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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Jess~ Offline
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not sure how to explain this to people - August 9th 2018, 08:47 PM

so i grew up homeschooled until i went to high school. my parents homeschooled me to "save me" from the world of sin, which was understandable considering they were diehard christians and whatnot. they forced me to go to church with them until i was around 16-17, which was when i finally put my foot down and just refused to waste my time hearing about a religion i wasn't part of.
you could definitely say that i was very sheltered and overprotected, but i know they were just trying their best to do what they thought would give me the best life possible. i appreciate them so much for that.

growing up i learned pretty much everything about getting around certain things and finding loopholes. strict parents really do raise the sneakiest kids. my life was about creating perfect lies, working out the lies with my siblings so that everyone knew what the story to tell was, and doing my best to get around everything. they even tried to monitor the music i listened to, so i created fake playlists with clean, christian songs just to hide the actual playlists i listened to. i would use ip scrambler and vpn apps to get around the blocks they tried to put on the wifi (which included blocking all forms of social media, as i wasn't allowed to use that).
long story short, when you grow up in that type of environment... while i don't really blame them for it and i don't harness any anger toward them about how strict they were, because they really were great parents in the long run... i don't know. that mindset of always finding a way out, a way to perfectly lie about anything, and a way to cover up ALL of my tracks, at all costs... i mean it's definitely not something i can just stop doing. and i'm really good at it now too.

the real problem here is this: i'm an adult, going to college, and i have a job. i like to stay out with my friends really late at night, smoke weed, drink alcohol, and hookup. that's honestly really mellow and acceptable for a young adult, i think, compared with the things some people i know are doing.
i'm not a crazy party animal or anything, i still get straight A's, get offered a lot of extra hours at work, and am currently looking into what 4-year university i'm going to transfer to, as well as starting to plan for an apartment in a year or so. i was put on the dean's honor list last semester for a 3.8 gpa, for fucks sake. i think i'm doing just fine.

thing is, i'm trying to meet new people. some of the people i'm trying to hang out with more always hit me up late at night and want me to come hang out and smoke. i wouldn't do that anyway, since i don't know them very well. but my problem is with the fact that i genuinely can't do that, even if i wanted to. i mean, i could. i recently snuck out of my house late at night for the first time to hang out with some close friends, and god was it a freeing experience. but it was also insanely nerve-wracking.
my siblings and all, having all grown up in the same strict environment, work great as a team now. for me and my brother to leave the house at 1am and hang out at the park with close friends for an hour or so (not smoking or anything, literally just chilling and talking) we had to make a whole plan with our youngest brother, who stayed home to let us know if anyone woke up. our friends had to pick us up since obviously my parents would notice if my car wasn't there.
in my opinion, i should be able to leave the house, in my own car, whenever i want, as long as i'm not waking up anybody or doing it every single night. it just feels stupid to me, to tell people that i "can't" leave the house at midnight or else my parents will, what, give me a lecture?

i mean, i know that i technically can leave the house and obviously they're not going to stop me. it's not like there's even a set rule where they've told me i can't. the thing is, sometimes it's just easier for me to not deal with the bullshit, the passive-aggressiveness, and the unnecessary interrogations that come with me, god forbid, hanging out with other people.
even to go out with friends during the day, i'd rather wait for a day where i'm home alone and just be sure to come back home before my parents get back, instead of having to deal with telling them that i'm going out with friends. they just make it such a big deal when it's really not...
sometimes when i go out, my mom will try to stay up until i come home. (and let me just say that i know it's just because she cares about me and wants to make sure i get home safe. cool.) one night i stayed out so late that she had to give up and just go to sleep.
the next day she asked me what time i got home and i told her the truth. a few days after that, my brothers informed me that she just asked them what time i "really" got home that night. just... what the fuck? when they answered with the same time i told her (aka the ACTUAL time i got home) she asked if that's what i told them to say.
jesus christ i am going to be 20 years old in december and these people can't accept that i come home late sometimes.

that's what i mean by the bs, passive-aggressiveness, and overall condescending attitude that i have to put up with.
i can live with it and i'm going to do what i want as it's my life and there's really no reason my social life should be limited as long as i'm getting good grades and doing well at work.

i know the obvious answer is just to move out, and i'm working on it. but lets be honest... i'm working a minimum wage job and i live in california. i need to stay at home and save up as much as possible for as long as possible before i leave, and even then i'll probably need a couple roommates to pay for a $1500 apartment each month.
that means at the very least, two more years of this shit. i want to go for more than just a bachelor's degree, so maybe even longer, i don't know.

i would try to talk to them about this, but it's really hard to put it into words. because obviously they're not physically stopping me from doing what i want. they don't threaten to kick me out or anything. i have it really great here and i love and appreciate them for all that they do. all they ask is that i don't bring random people in the house when i'm home alone, and i don't.
but it's just the attitude and the atmosphere. it's annoying and feels restrictive. i want to be able to drive to a friend's house at 3am sometimes. sue me.
i think the worst part of this is that staying the night at a friends house is out of the question to them. but when i've been smoking and drinking, i'd much rather spend the night there than drive home all groggy and still not 100% sober, just to get home at a "reasonable" time. staying off the road is the responsible thing to do in that situation, but there's just so little trust between my parents and i that i know if i were to stay the night, they wouldn't believe anything i told them and would just immediately assume i stayed at some guy's house to fuck. and why shouldn't i be able to do that either?

basically, tl;dr, i'm an adult and i'm responsible and trying to make a good life for myself. i deserve to have a little fun and enjoy my youth. you might have your own opinions about the drugs and drinking and sex, but it's my life and i think if i want to do those things, as long as i'm responsible about it and don't threaten other people's lives with my actions, i should have every right to. other people my age are able to go out as they please, so my excuse of "my parents are weird about that stuff" isn't really holding up anymore as a valid excuse.
i don't know how to explain just how deep this weird, judgmental atmosphere is in our household, and i don't know what to do about it.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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cynefin Offline

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Re: not sure how to explain this to people - August 11th 2018, 03:05 PM

It is awesome that you're so responsible and it seems like you are doing great juggling work and school! Work and school can be difficult to juggle so hopefully you are proud of your accomplishments.

It is understandable to want to meet new people and to have more of a social life and that's a good thing. Even though you are over eighteen and can technically do anything you want, you do still live in your parent's house so it is important to try to follow their rules when you can. With that being said, as you mentioned, they didn't really set a particular rule in this instance and they cannot stop you from leaving home. So, if you want to go out, and you feel comfortable doing so, then go for it.

You can't really change your parents so you may not escape the restrictive and judgmental environment until you are able to move out. Something to think about, though, is that you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you can and cannot do certain things. You don't have to tell anyone that your parents are weird about that type of thing, or anything at all if you don't want to tell them. What you share in that regard is up to you.

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