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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy My father, again - January 1st 2016, 08:23 PM

Feel free to remove/change the prefix if needed.
Last time I posted a thread, I'd sworn to myself I'd never post again, or at least not in this section and not about this person, I stated I'd given up on him and stuff, but apparently the first thing he'd planned to do this year was ruin the fucking family, probably irremediably. I'm sorry this is going to be super long.
I'll start off by saying that we are all extremely nervous and worried, because long story short my sister was hospitalised on Dec 21st and the doctors said they still have no idea what caused whatever is going on inside of her that is paining her, she was lucky enough to be home on xmas day but not enough to spend new year's eve here.
Yesterday we (my father and I) had a bad row, like a really fucking awful one. We were at the hospital and I was hungry, and as soon as I left my sister's room to go get something to eat, a doctor got in and I guess spoke to my father about an exam my sister had to do. When I got back, he was still talking about this exam, I let him finish and then asked my father "I got in mid-sentence, I heard 'less invasive exam', what is this exam she has to do?". He whispers something, I can't hear him so I ask him to raise his voice and he starts looking at me with this weird stare, as if he were uncomfortable with speaking, and whispers something again. I still don't understand, so I ask again "what is this exam he was talking about?" and he starts rambling about stuff, just to end up saying "the one with the needle", so I say "a biopsy?" - my parents didn't want my sister to know there's a chance she might have to do this, but I thought "if the doctor said it, why can't I? He already said it, she knows.". He looks at me even more weirdly and goes on rambling and then says "but she has to do another ultrasonography". Basically, the doctor hadn't mentioned the biopsy, only the ultrasonography. I just say "ok, that's what I was asking you about", to which he responds by looking at me angrily and murmuring something. I ask "what did I do?" and he gets up, stares at me angrily, as if I'd insulted him badly, shruggs his shoulders and then proceeds to walk away and look out the window. I got out of the room because I was getting super angry and then cried. I told this to my mum when she came back and she managed to calm me down.
When my father and I got home, he started yelling at me. The convo was more or less
him: "you shouldn't have asked about that biopsy. She didn't have to know!" me: "I haven't asked you about the biopsy, I asked you to tell me what the doctor said."
him: "no you asked about the invasive exam!"
me: "no, I asked what the less invasive thing is - and again, if she has to do that exam, she'd ask you what it is. What's the difference between telling her now or later?"
him: "there is a difference, and anyway if you look at me and see I don't want to talk about it, you should shut up!"
me: "but she's my sister, I want to know"
him: "I have misunderstood you, but you should've shut up!"
He left to get some food, I cried so much I couldn't breathe and called my mum saying he was blaming me for a mistake he made and that I couldn't take it anymore. Last month I found out that when I was hospitalised for depression, self harm, anxiety, he refused to go see a counsellor, even if it could've helped me. I was basically suicidal at that time, and he knew (did he believe it? I don't know).
Anyway, today he was still mad as fuck at me because "poor little thing he did nothing wrong and I yelled at him and made his daughter feel scared" - by the way, my sister doesn't give two shits about that biopsy. He has a tendency of playing the victim. My sister is pushing him away, I don't know why exactly. My mother has been swallowing her words for nearly 25 years because he raises his voice every time someone disagrees with him, and she's pushing him away as well. He decided to gather us up in my sister's hospita room and said something like "decide what you want to do with me, I'm sick and tired of this situation" and left. My mother asked my sister why she was pushing him away and she didn't give her an answer. She asked me, and I poured out a 3-minute-long list of things (he prefers my sister over me, she can do everything, I'm not really good at anything; he repeatedly told me I couldn't sing when I was younger, even if he knew that was my biggest interest - he still thinks he can educate me on how to sing better, even if he can't sing; he never says sorry when he makes a mistake; I can't have serious discussions with him, because I'm wrong and he's right; 2 out of 3 times when we speak, I end up crying; I don't trust him, because when I speak about my problems he belittles them; he refuses to do stuff that would help us get along; when he asked me why we reject him, I told him his behaviour was a bit problematic, but he said it wasn't true; since I've been talking about moving, he's been pouring out all his worries on me - like "when you're home alone I'm scared for your safety" or "when you're away, I'mscared something might happen to you", and he'd never done it before; he goes from "you have to find a job, we can't go on like this" to "if I keep earning so much, we can go on holiday for easter! We are doing good!" in a matter of hours; I fear him, in general, and I don't know why, but I'm scared one day he'll start hitting me).
My mother went and talked to him and said that his behaviour was sometimes hurtful, that she can't handle the situation herself, and that it'd be a good idea for all of us to see a family counsellor. He said that we are the problem and that he isn't going to change anything or seeing any counsellor, that we have to solve this problem ourselves and show him some affection or he's leaving us. What a fucking ultimatum.
My mother cried. I said she wasn't doing anything wrong, and that it was just me and my sis who were pushing him away, but she told me she's feeling depressed too and that she is distancing herself from him too. I can't help but think that I've been overreacting the whole time and that it's my fault, that I shouldn't push him away, even though I never told him about anything he's done because I don't want to hurt him. I mean, he does tell me about his worries on purpose, and I think he's exaggerating them to make me feel guilty about leaving, but except for that, he isn't doing anything with the intent of hurting me, I hope.
I honestly don't know what to do. If he doesn't collaborate with us, the problem can't be solved. I'm not saying he's the only one to blame, because I realise I can be harsh with words sometimes, and I find it hard to say sorry, but it can't be just that. And I'm sure there's a reason behind my sis rejecting him like that, and it can't just be "she's a grumpy teenager". If we can't solve the problem, he said he's leaving us. I don't know whether what I'm feeing is anger, disappointment, or I'm just fucking depressed and tired. He'd given me a magnet with an inscription for xmas; it said "you can travel the world looking for what you need, just to come back home and find it". I find it extremely fucking annoying how hypocritical that sounds now. "I love you but if you don't show me love I'm leaving you". I was right from the start, I knew he was an asshole from the very first time he said "You can't do it as well as your sister". And people told me I was wrong or exaggerating. I used to want to change my surname, I then changed my mind, but I'm thinking about that again.
What can we do now? How can we save this family if he doesn't want to help?


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the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My father, again - January 1st 2016, 11:13 PM

It seems to me like your father is emotionally abusive. I think "I'm sorry, but you should have shut up." is the closest to a true apology you will ever get from him. People like that will commonly say, "I'm sorry, but [insert negative thing here]." because it is a way of apologizing yet finding a way to blame someone else for it because they don't want to take the blame. I don't think your father will ever take any sort of blame for his actions without criticizing someone else at the same time.

Emotional abusers like to have control of their victims and that is why he says he worries about you and he'll worry about you if you decide to move out. He is trying to get you to stay so he will still be able to criticize you. Abusers like this are very manipulative and they have to have someone around to abuse because they fall apart if they can't harm anyone with their words.

This isn't a problem that only you, your mom, and your sister can work on. This is something all of you, including your father, have to work through and heal from but if he isn't willing, healing is not going to happen, at least not in that sense. Your father either doesn't know what he is doing is wrong or does and refuses to acknowledge it and because of that it is very unlikely he will go to counseling unless he is somehow forced into it. If he wants to leave, I think you, your mom, and your sister should let him leave. He is unhealthy and you don't need him in your life if he is not actively working on himself. Soon after leaving he'll realize what a mistake he has made.

I do think that you, your mom, and sister should see a counselor either as a family, individually, or both. You might not be able to improve your relationship with your father but you can talk about what he has put you through. You can process it and begin to heal from all of this.

I like your idea of moving out. I think a lot of what you're feeling will slowly improve when you don't have a triggering person around. The best thing to do in these sort of situations is to cut all contact or stop as much of it as possible. If you want to change your surname I think you should go for it. It might be therapeutic for you.

Anyone who tells you you're overreacting is ridiculous. The things your father has said and done to you are not normal behaviors of a father and you have every right to be hurt by them.

Hang in there.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My father, again - January 2nd 2016, 09:05 AM

Serena..

Your father sounds like someone who needs an attitude adjustment or a counselor . There's no point talking about all the happy, positive things if all he does is merely lie about it and use your feelings to guilt trip you about everything. Try to cut off all contact with him because it's clear that he's not being a good guardian, let alone a good father. Sentences like "I have misunderstood you, but you should have shut up ! " show his personality, clear as day. He lives in a world where everything he does is right, and he has delusions of grandeur and kingship. You don't need to feel bad for asking about your sister, you've every right to know, every right to show concern and every right to ask and talk about it. Him not allowing you to know about it is a violation of your rights to information. This means that he just assumes that his children should only know what he wants them to know, and nothing more than that. This also means that he assumes that he should be the family's leader, when his actions show that he is anything but qualified.

Such a person is the worst possible dad one can have, because all this leads to are submissive children who suffer every day at his hands.

It speaks volumes when not even your mom can stand it anymore, and I can understand her taking it like this.. If he wants to leave, it might be better for the good of your family. No one needs a domineering, hypocritical dad who doesn't even care about his own children's feelings in a household. He sounds like a psychopath in the making, and he's turning every situation to his advantage. I don't think someone like that is capable of change, or he would have sounded genuinely remorseful by now . Guilt tripping someone isn't remorseful, it's despicable. It's horrible when a dad guilt trips his family and forces them to take the blame for all the things he did wrong..

It's probably best to find other places for you (or even your family besides him ) to stay together, for I can tell that he's the problem .. he's the cause of all your family's problems. I hate to say this but some fathers are bad fathers. All they do is just not care. He only cares about himself. Try talking to your sister and mom about this..

But be careful not to push him over the edge. People like him are capable of bad, physically harmful actions when they're pushed beyond the brink, and it's also important to not make the situation any worse. But nothing is your fault, because the one who's making the situation worse for you guys is him. The fact that you're trying to help out, trying to make your family feel better also means a lot. Shows that you're strong, determined individual who deserves respect, love and care.

I want to hear updates on this situation, because you clearly deserve better than to be treated this way, and you deserve freedom.. care, compassion,love and security. If you need any help, feel free to rant to me!


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rant to me if there's anything!

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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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