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Question Need advice and help with best friend. - October 21st 2009, 02:12 AM

I'm a teen girl, currently in high school. So is my sister and friend Haley.

Let me start off by saying that last year I moved into a new high school from out of state, roughly 300 miles away. I am more outgoing than my twin sister, and she is very shy. She did not adjust well to the move. I've been very scarcely informed about what has happened to her... but I stumbled upon a text message when she let me borrow her phone. She had depression. And told my friend Haley, and no one else. She hates my parents, and myself.

Haley was originally my sister's friend. I "stole" her, but in actuality, my sister was overwhelming Haley with depressing thoughts and forcing her to stay away from me. I know this for a fact. I got help for my sister, and she was diagnosed with Adjustment disorder with depressed mood, then elevated to major depression. Back in 8th grade I was a victim of attempted rape. I told Haley, and we became very close. I made sure Haley still was friends with my sister. Then Haley moved this year a few states away. It ripped me apart... Apparently Haley had said some bad things, and my sister hated her for it. I am still not sure what she said... but I was notified to keep limited contact with Haley. Unfortunately, I'm so attached to her... more than a friend. But I am not physically attracted to her.

Haley is dying in the state she is in. She is a brilliant student , and is bullied by both her own parents and kids at her school. Her friends all ignore her in the new state. She's introverted, and she prefers being on the computer. Her parents think she is gay, and fat. They yell at her for eating two cookies. They take her to other girls' homes for sleepovers, girls that she doesn't know. At her school, people do drugs outside of it. She cries every night, and I've made secret calls to calm her down. She revealed today that she wanted (but not attempted) to commit suicide at least 4 times (all in the new state), but I am the only person who makes her feel wanted. She has admitted to thinking she is bi. I build her up, and compliment her... I give her advice too. She does not self mutilate herself.
Her parents will not let her go to college outside of the state i have moved to, and my parents only want me to go to the school back where I live. Yet I need to be there for her...

The problem is that everything is in secret. I calm her down in secret, I talk to her in secret, I email her in secret so I don't hurt my sister. It kills me.

I just need advice... just someone to talk to about this... is there anything I'm doing wrong? Or doing right? What can I do better?

Thank you SO so much.
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Re: Need advice and help with best friend. - October 21st 2009, 10:41 PM

Hi there,

I think that you are being a really great friend and I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. You are not the cause of how your friend feels, or how your sister feels. I know it is difficult to be so far away from a friend, especially one you can only speak to in secret.

Do you think you could try talking to your sister and ask what went on between her and Haley? Maybe if you know the details you can help sort out her feelings and feel better about staying in contact. It isn't fair that your sister is barring you from talking to your friend either. You should be able to talk to her and email her without feeling bad. Try to figure out what went wrong between your sister and Haley and then keep contacting your friend. After talking to your sister, don't hide your contact. Just let your sister know- if she asks- that Haley is your friend and you have a right to speak to her.

Finding your friend the help she needs is tricky because of the distance. It's not as if you would be able to talk to a counselor at her school. I think that talking to her and supporting her like you are doing now is a really good idea. It's important that she knows that she is cared for and that she has someone to turn to.

Maybe you could encourage Haley to talk to a guidance counselor at school or speak to her parents about counseling. It is important that she gets the help she deserves when things are going this badly. Another good suggestion would be to direct her to this page. It's a link of Depression and Suicide resources with websites and hotlines she could try. Haley might even benefit from coming on TeenHelp, so that's always a good suggestion idea too

I hope things start to get better between you, your sister, and your friend. You should not feel you have to hide contact with your friend because of your sister. If your sister has a problem with it, then she should try and talk it through with you, but not force you to do as she wants.

Take care, and feel free to message me any time if you want to talk.

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