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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Sister called me selfish and unappreciative - July 6th 2017, 03:05 AM

My family almost forces help and gifts and things I don't ask for onto me and then if I don't outwardly show my affections to them they say I'm rude, cold, unappreciative, and selfish. I don't ask for things often and I understand that when I do, I should be thankful I can get those things, and I always thank my family for the things they do for me. Today my sister said some things to me that stung pretty hard. It actually hurt so bad I cried pretty hard for a while. I feel awful that she thinks those things of me. Basically my mom wanted her to get me food because she was working tonight so she wasn't cooking and my sister kept asking me what I wanted. I understand she was trying to be nice and make me happy but I really wasn't in the mood to go out to eat or even eat at all honestly so I told her at first I just wanted fast food, but she said she didn't. So then we brought up Chinese food and thought about that but eventually I told her I didn't want to get anything and I'll find something if I'm hungry. I went outside to practice my archery and she eventually came out to watch and asked me again to go out to eat. I felt bad that I wasn't going because I thought she wanted me to and that I upset her by not going, so I agreed even though I felt very nauseous and anxious. When we ordered the food after driving there, I felt worse and worse and couldn't stomach food so I didn't eat. We ordered one meal for us to share and I know it isn't exactly right of me to not eat when someone else is paying, but I felt like puking and I don't think I could've held it down. We went home and then she acted like she was all five with it but then she asked me if I wanted the food we took home. I was starting to feel better and was getting hungry so I said yes, and ate one dumpling and a lettuce wrap. Afterwards she proceeded to suddenly get angry at me and say "oh, so now you eat now that we're home. You need to take medicine fore your anxiety or something because it's ridiculous that you can't go out to eat without getting sick." Now mind you, I DO take medicines for my depression and anxiety and one of the reasons why I went with her was to try to get out of my comfort zone like she wanted me to. I almost feel as if she set me up just so she could yell at me and make me feel guilty. She used to not be able to eat out either due to anxiety, so she should know how it is. I know it was a bit rude of me not to eat at the restaurant when someone else is paying, but like I said, I was sick to my stomach. Now just an hour ago, she came downstairs while I was in the living room with my mom and seemed all fine and happy and showed me stuff on instagram. Then my mom brought up the subject of what we are, and she again got angry and went on a five minute rant about how rude, selfish, and inconsiderate I am and how much of an "a-hole" I am and that it's "honestly f*****g disgusting how ungrateful I am. I've already been struggling with my self image and I always tell myself I am ungrateful and don't deserve anything so even though those comments might not seem brutal, they hit me right in my weak spots so it really really stung hard. She told me at the end to "F off and not ask her for anything ever again." At this point I was extremely angry as I felt I was being very unfairly accused and I thought that if everyone else in my house was allowed to express their feelings outwardly, then this was my turn. I told her to screw off and I don't need her pity or gifts nor do I need her to take responsibility for me. I'm not a little boy who needs his diaper changed. I never say things like this to my family, but my family has no issue saying terrible things to me, and I always stay silent and take it. In that moment I thought enough was enough. Maybe it wasn't right, but I didn't care, it felt good to let out my feelings freely like everyone else gets to all the time.

Ironically, just a couple of days ago my sister was bragging about how great of a kid I am, and I'm "literally the best brother ever" and I "do everything to help the family without getting angry" and "if I were you, I'd flip out on this whole house with the way we treat you sometimes."

So what gives? Am I completely in the wrong? I'm not saying I was right to not eat the food she ordered but she sort of forced it on me even when I kept telling her I did not want to eat. I just don't get what I am doing wrong. How does her opinion of me change that quickly?
   
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Re: Sister called me selfish and unappreciative - July 7th 2017, 01:20 PM

Maybe your sister's opinion changed because of the way she was feeling. She, too, was angry, and likely said those things in the moment; she probably did not truly mean them.

Do you think you could talk to her and tell her the things you mentioned here? For instance, you could let her know that you had a stomach ache and didn't eat because you didn't think you'd be able to hold the food down. You could also let her know that you're working on your anxiety, but you felt more anxious after she said what she said about you.

It wasn't wrong of you to not eat the food right away. Your sister asked several times if you wanted to eat and you said no; you told her you didn't want anything. It was nice of her to pay, but that doesn't mean you were obligated to eat the food.

You said that even though it may have been wrong for you to speak to your family like that, it felt good to let your feelings out. Can you try letting your feelings out in other ways? You could exercise, keep a journal, or talk to someone you trust to name a few.


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