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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Frustrated - August 23rd 2017, 12:51 PM

Hi all,

I am frustrated at the relationship with my friend S . I will start by saying she is a really sweet person and I love her like family. But just as she would put it "we are like sisters and sometimes even sisters fight" </3

Okay but I'm still frustrated because well, I feel like we are cool with each other when things go well but when there's stress or pressure, we clash a bit.

For example, I was going to a support group for like 2 years now. But recently after the incident with the guy in a different thread, I just got a general feeling of not wanting to go there. It might subside soon, who knows. But right now I really just don't want to be around him or be in that space really. Also I'm kind of withdrawing and retreating into my cave again. I'm having a hard time with social anxiety and other things at the moment.

Now this friend, we can call her S. I was going to the group alone till about last year September I think. She needed a support group so I offered to take her with me. I knew my gut was telling me that's not the best idea because it would be better for me if I keep space from her and have this group to talk about things I don't necessarily want her to know about. But I ignored that because she is my friend and needed the support and I know she has a hard time accessing to get to places because she can't travel alone so it wouldn't be helpful to throw a list of support groupsat her knowing she can't get places on her own and her mother isn't always able to take her.

Okay so over the year, it was hard because anything she'd hear in the group she would confront me about it even though I didn't want to talk more than I did at the group and she knows my family so sometimes she asks me like "did your sister REALLY do that? But that's not how I know her!" And I don't want to be like tattle taking on my family.

Okay so fast forward to the incident with the guy. He was weird towards her too but I guess she brushed it off. I didn't. It stuck with me and won't leave me alone. During the summer she was in this class so it conflicted with the time of the group so I went alone a couple times or so and that's when the guy was about to come into the office while I was alone in there and I freaked out that time and earlier that day when he tapped me on my shoulder.
Okay so now she can go to the group and I told her I didn't want to go. She was really upset as she wanted to go.
This happened before when she wanted to go but I did not and usually j would end up going with her anyway but I also tried talking to her about the different alternatives to me taking her there and back. Also she wanted me to go with her to a grief support group but I didn't want to go and it would be overwhelming to make time to take her and back and expensive too! She also wanted me to tutor her for free but that's a different story. Sigh.

okay so things got tense after I didn't go with her the last time because that meant she couldn't go either. I tried bringing up different options again but she said no way to all of them. The only way she can go, according to her is if *i* take her/go there with her.

Then one night she said she was around the neighborhood and asked if I want to come down to the place they eat. I said I had anxiety and didn't want to go out. She was just like I'm here for you and stuff and I'm going away for 4 days and stuff so I'm like okay.

When I was hanging out with her she told me she really wanted to go to the group weenesday night and asked me why I didn't want to go and then guessed, "is it because of that boy?" I don't like answeribg when peoplr ask me "why?" About something because then they poke holes in my reasons and delegitimize it and that's what she did. And she also said she is on a wait list for a therapist so the group was her way of support. She also told me "what were you doing Wednesday night? You just stayed home, didn't you?"
I don't know why that hurt, but I felt like she was guilt tripping me. Kind of like rubbing it in that I didn't do anything that night and could have taken her there and like I wasted my time doing nothing instead and that I let her down.


I feel like I got myself into a mess because last year I made the decision to take her there and back and I was going there for myself too. But over time things started to clash with different things until this point where I say I don't want to go this week.
I thought she would know how to get there eventually on her own like she travels to work on her own but it turns out she can't get there. I believe her. I guess I didn't think it through. Ithe was in the spur of the moment thing. She said her therapist at the time suggested a support group and asked me if I knew of any. And NAMI is a good organization so I wouldn't want to deny her of learning about resources. I felt like it wasn't my place to keep quiet about it if I knew it might help her. But if I do want to go there eventually I may or may not want to go with her and I will feel guilty going without telling her so she can come too.
Sometimes I might be near the group location and it just happens to be that I walk over but j don't do that anymore. Since I started going with yer, we had to plan very precisely on the time and place of where we meet first before traveling togrther. But I think my time with that group is over for now. I w as nt to like move on but maybe occasionally pop back in. Which will have me feeling guilty knowing my friend S really wants to go regularly.

There's this service that does pickup/drop off for people with disabilities of all kinds including autism which ia what she has. And if is the same cost as a public transportation. But she wouldn't use that service.

I have some other frustrations with our relationship that involves her downplaying my experiences and bringing up examples of people who had it worse and other stuff.
   
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Re: Frustrated - August 23rd 2017, 09:59 PM

This situation with your friend definitely does seem frustrating, hopefully venting about it helped.

It seems like you've given your friend many other options and resources and she has said no to those. Ultimately, the decision is hers and if she doesn't want to utilize the other resources than that is on her. There is only so much you can do; you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

She said she'd only go to the group if you take her or attend with her. Do you know if she has any other friends or family that can take her or attend the group with her? Maybe you can ask her why it is that she feels she can only attend if you are there as well.

Perhaps you can let her know how you're feeling. You could tell her that you felt hurt when she mentioned that you stayed home Wednesday instead of attending the group. It might help to let her know that you are doing what you felt was best for you and you don't really want to discuss it anymore.

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Re: Frustrated - August 31st 2017, 04:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
This situation with your friend definitely does seem frustrating, hopefully venting about it helped.

It seems like you've given your friend many other options and resources and she has said no to those. Ultimately, the decision is hers and if she doesn't want to utilize the other resources than that is on her. There is only so much you can do; you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

She said she'd only go to the group if you take her or attend with her. Do you know if she has any other friends or family that can take her or attend the group with her? Maybe you can ask her why it is that she feels she can only attend if you are there as well.

Perhaps you can let her know how you're feeling. You could tell her that you felt hurt when she mentioned that you stayed home Wednesday instead of attending the group. It might help to let her know that you are doing what you felt was best for you and you don't really want to discuss it anymore.

Here for you.
Thank you so much
We hang out last night and throughout the night she kept saying she needs someone who she can talk to because she is on the waitlist for a therapist with a specific agency and she doesn't have support in the meantime

Throughout the night she would say how she needs a therapist and wants to go to the support group but that she won't ask me to go with her but then she'd ask like halfway and say she isn't asking. But kind of subtly let me know that she wants me to change my mind and say yes.

A few times something stressful would happen to her and she would tell me "you see why I need support?"
And u hate being that barrier to her access of support.
A few times she would say she will try going by herself using her phone for Google maps.

I asked her if she can go with a different friend in the past but she said no. And her mom is usually the person that takes her places and I think she even Saud she would go with her but I think my friend is worried about stressing out her mom too much so she is trying to get me to lessen the load I guess?
They even make jokes about how I'm like the babysitter which I know was a joke but it kinda is starting to feel that way, more so when her brother is there and they fight and they kind of use me the way they use their mom to break up the fight. While the mom is so stressed and kind of wants to be alone.

I feel for them. I do. I feel for the mother, for my friend and even for her brother whom I personally do not get along with bug from a distance I feel for him. They are all very stressed out and their relationships with each other are strained.

I guess it's just, asking me to take her isn't wrong. But j gave my answer already you know? So now it is more of a pressure thing and I might just give in. I don't know, I feel bad, the next meeting is next Wednesday.
She and her mom have both been really good to me and I feel lIke I owe her.
I guess I have 6 days to decide.
I will also be at the iop on Wednesdays now that I'm officially enrolled in a set classes. So I would be done around 3 I think and will be home 3:45. And then we would need to meet at 4:45 at the train and nor be home till 10pm. And then I have iop again the next day. So...it is a lotest to think about. Our friendship, possibly alleviating a little of their stress, feeling like a babysitter, not wanting to go for personal reasons, and so on.
   
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Re: Frustrated - September 3rd 2017, 02:08 PM

You're right in that asking you to take her is not wrong, but it's not fair for you to feel pressured or forced into doing what she wants you to do. You already gave her your answer and she does not have to like your answer but it would help if she'd respect it a little bit more.

Even though your friend and her mom have been good to you, you don't owe her this. You have your own schedule and your own reasons as to why you don't feel comfortable going and while it is nice to help out a friend you have to look after yourself first.

It is understandable for your friend to want to take stress off of her mom but your friend is the daughter and her mom is the mother and that is what mothers' do: they help their children out. So, maybe you can encourage her to go with her mom.


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1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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Please call that story back.

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Re: Frustrated - September 9th 2017, 08:18 AM

Thank you again
She didn't ask me about it and I didn't go on Wednesday.
But now there's someone else who I thought was an acquaintance about to be a friend but turns out she also wanted free services from me and I'm scared now. Why does this keep happening to me?
   
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