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19230 Offline
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What is my friend doing? - June 16th 2009, 03:19 AM

Ok, so my friends mom just had surgery and is recovering. my friend is in charge of taking care of her (because she can't walk more than 30 sec at a time due to the surgery). My friend didn't return 2 phone calls and a text in about a week which is very unlike her. I IM'd her "Maybe you're busy with your mom (that's ok), but it seems like you've fallen off of the face of the earth lately. If you're busy with her, that's fine-but can you just let me know? I'm worried that I did something wrong and you're mad and don't want to talk to me..." and she replied about 30 min later, "im alive. but barely. socially, i've been totally out of touch, and its not changing anytime soon." Here's the strange thing... she offered to meet another friend at a local restaurant (through facebook wall posts) about 2 days ago. We went to prom together (I'm a guy) and she's told me secrets that only her parents know about, so I think she trusts me and I doubt I annoy her. What gives here? Why is she saying she's withdrawn socially when she's setting up a time to get food with another friend?

I don't want to pressure her too hard because she's, how should I say, fragile. I'll probably text or IM her again tomorrow and just say, "My offer to help with anything still stands, and I'm always here if you want to talk about anything." I told her that before the surgery and she just said, "I appreciate the offer." and never actually acted on it.
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Re: What is my friend doing? - June 17th 2009, 04:35 AM

Hm, from what you've written about your friend, her current behaviour doesn't seem congruent with how she behaved in the past. You are a good friend and I'm sure she really appreciates that, especially now. It seems like she has a lot going on in her life and that could make things pretty stressful at times. I'm sure you know that.

My advice to you would be to avoid thinking about this too much. I don't think she meant to do this on purpose or purposely avoided you or something. You know what I mean? I think that your friend simply has a lot going on in her life at the moment and she's been given a large amount of responsibility in such a short amount of time.

Perhaps you should talk to her about it, when she has a second. Try to understand that she's probably very busy taking care of her mother and doing other things to help out the family. As to why she's making time to get food with another friend, I don't know. My advice to you in regards to this would be to avoid assuming anything, despite how difficult that may be to do. Assuming is never good and usually leads to trouble.

You two seem like really good friends. When things die down a bit, talk to her about it. Explain the way you feel and I'm sure that she isn't doing any of this to purposely hurt you or hide something from you. She has a lot going on right now and it's easy to get off track. Give it some time, don't stress about it too much and eventually talk to her about it.

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Re: What is my friend doing? - June 17th 2009, 05:33 AM

Hey there,

it's great that you're such a caring friend. Even if she's been withdrawn lately, I'm sure that your friend really appreciates you checking in on her and offering to be there for her.

Taking care of her mother is probably pretty exhausting right now, and when people get that stressed out they often don't act how they normally would. I know sometimes I actually withdraw from the people I'm closest to when I'm going through a hard time because for some reason or another I don't want to bother them (even if they've assured me I wouldn't be) or burden them or don't want them to see me freaking out or something, so maybe something like that is going on with your friend.

You should be proud of your efforts to be there for her so far and try not to let any uncharacteristic distance bother you too much. And make sure that you're taking care of yourself, too

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Re: What is my friend doing? - June 18th 2009, 01:30 AM


It does sound like you are a great friend!

I am going to throw something out there and hopefully help you think of it differently...it might not but who knows. It's kind of like what dancer said. Anyways, you said she has told you a lot, more than she has told anyone, so maybe, right now since she is going through a lot she doesn't want to bombard you with anymore so she is kind of avoiding you, you know? It probably isn't even on purpose. She could just feel bad for bombarding you and she could want to let you rest.

Maybe you could give her some time to cool off, IM her periodically with some nice words and offers to help. But, don't get worried too soon. And, in the future, when you know her mom is supposed to be recovered maybe you could offer to take her to dinner or something?

Hope this helped and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

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