
2-I NEVER bleed or bruise when she hits me, ever
3-She does tend to do it often, but not like everyday. !

So yeah, I don't want any answers telling me I have an "abusive parent" and that I should "call the cops". I love my mom, and I am just tired of being a total failure and disappointing her. She did so much for me, yet I am being so ungrateful and giving her a hard time. I am now depressed so much, I cry everyday. I hear so much heartbreaking things from her, telling me "You're an airhead" or "You have a mental problem" or "You act like you're autistic" or "You're such a weirdo" or "You're so socially awkward, that's why you don't have friends".
I do think those things are true, I DO probably have a mental problem, I'm horrible at math! And I AM socially awkward, a lot of people at school make it obvious that I am like that, it's kind of why I don't really have a lot of friends like the other girls. I feel bad for being a total loser, and a failure. I want to prove to my mom that I can be a good daughter, I want to make her smile, I want to make her proud of me, not embarrassed of me.
I truly have failed at being a good daughter, I'm literally her biggest disappointment. I think I embarrass her when I'm in public, because the whole social-awkwardness is kind of a part of my personality, and without even realizing it, I act like that even in public in front of everyone. And she is so right when she talks about my mental problem, I'm not exactly the "sharpest knife in the box" as they say. I guess I'm just a little slow sometimes.

How can I be a better daughter? How can I finally make my mom proud?
Plz dont be hard on me, I know I've made some mistakes, but I really want to improve so I can develop a better relationship with my mom. I also want her to stop hitting me, and just simply TALK to me when she wants to tell me how she feels, instead of getting aggressive.

Last edited by ~anongirl~; November 25th 2015 at 05:22 AM.
   
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Re: Really depressed, please help:( - November 25th 2015, 06:18 AM

Hi there and welcome to TeenHelp!

I'm Ellie, and first off - don't worry about us being hard on you. You can always expect kindness and support here at TeenHelp. You're brave and courageous for reaching out here and I'm really happy you did reach out to us. Regarding the situation with you and your mom, I just want to say it isn't your fault. And I'm so sorry you're feeling so depressed. Is there anyone in your life you can turn to for support? Your dad, a family member, a trusted teacher or another trusted adult? You're so young and you shouldn't be going through this alone. I wanted to remind you also to hold on. You've got your whole life ahead of you, you know? You won't always be in this situation hearing these harsh words and being treated in a negative way. I can't imagine what it must be like for you but you're obviously a strong person. You can do this, just keep swimming.

You may not want to hear this, but from what you've written it does seem as your mom may be verbally abusive to an extent. She should be treating you with kindness and working towards building up your self esteem - not the opposite. Her words impact you a lot and I can see that by the way you feel. You feel like a disappointment, like you've failed at being a good daughter and you're afraid of us being hard on you. What I take from that is you feel like you have to be perfect at home and in public with her. May I ask why you feel you are being ungrateful and giving her a hard time? Does it feel like you are walking on eggshells at times?

You shouldn't have gotten screamed at for not remembering to clean your cat's litter box. It isn't like you deliberately decided that you're not going to clean it and you're going to leave it up to her. You forgot about it and everyone forgets to do things whether it be small or important. That's okay, it doesn't make you stupid or anything of the sort. I'm sure your mom has forgotten to do lots of things as well. She isn't perfect, you aren't perfect and the truth is - no one is perfect. You shouldn't be expected to be.

Your question is how to be a better daughter and how to make your mom proud, but what you should aim towards is how to make yourself proud. Be someone you want to be and are happy with. Focus on your good qualities and always remember that everyone, even those who seem perfect will always have their flaws. Flaws mean you are human. You're being a wonderful daughter by simply being you and by being respectful to your mom. She shouldn't be treating you the way she is, though. Would it help to immerse yourself in hobbies and activities that make you feel good? I am sure you are amazingly talented at things you have yet to discover. And always keep in mind that even if you aren't good at something when you first try, you just need to practice. Perhaps you could join a club or sports at school? That could be a good way to make new friends as well.

What mental illness do you suspect you have? If you feel you have a mental illness then I suggest you see a psychiatrist for an evaluation, and if you suspect you may be autistic then it'd be a good idea to talk to your doctor about it. While we're on this subject, having a mental illness and being socially-awkward is common. So is struggling in particular subjects. The majority of people have a subject in school they aren't the best at, and math is yours. There's nothing wrong with that either, and if you're having a hard time then you could request a teacher to help you with it. I know sometimes it's difficult to understand it. Your mom should love you for who you are rather than be embarrassed. I hope she isn't embarrassed because despite any difficulties you struggle with, it doesn't define you or make you any less special or less worthy of care and kindness.

Most importantly, yes, there is most certainly a better way to get a message across than to be physical. Let her know how you love her and look up to her, so her words have a deep impact on you and make you feel like a disappointment and is making you feel depressed. Politely explain how you wish the two of you could discuss any frustrations or hurt feelings without physical action being brought into the picture and ask if that would be possible to work on. I suggest writing her a note because this way you will be able to talk about everything regarding how you're feeling from your point of view and ask about making some positive changes in how she handles her feelings towards something you do. It's okay to stand up for yourself as well, and you can do so in a polite, respectful manner. Simpy state that you forgot to clean the litter box, and that you were late to class but ask her to please understand that you can't always do everything perfectly; that you forget things too and her harsh words only make you feel worse.

The situation usually isn't black and white from the inside. You love your mom and I'm sure she loves you and has done a lot for you. The thing is, that doesn't make it okay for her to put you down with heartbreaking words that stick with you because that tears down your self esteem in the years when you need it to be built up the most. You shouldn't have to hear all this from your own mom, nor should you have to feel like you never have to be late or you can never forget to clean the cat's litter box. No one is always on time and no one never forgets anything. You deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding because I see you do that for your mom, it's okay to expect it in return. I understand you love your mom and don't want to take any action against her, but please keep that in mind. You matter and you are important. I respect your want of wanting to improve the relationship and I hope your relationship with her does improve. But I urge you to seek help from another adult if you've put all your effort into improving the relationship with her yet the harsh words and physical actions against you continues or worsens.

You're welcome to message me if you ever need someone to talk to, even if you just need to vent. Stay safe, stay strong and take care.
   
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Re: Really depressed, please help:( - November 25th 2015, 04:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nala View Post
Hi there and welcome to TeenHelp!

I'm Ellie, and first off - don't worry about us being hard on you. You can always expect kindness and support here at TeenHelp. You're brave and courageous for reaching out here and I'm really happy you did reach out to us. Regarding the situation with you and your mom, I just want to say it isn't your fault. And I'm so sorry you're feeling so depressed. Is there anyone in your life you can turn to for support? Your dad, a family member, a trusted teacher or another trusted adult? You're so young and you shouldn't be going through this alone. I wanted to remind you also to hold on. You've got your whole life ahead of you, you know? You won't always be in this situation hearing these harsh words and being treated in a negative way. I can't imagine what it must be like for you but you're obviously a strong person. You can do this, just keep swimming.

You may not want to hear this, but from what you've written it does seem as your mom may be verbally abusive to an extent. She should be treating you with kindness and working towards building up your self esteem - not the opposite. Her words impact you a lot and I can see that by the way you feel. You feel like a disappointment, like you've failed at being a good daughter and you're afraid of us being hard on you. What I take from that is you feel like you have to be perfect at home and in public with her. May I ask why you feel you are being ungrateful and giving her a hard time? Does it feel like you are walking on eggshells at times?

You shouldn't have gotten screamed at for not remembering to clean your cat's litter box. It isn't like you deliberately decided that you're not going to clean it and you're going to leave it up to her. You forgot about it and everyone forgets to do things whether it be small or important. That's okay, it doesn't make you stupid or anything of the sort. I'm sure your mom has forgotten to do lots of things as well. She isn't perfect, you aren't perfect and the truth is - no one is perfect. You shouldn't be expected to be.

Your question is how to be a better daughter and how to make your mom proud, but what you should aim towards is how to make yourself proud. Be someone you want to be and are happy with. Focus on your good qualities and always remember that everyone, even those who seem perfect will always have their flaws. Flaws mean you are human. You're being a wonderful daughter by simply being you and by being respectful to your mom. She shouldn't be treating you the way she is, though. Would it help to immerse yourself in hobbies and activities that make you feel good? I am sure you are amazingly talented at things you have yet to discover. And always keep in mind that even if you aren't good at something when you first try, you just need to practice. Perhaps you could join a club or sports at school? That could be a good way to make new friends as well.

What mental illness do you suspect you have? If you feel you have a mental illness then I suggest you see a psychiatrist for an evaluation, and if you suspect you may be autistic then it'd be a good idea to talk to your doctor about it. While we're on this subject, having a mental illness and being socially-awkward is common. So is struggling in particular subjects. The majority of people have a subject in school they aren't the best at, and math is yours. There's nothing wrong with that either, and if you're having a hard time then you could request a teacher to help you with it. I know sometimes it's difficult to understand it. Your mom should love you for who you are rather than be embarrassed. I hope she isn't embarrassed because despite any difficulties you struggle with, it doesn't define you or make you any less special or less worthy of care and kindness.

Most importantly, yes, there is most certainly a better way to get a message across than to be physical. Let her know how you love her and look up to her, so her words have a deep impact on you and make you feel like a disappointment and is making you feel depressed. Politely explain how you wish the two of you could discuss any frustrations or hurt feelings without physical action being brought into the picture and ask if that would be possible to work on. I suggest writing her a note because this way you will be able to talk about everything regarding how you're feeling from your point of view and ask about making some positive changes in how she handles her feelings towards something you do. It's okay to stand up for yourself as well, and you can do so in a polite, respectful manner. Simpy state that you forgot to clean the litter box, and that you were late to class but ask her to please understand that you can't always do everything perfectly; that you forget things too and her harsh words only make you feel worse.

The situation usually isn't black and white from the inside. You love your mom and I'm sure she loves you and has done a lot for you. The thing is, that doesn't make it okay for her to put you down with heartbreaking words that stick with you because that tears down your self esteem in the years when you need it to be built up the most. You shouldn't have to hear all this from your own mom, nor should you have to feel like you never have to be late or you can never forget to clean the cat's litter box. No one is always on time and no one never forgets anything. You deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding because I see you do that for your mom, it's okay to expect it in return. I understand you love your mom and don't want to take any action against her, but please keep that in mind. You matter and you are important. I respect your want of wanting to improve the relationship and I hope your relationship with her does improve. But I urge you to seek help from another adult if you've put all your effort into improving the relationship with her yet the harsh words and physical actions against you continues or worsens.

You're welcome to message me if you ever need someone to talk to, even if you just need to vent. Stay safe, stay strong and take care.
Thank you, Ellie, for your kind words. No one has ever told me something so comforting like that before, and I really appreciate it.
Yes, I agree that my mom should use a different method of dealing with me when she's angry. I guess I just couldn't help but think it's my fault, because I'm practically the only one in the house she treats this way. She does get sometimes upset with the other members of the household, but does not yell at them nearly as much as she does with me or get physical with them. But I won't give up, I am determined to one day earn her love and respect.
And about the mental problem, who knows, maybe there is something wrong with me that she is not telling me about, I've been such an idiot even since I was little. I find it hard to concentrate and pay attention to important things, and I kind of got yelled at this morning when she was giving me instructions to do something and I went back and asked her again to explain what I should do, because I didn't get it. I felt like crying, but I told myself to stay strong, remembering what you wrote last night.
Also, it takes a very long time for me to learn and understand stuff. Like someone will tell a joke, and it'll take me so long to actually get it! That might be why I am not doing too well in math, I am barely making that class with a C.
Whatever the case is, I am really going to try hard to concentrate(although its hard), and pay attention and follow instructions so she won't get so mad at me all the time.
Thanks again, Ellie

~raindrop14
   
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Re: Really depressed, please help:( - November 27th 2015, 08:12 AM

You're more than welcome. I'm happy I was able to offer some sort of comfort to you.

Having trouble concentrating, paying attention, and following instructions can all be signs of a disorder. For example, ADHD can make it hard to focus, and that is a common disorder a lot of people struggle with. However, I cannot say that you have it because I can't diagnose you due to not being a professional. It's just an example to support the fact that just because you struggle with certain things, it doesn't mean you are an idiot nor does it justify being verbally attacked by your mom. There could be a valid reason behind it, or just aspects of who you are. Either one of those is okay and I feel that it should be accepted by those around you. Or perhaps your mom is having difficulties understanding what it is like for you? To be honest, I'm more concerned for you because it must be frustrating to have trouble concentrating and paying attention.

You may find comfort in a evaluation to find out whether or not you have a disorder. And if you do, you can do research and find coping tips along with finding others who can relate to you. Therefore, realizing you aren't alone. If you are hesitant towards the idea of talking to your mother about this, could you bring it up to your doctor during a check-up or your next visit? You could discuss your concerns with your doctor and hopefully your doctor could explain a few possible things that it could be. Your mom hearing an explanation from a doctor could help convince her to take it seriously and also realize that many may struggle with what you are.

A lot of her words and actions point towards making you feel like it is your fault, so no wonder you feel that way. The way she treats you doesn't make it your fault. She may not know how to handle parenting you in a supportive, kind way, and again, that doesn't make it your fault. That is something she needs to learn. At this point, I do not believe it is you who should be making the effort. You seem to be respectful and kind to your mother from what you have wrote, and she is the one in the wrong.

Paying attention and following instructions to prevent her from yelling at you is an understandable goal, but you shouldn't have to feel that pressure at home. You shouldn't have to feel like you are walking on eggshells and if you don't do perfectly, you'll get yelled at or hit by a person whom you should feel comfortable and safe around. You deserve a lot better than this and that's why I urge you to reach out to another adult. Is there an aunt you trust? A family member on your mother's side or someone she looks up to/listens to would have a better opportunity of getting through to her. You could explain your situation to that person and ask if they could talk to your mom. I am not sure if that may worsen or improve the situation in how your mom treats you, which is why it is best to talk to your mom first.

I know that all of that is easier said than done, though. The situation can't be simple or easy in your position. I just feel a lot of compassion for what you are going through, despite the fact that I've never been through what you are currently going through. I hope and wish you are able to live a happier life at home without fear of being yelled at, hit, or called harsh words. Because as I said, you're a person and you matter - you should be treated with simple kindness and respect as well.
   
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