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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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Arrow Tales of another broken home - September 6th 2009, 06:19 PM

Basically thought I'd start this general thread for those who come from a "broken home" whether it's never knowing what home is, there might as well not be one, or any other possible scenario.

FAMILY TYPE: Adopted
PARENTS: Not the best, not the worst, just blind.

I never really had a home. Hell, I don't even know who my parents are. Most of my life I've felt rejected, alone and cast out. I'm even the black sheep among my adoptive extended family who nicknamed me "the ghost." I'm sure they did it light heartedly, but still it reinforces that I've always felt invisible. Anything that goes wrong any moment something seems off, I get afraid that my adoptive/foster parents will disown me. It happened once, it can happen again. I've ran away from home once and every time I get to leave I run because there's a certain sense freedom that comes from it, leaving the fear of getting rejected by a second set of parents. Like I'm safer being on my own.

Unconditional love? It doesn't exist. No such thing. Everyone leaves - everyone. The second things start going good - in anything - I turn and run the other way because it's better to reject them before they get the chance to reject me. Yeah, I'm a little messed up I guess, but I've just never had that much faith in people because they've really given me no reason to. I've never really known what belonging feels like, even with my adoptive family, just lost, confused, alone, empty, and angry.

Although not many know this, I often had dreams and hopes that if I started making it big my parents would come and rescue me. That they would save me and make me whole. But, I'm there and nothings happening which sucks big time. Makes me realize that no matter what I do, no one's coming for me... but, who can blame them? I really can't see how anyone would want anything to do with me... being elected the reject from birth, fucking sucks.

Putting it into lyrics, going to go with Green Day since Mike Dirnt was also adopted and kinda found some lyrics that probably came from or were inspired by what he's gone through:

Quote:
Stranded...lost inside myself
My own worst friend
My own closest enemy
I'm Branded...maladjusted
Never trusted anyone
Let alone myself

I must insist
On being a pessimist
I'm a loner in a catastrophic mind

Elected the rejected
I perfected the science of the idiot
No meaning...no healing
Self loathing freak and introverted deviot
Quote:
Castaway - going at it alone
Castaway - now I'm on my own
Castaway - going at it alone
Castaway - now I'm on my own
Lost and found, trouble bound
Castaway
Quote:
I always waste my time just wondering
What the next man thinks of me
And I'll never do exactly what I want
And I'll sculpt my life for your acceptance

And I feel forgotten
Feel like rotting

All my life I've seemed to have this need
I think at times it even turns to greed
We all want to join some family
We'll even sacrifice a moral changing
Quote:
I'm just a mutt
And nowhere is my home
Where dignity's a land mine
In the school of lost hope
I've panhandled for a life because
I'm not afraid to beg
Hand me down your lost and founds
Of second hand regret
Even though I want my father to be proud of me, I'm always angry at him too. Like he's the reason my whole life went to hell. He ran off on my Mom forcing her to give me away. He's the reason that no matter how much comes my way, my life will always suck because I'm doomed to be the alien.

Quote:
I don't know you
But I think I hate you
You're the reason for my misery
Strange how you've become my biggest enemy
And I've never even seen your face
Oddly and awesomely enough I've found that most artists whether it be in music or film come from a broken home. Especially those who make it big. I guess part of the reason for that is we've gone through enough shit that we can't be further kicked down because we're already broken. Plus, there's always this need to prove that we are important and everything we went through wasn't in vain - that we have a purpose. Which trying to prove why you're even here really fuels persistence. Hell, I'm going to start working at Warner Brothers soon enough and that's what got me there.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; September 6th 2009 at 06:34 PM.
   
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Re: Tales of another broken home - September 6th 2009, 10:18 PM

hey

im adopted to.. or well was, Im back in foster care

but i guess i'll start at the begining

long story short:

birth mother/real mom is a druggie/whore for a living. she got prego, almost aborted but my real dad made a deal with her and he kept me after i was born till i was 2 and he was in a car accident.

me and my older half brothers were adopted by a distant family member. i was 4 years old and too hyper(adhd) and "bad" so they were abusive to correct my behavior. CPS took us(me and 2 little adoptive brothers) out when i was 10.

foster care for a bit, then adopted again by a nicer family
stuff was pretty good for about 4years, other than a few of her bf's being abusive but she was a good mom, she had 2 real kids of her own and me and my little ad.brothers.

she recently(a few months ago) got with the neighbor(he was a good friend) and moved in, then we all moved out to a new house and she got prego with his kid.

i have something called "RAD" (reactive attachment disorder.. we had a therapist helping out and stuff) , and ended up getting into alot of trouble after we moved. the therapist said it was cuz i "don't do well with change"
but it got pretty f-ing bad to the point where there were lots of "angry moments" where i would destroy everything in my way (everything, beds, tv, ps3, tables, walls, clothes, there were even pieces of carpet ripped up and a hole/some carving on the ceiling ) i hurt my brothers a few times and pets and myself, theres more but i think u get the point...and i dont wanna get in trouble on here. and these rages were even worse because back when i was 10, 11 and 12 i was still small enough for her to hold me until i calmed down, but these times knives were thrown at admom, adgrandma had to get stiches like twice.

so she decided i was too "dangerous" to live with the family, especially since shes prego and believes i might try to hurt her/her not born yet kid and decided to have me live with grandma for a bit, she got tired of me and of all the fighting/angry moments and sent me to live with aunts and cousins and what not but most would only keep me 1 night, 3nights tops, because i was "too much to handle"/"too violent"/"ran away too much" etc.

in the end i ended up back home for a few days while she arranged for me to get sent back to foster care "for a while" so tht she can have time to have her new baby and love it and b a mom to it until its older and she can "come back and give kevin the 1 on 1 attention he needs to get better " unless i somehow end up getting better on my own, either way i can come back until im "normal"-ish and not violent.

so i've been in foster care for about 2weeks now, im 14(bday was in july) and this is my 3rd home(got kicked out of the last 1)

it sucks and i hate it, i hate the constant moving from 1 place to another unexpectedly, i hate haveing to get used to a new house, new people, new school, new rules, new everything.

i've been thinking about it and i've decided the best thing for me right now would be to go to juvi. i dont have any family or friends any more, so juvi would be easyer since i'll only have to get used to the changes once, then im set, no moving, no new rules.

and i know what u mean about the need to find a way to get your birth parents back, i met my real mom like 2 years ago, she didn't really want me, but if i had money or if i let her do whatever she wanted to me she'd say she loved me.
i know she didn't but i still often think of ways to somehow get her to take me back and see the mistake she made.

i've always felt like i dont belong and it always makes sense that I'M the one thats messed up, she gave me away because I wasn't good enough for her to keep me and love me like all the other kid's and they're moms. I still haven't figured out what exactly it is that is wrong with me but i'm still trying to fix it and find a way for her to take me back. its not the same with adoptive parents, i always felt like they only pretended to love me and care about me because they felt bad for me or felt obligated to, but even if they didn't i still didnt feel like i belonged in they're families or as their "son". i did feel alot better paying my real mom for her fake "i love u" 's, and even tho they were fake and i knew it i still told myself they were real and i felt like i needed to make her proud of me someday, i'd do anything to finally feel like i belong somewhere and if following in her foot steps will make her proud of me and want me back, then thats exactly what i want to do when im older.

have u ever met your birth mother or father?
   
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Re: Tales of another broken home - September 6th 2009, 11:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ad_kid View Post
its not the same with adoptive parents, i always felt like they only pretended to love me and care about me because they felt bad for me or felt obligated to, but even if they didn't i still didnt feel like i belonged in they're families or as their "son".
Know exactly what you mean. Part of me feels like a burden on them, like they're just staying by me because they feel like they have no other choice. I mean, I'm not that good of a guy. Hell, when I was thirteen I almost killed someone which I've always linked back to my biological father and other thoughts that I've had throughout high school which I really don't want to mention (I come from the top murder/crime capitol of the entire world, plus it was pure primal instincts which - where else would that come from?). I've always hidden a huge part of who I am, the fears of what's in me, from my adoptive parents because I know that if they ever found that out, they wouldn't see me the same way again. How could they? I just, I show them what they want to see, which seriously takes it's toll.

The song I always related to that is 'Left 4 Dead' by Papercut Massacre:

Quote:
Seeing you here
I'm sure that there's
Things left on your chest

I know I haven't been that much of anything
You should know that you raised me well
I can't pretend to have any friends
They all feel the same as you do

How can I make you
Make you proud of me

All that you gave me was meant to save me
From the sickness that's inside my head
How can I blame you, I'm not ashamed to
I'm better off left here for dead

You sent me away to a terrible place
Perhaps it's where I belong
I can't even lie it's no big surprise
That you don't even want me there

How can I make you
Make you proud of me
Haven't met my biological parents. But, the feelings I have for them are still intense. It's like that's the only part of me that is real, so I hold onto it. I miss and want to be with my Mom. My Dad on the other hand, as said he ruined my life; if he hadn't run off maybe I'd have a chance to be normal, to feel human. So I'd most likely be the oedipal son on the return; want to kill him yet want him to be proud of me (in those regards I can really relate to Connor in 'Angel')

For all I know my father could be a killer and maybe that's where I got it from. But, that doesn't mean I have to follow in his footsteps. I can choose to become the man I become. Some days it might seem harder than others, but it's what we do with our lives that counts. We don't need to be our parents. You don't need to be a criminal either. Focus all of that energy onto something worthwhile. That's what I did. Now I'm about to start working for Warner Brothers next summer. Bottom line is don't let their mistakes become your own, they don't need to be.

You don't want to go to juvenile hall man. Nothing good would come from that. Reach out, get help. Try to get better. Hell, that's what I'm doing, I'm going to be seeing a shrink for the first time next week - I always strayed from that before because I was afraid of being seen as weak and my adoptive parents finding things out from the therapist; but as far as I know it's strictly confidential. Maybe it'll at the very least make me accept things and relate more to people, I don't know could just be what I hope for... Juvenile Hall would do more damage than good, I saw a documentary on what it's like in there and it's not a good sight. I'd say, as hard as it is, we aliens are here and gotta find some way to blend in even if it is somewhat hidden away. Even Superman had to run off to his fortress of solitude every once in a while. It's hard going on without your parents there, but I'd like to believe if superheroes (every one of them is an orphan in some way) can do it I might be able to too. "I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees, find a way to lie about a home I'll never see. I might sound disturbed, but what you will see is that even heroes have a right to bleed."

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; September 7th 2009 at 12:40 AM.
   
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