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organizedchaos Offline
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Alone - August 7th 2017, 04:59 AM

Today has been a shitty day.

I had an awesome trip where I got to see what it's going to be like when I get to move away for college next year, and now I'm stuck back in the cesspool of assholes, otherwise known as the town I live in, with no friends again.

I used to be in such a toxic friend group, they criticized everything about me and made me feel completely worthless all while I was dealing with struggle after struggle outside of school. I finally got out of it and realized how horrible they treated me and how bad it really was for my mental health. I now have serious self doubt issues and started getting social anxiety at my old high school. I honestly thought for the past year that I was the problem, and that it was impossible for me to have any friends because everything about me is wrong. This somehow gave me comfort because I figured it's fine I just need to accept the fact no one will ever want me and be done with it.

I had been trying to do this for the past year, but naturally I held out hope that maybe I'd meet someone at the local college I'm attending this year. I still had the tiniest sliver of hope, though I pretty much figured that once I got there and it didn't happen that the hope would finally just extinguish.

However at the college visit this theory was proven very wrong. I could easily walk around by myself and talk to a bunch of random people feeling comfortable. I even made a handful of friends that were all really cool. Now I know there are really people out there that don't hate me, and I'm not just socially inept which I was really starting to believe after over a year alone with almost no socialization....

Today was the first day of me going back to that hermit lifestyle and it's absolute shit. I went from laughing and talking and just being me having a great time to sitting in my room alone thinking what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a horrible sorry excuse for a human being?

Now the fun exciting social part of me is being strangled again by all those inner self deprecating thoughts I can't seem to get rid of... I don't want that life back though. I can't the loneliness is killing me. It hurts so much now that I remember how much fun I used to have when I had healthy friendships and my life wasn't a total train wreck.

I'm now more hopeful than ever that I'll make friends next year, but I'm now more terrified than ever as well. The lack of self confidence is kicking in making me doubt I'll be able to make friends and that I'm a worthless piece of shit, but I still am clinging to the happy memories thinking it's going to be fine and that I can do this. I want to puke I'm so nauseous and I'm starting to have trouble breathing.

I haven't had a panic attack in over a year. Not since I got rid of the assholes I called friends, and got my life into decent shape... This is making me so depressed and I can't handle it. I don't want to be alone anymore, I can't. It's too hard and I don't know if I can hang on until school starts, and even then it takes a while to become real friends with someone which is what I need so much.

I'm just so desperate to get out of this hell hole and away from these people I honestly considered running away, and still want to... I just want to pack up my car and drive. Driving is one of the few things that still makes me feel alive and happy, so why not just pack up and drive? Maybe then I'd finally find peace and happiness and not feel like an empty shell of the person I used to be. I don't care where the hell I go I just can't take being here anymore, it's killing me. Every day I spend here I feel myself dying on the inside a little more... I don't know what to do, anyone been here before and gotten through it? Please I need help!
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: Alone - August 7th 2017, 01:22 PM

Leaving toxic friendships can be very hard and what you did through leaving your friends and trying to get your life back on track after the aftermath of them took a lot of courage and strength.

You are very strong. You went to this college trip despite being nervous about making friends and you really want to change things for yourself. That desire in itself can take you pretty far.

Your college trip went well. You said you were talking, laughing, and being yourself. Hold onto that until you can get back there. The trip you took proves that you can do this. It is definitely normal to worry about making friends in college but when you think that way, think about how your college trip went. Keep clinging to those happy memories and using self-talk to get you through this.

Are there any coping skills you like to use to cope with your thoughts? You could find different ways to distract, talk to someone you trust, or even talk back to the thoughts. Get in a fight with the negative thoughts, if you will; tell them why they are completely untrue. You could consider listening to affirmations for self-esteem. There are some videos on YouTube about it. Affirmations aren't for everyone but they are worth a try and they are thought to slowly reprogram the mind's negative thoughts.

You said you like to drive. Running away isn't a healthy option, but when you get anxious about everything you could go for a drive. You could go to your favorite place, or find a hiking trail or treat yourself to something. Driving could be a good alternative because it's a little bit harder to think negative thoughts when you have to focus on the road.

Keep on fighting. You can do it.

I'm around if you ever want to talk.


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