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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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Arrow I HATE my Father - June 25th 2009, 06:33 AM

I seriously hate my Father. I'm not talking about my adoptive Dad, he's a great guy and all... but, I mean my birth father. I seriously hate the guy. For all my life I've related to songs and films about sons dealing with these horrible despicable fathers and I had no reason why I felt this way until recently. Looking back over earlier scripts I wrote, I’ve found that unconsciously a part of me has always known. Interestingly, I’ve never even met the guy, but I know some of what happened now and it’s always been a part of me.

“It’s not just a memory you can suppress – I’ve been trying to all these years – so you ask me who I fight for – myself! Every person I take down – I think it’s my father – it’s payback for this life that he gave me – he gave me fear, Clay! Do you know how scary that is?! I fight for myself because it’s the only thing I have left!”
I’ve even found that once I tap into that anger, it fuels my rage and makes me work harder, faster, meaner. Since it went from unconsciousness to consciousness, it’s like this inescapable nightmare that I can’t run away from. I hate him for this life that he gave me, always feeling like an outsider – no matter how good things get. It’s always there. Never ending. A hell dimension. My Mother and I were his victims, he knocked her up and ran off and when I was born, she couldn't keep me due to this stupid religious thing – because it's seen as unnatural growing up without both parents. In essence, his leaving her made her leave me. How can I forgive him for that? I fucking hate him!!!!

Yet, oddly I want to meet him. I want him to teach me how to be a man, to use everything I have in my blood. As much as I want to believe my adoptive parents are my real parents, I can’t hide from my past – you can’t choose family. It’s not like I chose to have a bastard father who gave the world a bastard son… I just, god, I just want to rest or something. Even on days that should be amazing – I can’t run away. Not completely. Never completely. My life sucks because of him. It's like every day is tainted now, sometimes I even feel dead inside because of this inability of getting a firmer grasp on things.

Don’t know why I typed this, just a rant, just had to get it out there rather than bottling it all in. Even though it won't last even a while before I feel like shit again...

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; June 25th 2009 at 06:38 AM.
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MadPoet Offline
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Re: I HATE my Father - June 25th 2009, 06:48 AM

Hey Josh. I can understand that this would be annoying and hard to deal with. But I think it's fair to say that a lot of times it's not purely blood that makes up your family. You may be related to someone by blood, that doesn't mean that they have as much of a place in your life as someone that you're not biologically related to. While it's understandable that you feel this way, do you honestly believe that meeting your father would change who you are today? The important thing is that this guy is not in control of your life, yet it sounds as if your letting what he did in the past control your life, regardless. When you were adopted, you were given a chance to live a happier and better life than you would have under those circumstances. Believe it or not, there is a reason that those things happened, maybe your father leaving and you being adopted has made you the person that you are today. I mean, think about it. If your father had not left your mother, you would have been raised by a jerk of a dad and a mom who may not have been able to support you in the best way possible. There is a reason things turned out the way they did. While your biological parents may always be a part of you, you should not let them and your past control you. Life is meant to be lived in the present, not the past.

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

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Re: I HATE my Father - June 25th 2009, 09:34 AM

Oedipus Complex?

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Re: I HATE my Father - June 25th 2009, 09:41 AM

I know its frustrating, why not look for him?

He is a part of you, but you are NOT him. OK? You are both different people, you will only BE him, if you so choose.
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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Re: I HATE my Father - June 26th 2009, 02:34 AM

There's two sets of memories. Those that were 'manufactured' and those of my past, it's really hard to put into words. It's like once everything came rising to the surface, I was swept up in a flood and I'm still drowning. I don't know if I can run away. I don't even think it's possible.

I'm my father's son, I have parts of him in me, aspects of his instincts that scare me at times. Thoughts that I know my adoptive parents never instilled in me, because they're great people. My biological father though, he's a monster. I look in the mirror and I see him staring back at me. I've been fighting it and felt aggressive over it my whole life, only this time I have a title to place on those feelings rather than it being restricted to my unconscious. God, I just want to go back to that innocence again - the negligence - it was so much easier... being numb to it - at least on a conscious level.

I know I'm not entirely him, but he did fuck up my life - a lot. He's the reason why I feel like such a freak at times. I mean, hell, even when I succeed the only motivation is to prove I'm worthy of life - how pathetic is that? I know that if I didn't wind up with the adoptive parents I have, I would definitely be more screwed up than I am today and that alone says a lot.

Oedipus complex? I mean, I want to fight my father and I want to learn from him. It's seriously going to be major dysfunction when and if I ever meet him. Lol. But, I'm pretty sure I don't have a sexual attraction towards my mother... so it's not entirely oedipus. Just the wanting to "kill" your father thing - yeah, I'm as sane as they come... (note the sarcasm)

I'm not saying my life's absolutely horrible, it's not... just it's tainted - if that makes sense? It's like no matter how good some days can get, I always fall back into the hole. It's like being haunted.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; June 26th 2009 at 04:17 AM.
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