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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
mishmeka Offline
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Question Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 02:23 PM

My daughter is 15 1/2 years old, she has been texting a 17 yr old boy that she met on the internet. I do not believe he is who he says he is. He lives 2 states away which is great, but he is constantly texting her with very vulgar sexual things he wants to do to her. She says she is in love with him, they have never met. They have been in contact for almost a year now and he will be 18 soon. ( so he says ? ) I took her phone away because she has been texting all night long and not sleeping. She starting cutting herself too !! Very concerned and do not know how to HELP her !!

Last edited by WashoutThePain; December 3rd 2009 at 01:11 AM. Reason: Moving to Friends and Family
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 02:28 PM

get him on video chat. if he keeps dodging it theres gotta be a reason. if he says he cant afford it call him. ask for a name and address and get it checked by the police.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 02:49 PM

Hey There,

Just so you know, I'm 16 - So I can try and relate to your daughters situation.

I personally would never look to date anyone over the internet who is older than me. I have have EXTREMELY strict parents, and have been made aware of all the issues that can come about from these types of relationships.

Could you sit down with your daughter and talk to her seriously. Make sure you have done your research and have facts to give her - us teens like facts.

How does she feel about you knowing about her relationship with this guy? If she is being secretive and the sorts - it is probably because there is something she doesn't want you to know...

I guess the fact they have been in contact for about year must say something though, he is obviously prepared to wait for her. If he loves her he should also be prepared to make himself known to you... You could try and talk to him??

Also just be careful that your daughter is keeping safe - not sending this bloke images of herself via texts.

I too have self harmed. This is a difficult thing to help. I do it when I'm angry or upset, or agitated. If you talk to your daughter ask her if she wants professional help - ie. A Councillor. Also make sure she knows that she can talk to you about ANYTHING!

For me, I don't have a close relationship with my parents, and I don't talk to them about things like how I feel, or sex, or boyfriends. Make sure you make yourself approachable to your daughter =]

Definitely try and talk to her =] Uhhm. You could also suggest this website for her to look at?? There is a dedicated Self Harm section on here, with people she could relate to??

- You too could also look at that part of the forums =]

I hope this helps, If you ever want another teens opinion feel free to PM me =]
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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 02:51 PM

id love to tlk to her so yeah u shud sow her the site and maybe some of my posts too


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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 04:18 PM

Yeah just call him, and you will be able to tell his age.
Talk with her, and say how it's unsafe, and whatever.
Good luck




   
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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 04:23 PM

As the others have said, the best thing to do is just to talk to her. Find out why she likes this guy and tell her exactly what your objections are and why. It will probably seem like she's not listening or doesn't want to hear it, but say it anyway. I would wonder why she's interested in this guy as opposed to someone esle. Do you know if the self-harm is related to this situation and how long it's been going on? It's possible that it's been going on longer than you reaize. It really is a complex issue and can be hard to understand, the best thing to do is again, talk to her and see if she'll explain why she does it. You can also tell her that she can talk to you about anything, but you have to seem approachable to her, it's possible that you think she feels that she can be open with you when she feels differently. Offer to get her professional help if you don't think she can stop on her own. She's also welcome here if you're both comfortable with that.


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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 05:32 PM

Been there done that..
All I can really tell you is don't force her to break up with the guy if he is who he says he is. That'll just push her away. Like someone else said maybe get him on video chat so you can SEE who he is. Also, YOU should talk to the guy. Ask him a bunch of questions. Give him the mommy third degree.
Let him know you don't want them to have any more sexual texts or conversations as she's too young. Let them both know you'll be checking the texts at random times, and you'll be listening in on most of the conversations.
If he really is who he says he is, and if they really are "in love" they should have no problem with those rules.

I met my husband online when I was 17.. however we were just friends until I turned 18.. we got married when I was 19 and now I'm going to be 23 next year. We have a son who just turned 2 today....
So I do think it's okay to "date" online with appropriate guidance at that age of course.

Just remember sometimes you gotta let her make her choices and learn from her mistakes.


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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 06:48 PM

I don't want to contradict Amy, a lot of what she says is good advice, but you need to be careful when it comes to your daughter's privacy. Most teens are very concerned with privacy, and trying to monitor your daughter too closely is likely to just push her into being more secretive. Do your best to compromise with her; if the guy will agree to talking over webcam, then you should try to respect their relationship. You're not going to be able to force her to do what you think is best, so it's important that she not think of you as an enemy if you want to help her.


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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 1st 2009, 10:30 PM

Hey,
I can relate to your daughters situation in a different way. I met someone who was helping me heal emotionally, online. She was my parents age, but was very forward with them and honest and encouraged communications with each other as long as it didn't breach my confidentiality.

Her not telling them specific things we talked about made them decide to try and block me from communicating with her ever again, and they also proceeded to snoop on my laptop and read every conversation I had with her. In addition to putting blocks on my cell phone (which I paid for fully myself btw), and putting blocks on my laptop so I could not communicate with her.

Needless to say I pulled away from them, refused to communicate with them at all - my self harm got worse than it already was, and I found ways around those blocks to still chat with her.

Don't invade on your daughters privacy, BUT at the same time make a deal with her. That certain hours are appropriate for conversing with him, while all night long is definitely not appropriate. Try seeing if she is willing to have an open relationship with you, that she comes to you and will be honest about her conversations. Allow her to feel like she has some control left in this situation. You do need to know what is going on. And contacting the boy is very wise, let you daughter know what you are doing though. You don't want her thinking you are sneaking behind her back.

Be honest with her too. Let her know you trust her instincts, but at the same time she is your daughter and you want to be sure that no one will try to hurt her and that is why you want to contact this boy to be sure he is not lying to your daughter. Voice your concern, don't push too hard. Be open minded, try not to jump to conclusions. After all there ARE some truly nice and trust worthy people on the internet, but then there are also those who are not. I met an amazing women who is know like my "adoptive" mom, I spent the last year living with her.

Hope this helps. And good luck! Let us know how its going
   
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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 2nd 2009, 01:38 AM

Let me forward this by saying that I have dated someone online before. Three different people (one was kinda sorta dating, but that is besides the point). I had two amazing experiences that completely changed my life. Because of those relationships, I have turned my life around and made myself into a better person simply due to the influence those people had on me.

I'd call him. That isn't a guaranteed way to find out how old he is, but that will give you a good clue as to how his voice sounds. After doing that, I'd want to talk to him on webcam to see how old he looks and whether or not he sounds the same. Mention things that he wouldn't know if it wasn't the same guy.

If he really loves your daughter, then he will be willing to tune down the sexual side of things. I wouldn't forbid the relationship, because she most likely would want to go behind your back to continue to see him. However, I wouldn't allow her to share information such as where she lives, where she goes to school, etc. with him. Warn her not to friend him on any social networking sites because these can give away a lot of information without meaning to do so.

As for the cutting, as a (recovering) cutter myself I think that you should find professional help for her if at all possible. She might not want to do that, but ultimately she needs help and if you can provide her with that then you should. I have not received help despite my parents knowing and that has severely hindered my progress in recovering from this powerful addiction. This is an addiction, you know. Encourage her to reach out to websites like this and show her things such as alternatives to self harm (www.teenhelp.org/alternatives). Alternatives are things that you can do instead of cutting when you feel the desire to do so.

Good luck and please keep us updated.


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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 3rd 2009, 12:48 AM

Talk to your daughter... CALMLY. It's understandable that you would FEEL panicked, but by SOUNDING panicked, you'll only give her the impression that you are an unreasonable, old-fashioned, controlling mother. She needs to see you as an authoratative figure, but as one that she can trust and talk to without feeling childish and misunderstood.

Your daughter is aware of the potential dangers of dating someone she's met via the internet... we all are, so telling her that won't change anything. Rather than listing all of the things that COULD go wrong, address the things that HAVE gone wrong:

1) Her blatant disregard for your rules, such as being in bed by a certain time.
You've already grounded her for disregarding your rules, but explain to her in more detail WHY she was grounded. Just saying "No" or "You can't" won't put you back in control. Teens want facts and answers, and even though they're not adults, they want to be treated as such.

2) Her self-harm.
This is my biggest concern, moreso than her flirtations with a man who lives two states away. Your daughter needs support, and possibly even psychological counseling/therapy, in order to address this issue. Find out why she is cutting. Is it for attention/out of spite for what you've done? Or is she coping with physical/emotional pain? Whatever the reason, it needs to stop, before this behavior escalates into something more severe.






   
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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 3rd 2009, 08:56 PM

take the phone away at a certain time, keep all sharp objects away from her. Don't even let her cut the crust off her sandwich with a butter knife. Ask why she even likes the guy.

as for the reasons she like the guy I would have no idea, besides her being a nymph (O_o) or something.

As for the cutting, she for some reason feels like her life sucks. This is probably not true considering she can text a guy she has never met and be naive enough to think she's in love.

How many friends does she have?
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Re: Help me with my daughter... - December 3rd 2009, 11:28 PM

Tell her that you respect her, but are concerned. If she's mature then she'll understand your concern and try to assuage you. As for the cutting- has either of you brought up the idea of therapy? It might be worth a try. If she's just started, now's the best time to intervene before it becomes an addiction.

If she thinks it's ridiculous that you're worried, well, (not to judge but) then she's probably still a child and should be protected as such.


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