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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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A huge misunderstanding vent/advice - December 27th 2015, 06:23 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm unsure how to start this, so I'll just go on... Okay so, yesterday night my boyfriends sisters boyfriend thought that me and my boyfriend said that we hated him. Today I was made aware of the situation. I was asked if I said I hated him. I told them no I don't hate him and was very confused as to why he would think that as I said nothing of the sorts. Today I tried to talk to the guy to work out this huge misunderstanding. The thing is though, he was acting very mean towards me and my boyfriend, he refused to even talk about the situation. I decided that maybe i should just give him a few hours to cool off, and so i tried to talk to him again tonight. He gave me passive aggressive responses and told me he just wants to enjoy his cigarette, and so I went off and I started crying. Then I decided to get my boyfriends mom involved since I had no idea how to fix the situation. His mom asked everyone what was going on and it went all silent for a bit, then the guy told the mom that I said I hated him, and then I tried to explain my side of the situation. I told them that no I don't hate them and I have no reason at all to hate them and that i think they are a good guy and also mentioned that If i hated them, I wouldn't have spent so much time and effort to get them nice Christmas gifts. He then somehow got offended by that statement i made. I wasn't trying to offend him or anything, i was just trying to make a point. Then he asked if I wanted the gifts back, I said no of course not. To end what happened I ended up having a crying breakdown in front of everyone where i was breathing very heavy sobbing so much and was unable to speak. The guy didn't know why I got so upset and was asking me why i was getting so upset considering that we don't really know each other very well. I wasn't able to explain the reason why to him due to the crying and heavy breathing. In the end though we made up and he apologized to me and said he was really sorry and that it was a misunderstanding.
I know the situation is resolved but yet I still feel pretty bad. I also am trying to analyze this whole situation. I find myself questioning why he would think i'd have any reason to hate him. After all we've been very nice to each other before hand and he hasn't done anything to me to make me dislike him or anything. He's been a good guy. I just wonder why he would ever think that I hated him. I wonder why he wasn't willing to talk to me and resolve the issue without getting my boyfriends mom involved. I wonder why he was so mean to me. I just can't help but to analyze the situation.
Any thoughts or advice?


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Re: A huge misunderstanding vent/advice - December 27th 2015, 07:07 AM

Hey there,

It's hard for me to say why he would be so upset considering I know him even less than you do. The truth is maybe it was just a giant misunderstanding. Maybe he legitimately though you said those things.
Even if you had it's really no excuse to act like that. The fact is that some of us are better than others at conflict resolution. I think some people can escalate situations and some people deescalate them.
Maybe the guy has other stuff going on. The holidays can be a very stressful time of year. Try not to feel bad, especially if the situation is resolved.

I think it's most important that you don't dwell on the situation. If it's blown over then don't give it another thought. Talk to the guy next time you see him. Let him know that you don't in fact, hate him.
The whole situation does sound very confusing for me as well. How would something like that even get back around to someone if you're just among family?
I know it's hard to try and not think about it and break it down, but the older I get I found it's better to leave the past behind you.

- Ron
   
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Re: A huge misunderstanding vent/advice - December 27th 2015, 01:43 PM

The next time you talk to him, ask him if there's any way you conduct yourself that makes it appear you hate him. Sometimes people with low self esteem think people they don't even know that well hate them including myself actually. It's usually the people who have low self esteem likely me who misunderstand and expect everyone to to super joyful all the time.
   
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Re: A huge misunderstanding vent/advice - December 27th 2015, 03:40 PM

Judging by his conduct before the intervention, his unwillingness to discuss the matter with you alone, suggests that he was certain of being the one who was wronged. So therefor, he may have wanted to confer the matter to the others, so that they could sympathize with him and you would be disdained for your apparent mistreatment of him. Only once he witnessed your breakdown did he concede to you being innocent. This either made him realize that he shouldn't have wrongfully accused you or he was forced to appease, just so he wouldn't look even worse. But judging by his previous record, I think he just got too consumed in the moment and couldn't see past his own subjectivity, so, essentially, he didn't mean any harm.
   
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