TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
Up In The Clouds...
I can't get enough
*********
 
xxpaigiexx's Avatar
 
Name: Paige
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: London

Posts: 2,383
Blog Entries: 96
Join Date: January 6th 2009

My friend has changed - July 30th 2009, 07:03 PM

My closest friends consist of 3 other girls.
Two of us are single and two of the girls both have boyfriends.
One of them is obsessed with her boyfriend, we never see anything of her and it's becoming concerning, her boyfriend isn't a nice person he's never done anything to hurt her physically but he's very, very manipulative and he is the reason we see nothing of her.
I understand she's in love but he's cheated on her in the past. In a couple months he is going away to uni and I am dead certain he's going to cheat on her while he's away.
I used to always see my friend but now I'm lucky to see her once in a month.
I know he will cheat on her it's just a matter of when really, I'm going to have to pick up the pieces and obviously I will be but when I've been through a break up recently she's been too wrapped up in her boyfriend to help me with picking up the pieces... makes me think when she needs my help why should I be there for her.
I'm just hating the person she's becoming and it's down to spending so much time with him.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
FromTheAshes Offline
Member
Average Joe
***
 
FromTheAshes's Avatar
 
Name: Lils
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Location: UK

Posts: 111
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - July 31st 2009, 03:57 PM

Hi Paige,

I'm sorry to hear your friend hasn't been spending as much time with you recently and wasn't there for you when you went through a break up, it's understandable that you'd be feeling upset and maybe even resentful about that.

Have you spoken to your friend about how little you're seeing of her? Sometimes when we're trying to juggle a relationship and friendships and everything else, it's easy to think things are going okay when they're not if other people don't let us know when there's a problem. It may also be difficult for her if her boyfriend is manipulative, as you say, because he might make her feel bad about spending time with her friends rather than him - and she may not be able to see that he's being manipulative or hear it because it's always difficult to hear something like that about someone we care about.

If he's going to uni, hopefully you will see more of her then, and if you do worry that he's being manipulative then it may be easier for her to hear it when they're not spending as much time together. But it sounds like this is something that might really benefit from being talked about and brought out into the open; maybe say that you miss spending so much time with her, let her know you aren't trying to stop her spending time with her boyfriend but that you would like to spend time with her too, and see how she responds.

I hope this is something that you can work out with your friend. Take care and good luck with this.

Lils
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
Up In The Clouds...
I can't get enough
*********
 
xxpaigiexx's Avatar
 
Name: Paige
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: London

Posts: 2,383
Blog Entries: 96
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 2nd 2009, 12:58 PM

Hey thanks for the reply Lils,

I have tried speaking to her many times, each time unsuccessful she says she'll make some more time to spend with friends and she never does. Every time she spends time with us which is once or twice in a month if we're lucky she acts as if we have been graced with her presence like we owe her something for her turning up. She knows it upsets us all and we have tried speaking to her in a nice way without upsetting her which is incredibly hard because she's very sensitive and extremely defensive when it comes to him.
I understand she loves him but he's hurt her in the past and I thought friends were supposed to be there through good and bad times not when it suits them. I finally saw my friend yesterday and she's not long been off holiday with her boyfriend and his family, he stayed out in spain to spend some time just with his family and she had some of the photos from the holiday and it turned out to be cheaper leaving them to be proccessed for 3 days so she did that. Later on when he asked her if she had the photos she said no I left them in Boots because it's cheaper to give them 3 days to do them and he started an argument over the pictures when he can't see them anyway because he's not in the country.
He does purposely make her feel bad if she comes out with us because he expects her to spend her every waking moment with him or thinking of him and say for example he wants to go out with his friends it's a totally different issue and there's not a problem with it.
I really miss my friend and this hurts to see her being manipulated by someone so undeserving of her love and attention. I've never once told her she should end things with him or anything but the amount of times I've had to deal with hours and hours on the phone to her because he's made her cry or upset her over something or other, and otherwise I wouldn't hear from her.
I know this seems evil but I'd rather she didn't call me at all if all she has to do is complain about him because anytime I try and call her she fobs me off.
It's not fair of her to take advantage of me and other people like that and if I'm not able to offer her advice or I've given her some and I don't know what else to add she usually goes mental at me and gives me some bull of you're supposed to be my friend, you're supposed to help me. I'm not just there for her convience.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
FromTheAshes Offline
Member
Average Joe
***
 
FromTheAshes's Avatar
 
Name: Lils
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Location: UK

Posts: 111
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 2nd 2009, 03:44 PM

Hi Paige,

I can understand your frustration and anger, because you're right and it's not fair for her to treat you that way, especially as it sounds like you have really done your best to talk this over and find a solution.

I may be completely out of line here, or very paranoid, but from my perspective it sounds like his behaviour is verging on abusive. I realise I'm only looking at a very limited sample of his behaviour, and I could very well be wrong. But if you think it may be the case, then try to bear in mind that he may be making it very difficult for her to see you - grilling her on every little thing she does with you, or accusing her of not loving him if she sees her friends "so much" (even though to you it does not feel like much at all), for example. In that case, she may have had to fight really hard to see you for even as little time as she is; it might also be why she's so sensitive about him, because from inside that kind of relationship it's very difficult to see it for what it is and very painful to admit, even to yourself.

Like I say though, I may be over-reacting, and I'm not saying it would necessarily excuse her behaviour even if it is the case. But if you feel there may be something in it, then it may be worth just saying you miss her and that you're concerned about how he's treating her but want to respect her decisions and choices in being with him - that you want to help her but need her to tell you how.

It's completely understandable to be hurt by her actions - and it's okay to tell her that, regardless of whether or not you think he may be abusive. You aren't just there for her convenience, and it's not fair of her to treat you like that; but it may be worth letting her know that while you're hurt you're willing to listen and try to work things out if there is a reason for her behaviour. Hopefully that will help her to open up if there is an issue there and also give you a chance to express your feelings.

I'm sorry that your friend has been treating you that way and especially sorry if anything I've said has been out of line or completely off-ball; please let me know if I've completely misunderstood things.

Take care

Lils
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
Up In The Clouds...
I can't get enough
*********
 
xxpaigiexx's Avatar
 
Name: Paige
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: London

Posts: 2,383
Blog Entries: 96
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 2nd 2009, 04:11 PM

No you wasn't out of line. I would say his behaviour is borderline abusive, he doesn't treat her fairly and can go from being seemably mr. perfect to a bastard. I'm going to try speaking to her one last time and let her know how I'm feeling.

One thing that worries me is she's drifting so far from all of her friends that she is going to end up alone if she carries on being with him and spending excessive amounts of time with him. It's going to come as a big shock when he goes to uni and she's going to look to see her friends and people will be heading in totally different paths and she may find people don't have so much time for her.
Thanks Lils.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
FromTheAshes Offline
Member
Average Joe
***
 
FromTheAshes's Avatar
 
Name: Lils
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Location: UK

Posts: 111
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 2nd 2009, 05:16 PM

If his behaviour is bordering on abusive, that may be his intention; she's much less likely to leave if she feels he's all she's got. I'm glad that you're going to try speaking to her again, I hope it goes a bit better *hugs*. It sounds like you're trying to be a really good friend to her despite your frustrations and despite her hurting you and I hope she appreciates that, even if she does not tell you so.

Good luck - let us know how it goes.

Take care,

Lils
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
Up In The Clouds...
I can't get enough
*********
 
xxpaigiexx's Avatar
 
Name: Paige
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: London

Posts: 2,383
Blog Entries: 96
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 2nd 2009, 10:17 PM

Well she's one of my best friends, it's not like she's someone I don't care about it's because I'm concerned for her that I think I need to speak to her properly.
I just don't want her landing up in a relationship she cannot get out of.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Pandamonium Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
Pandamonium's Avatar
 
Name: Steph
Gender: Female
Location: US

Posts: 1,613
Blog Entries: 4
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 2nd 2009, 10:47 PM

One thing you have to realize is no matter what you say or do, she will ultimately make her own choices. Would it hurt to talk to her? No, but make sure that you don't shut her out completely just because she isn't making the decision you'd like her to. It's easy for people to get clouded judgment and do things to their friends they wouldn't normally do.

Right now her whole world is him, she has no clear vision. So it's going to be very difficult for her to understand where you're coming from and to realize that she's setting herself up for a lot of hurt down the road. The best thing you can do is be there for her, no matter what happens. What she's doing isn't fair but shunning her when she doesn't realize she's in the wrong won't help either.
  Send a message via MSN to Pandamonium  
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
Up In The Clouds...
I can't get enough
*********
 
xxpaigiexx's Avatar
 
Name: Paige
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: London

Posts: 2,383
Blog Entries: 96
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 3rd 2009, 12:19 AM

Yeah, I can understand that.
I'm going to try and speak to her tomorrow because she's coming round to my house in the morning and that will give me a chance to speak to her without someone else butting in and turning it into an argument or a screaming match.
I'm going to tell her how I feel and I will make sure I tell her no matter what I'm here.
I can't make my mind up for her and yeah I'll go with whatever decisions she makes regardless of how much I hate them and hate him.
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Scribbles Offline
Friendly Neighborhood Nerd
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Scribbles's Avatar
 
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: In my room, probably.

Posts: 21
Join Date: August 1st 2009

Re: My friend has changed - August 5th 2009, 03:00 AM

Well, after reading your initial post I was going to tell you to state your frustrations but make it clear that you're still there for your friend no matter what...But Steph and Lils said it for me already.

I think you're handling this really well, Paige. Hope your talk went well.
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
changed, friend

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.