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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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Arrow Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 2nd 2010, 11:37 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This can maybe be seen as a rant. I don't know. Just the one thing that seriously pisses me off is how ignorant parents can be.

My adoptive parents like to believe I have everything together and that I'm strong, but I'm just holding on and surviving - not fighting and winning. The thing that hurts most though is that I can't go to them about everything. Isn't that what family is supposed to be? A support group that's there for better or worse? Or is that just some kind of fairy tale that was never meant to be? Whenever I go to my Mom for support on some things, she tells me that there are just some areas I can't go to them about and to just not go to them about it. I asked my best friend if he could go to his parents about everything - he said there were no barriers. It beyond sucks to be barred.

I can't bring up my biological parents, let alone wanting to find them without my adoptive mother getting defensive, shoving me down and kicking me until I'm broken and bleeding. She doesn't inflict physical damage. I don't even think she knows what she does to me. The last time I tried to talk to my Mom about it and how it's impacted my life (which she chooses to remain ignorant to and tells me to just stop thinking about them - like that's even remotely possible), it ended so badly that I binged alcohol and seriously considered running away to the city and never looking back. After that I became a wreck - drinking, drugs, feelings of running away, and just being a replacement son to them rather than someone they actually cared about. I'm afraid, hell - I'm terrified to talk to her about it again because I don't want to relapse (a friend had to come down to my college because he thought I needed an intervention before I hit rock bottom).

My parents want me to feel like part of the family and they always try their hardest. But, how is that possible when my Mom rejects the universal truth about me and strongest aspect of my life? The closest I can think of relating it to is parents having a son that's a mutant, they tell him that they'll still love him - but they look at him differently, don't want to see him using his powers or talking about them even if it's asking for help and support. How is that being part of a family when part of you is denied?

Quote:
Really relate to "Smallville's" Flash:

"Their son got zapped into a human lightning bolt, that's what happened. I mean, they made this whole big deal about everything... That it was gonna be okay, and that... I don't know, man, you should've seen the way they looked at me, you know?"

Bart Allen: Smallville
It's not just bad enough that I was thrown away after being born, having a criminal - most likely - as a biological father who didn't care if I lived or died, do I have to really be asked to remain ignorant by the people supposed to be family?

It's funny how parents say they want to do what's best for their children, yet can sometimes seriously mess them up and don't like seeing or admitting it. I just, I'm so fucking lost since then. But, hey, I've always been a lost boy - I guess... nothing new...

Quote:
I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway…
You don't know me,
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

I can't be restrained by you, I need to be me.

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man..
You can take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here.

You threw me away, abandoned me, but I'm a man now. But, how can I learn who I am without the answers of who I am?

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

Mom, Dad, I need you to know who I am. I need to know what happened, why I'm here. I need you in my life.(biological)

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

Adoptive family and their pressure to erase the past.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

I want to grow up, become a man, but you need to know your past in order to progress to your future. I can't do that if you don't allow me room to grow.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; January 2nd 2010 at 11:55 PM.
   
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Re: Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 2nd 2010, 11:45 PM

Your mum might freak out when you mention your biological parents because she's scared you don't love her, or she's not doing a good enough job. Perhaps writing everything down for your mum, like why you want to find your biological parents, and reasuring her, and just telling her you dont want there to be any barriers...
It might just be she's uncomfortable talking about certain things.



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Re: Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 3rd 2010, 06:13 AM

I've tried before. She just doesn't want to hear any part of it. And this is the stage where I need my biological parents the most. Twenty-one going on to being an adult, but I need to reconcile with my past to do it. I - I just need my father back to help me take the next step. Even if he is a criminal, I don't care - I can learn of what of him is in me. I know I probably sound like a whining kid, but with graduation coming up... I'd just like to know where I come from, who I am, what was so bad they had to send me away. I have so many questions and pent up feelings that I won't be able to let go of until I find a way.

I mean, it's the most natural thing in the world for a boy to want to his father right? Just want that connection, whatever it is or means.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; January 3rd 2010 at 06:38 AM.
   
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Re: Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 3rd 2010, 11:10 AM

I completely understand your want to find your father, and in no way think of you as a wining kid. It will sound bad, but do you really need her involved to find out? Im not saying lie to her or anything just, does she have to be involved?



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Re: Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 3rd 2010, 12:56 PM

Hi Josh!!

My heart goes out to you. Obviously you're in a lot of pain. And having read your message - I understand why. And you're right - of course - the most natural thing in the world is for a boy to want a relationship with his father - to have that connection - that all important bond. But sadly - even with that 'father' in the house - that connection - that opportunity to bond - isn't always possible. [Which is something I can speak of from experience] And when it comes to WHY your biological parents gave you away - very often people put their children up for adoption BECAUSE they love them. They didn't 'throw' that child away - they GAVE that child what THEY believed was the ONLY opportunity it may have had to be truly loved and cared for. Handing a child over to the care of someone else - is VERY often THE most selfless act a person can do. They are putting aside THEIR wants for the sake of that child. It is NOT - therefore - always an act of abandonment - but one of great love. It is unfair of you to assume otherwise.

SOMETIMES though - a child is taken AWAY from its biological parents. And someone [A person given the authority to make these sorts of decisions] must take it upon themselves to act on behalf of those parents. They must decide FOR the child what would be BEST for that child. Society [At least one that wants to consider itself civilized] must [Sometimes] interfere and make decisions on behalf of those unable or unwilling to live up to their responsibilities. Nothing trumps the importance of a child being well cared for.

Having read your message several times - I am left with the impression that your adoptive parents [Including your mom] truly DO love you. And it's not ignorance - but FEAR - that is causing them to refuse to allow that door to your past to be opened. Ideally - you're right - you SHOULD be able to talk to your mom and dad about ANYTHING. But that ideal is rare even in the healthiest of families - one without any skeletons in the closet. And I say skeletons because I think - given how your mom reacts to even the mention of your 'biological past' - that there is something there that SHE is terrified will hurt YOU if you found out. Now I don't want to fill your mind - your imagination - with a bunch of possibilities - but I'm sure if you think about it for awhile you'll come up with a few of your own. Not every girl/woman gets pregnant under ideal circumstances.

I think you're going to have to give your adoptive parents [Especially your mom] the benefit of the doubt. Something is there. Something SHE is truly worried about - and has been worried about for as long as you have been a part of her life. Now the truth MIGHT not be a 'big deal' - but it is to HER. And you have to be respectful of that. Whatever it is has been kept a secret for a long time now. It's not easy to let go of something that you have spent a great deal of time [And energy] holding onto. It's quite likely that your adoptive parents decided long ago that it would be best for YOU if they shielded you from your past - for YOUR SAKE. And to be asked to let that go - pushes a lot of buttons. And stirs up a lot of emotions.

It's also important to appreciate that many 'adopted kids' spend a great deal of time and energy of their own creating fantasies of what their biological parents are 'REALLY' like. They often go so far as to convince themselves that - deep down - their 'real' mom and dad have always regretted giving them up. That 'they' have been pining for the day when they could apologize in person to the one they 'gave away' for making such a horrible mistake. SADLY - that's a 'reality' that is usually only 'real' in dreams. And that's a HARD reality to accept. And understandably so. Rest assured - I am not making light of any of this. This is a big deal to you - and I know it.

But here's something YOU might NOT know. No matter how you got here - you are just as precious and just as valuable as ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING. The very fact that you were born means that you were meant to be born. And the world is a better place because you are a part of it. And this is especially true given the fact that you desire to be a screenwriter. With all that you have gone through - you have a wonderful opportunity to touch the hearts and minds of countless numbers of people - with WORDS.

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
   
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Re: Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 3rd 2010, 04:53 PM

I'm an international adoptee, so I don't really think there is something they're shielding me from. It's also not a 'good story' - my biological father ran away, he ditched us just before I was born. I feel a need, a want to go back and return the favor to my biological Mom for sending me away, my worst fear is going back there and finding out she was killed or kidnapped or something. We were in poverty, I was to be a street urchin (the police killed poor kids back then if they were out on the street), it's a lot like Anakin Skywalker. I just can't leave her like that. I hate my father for running away, but I still feel a strong need to know him and still want to make him proud. The need to know what of him is in me, maybe there's something more I'm not tapping into. I look around and it's like every other guy knows their Dad, they're all alike, even down to the family business - chip off the block. I've never known what my 'block' is.

There was a great line of dialogue in a LIE TO ME episode this year that, I'd just hope my parents would wake up to: "I know you both love Max deeply. And you would never want to hurt him. But you are. He's in a lot of pain. You're not protecting him anymore, you're just hurting him."

My Mom's dad also ran away on her, then returned years later. She's told me that she was greatfull that he was not in her life. So, I mean, something must have happened there. Maybe she's afraid of the same thing happening to me. But, at least there was a conclusion. There were answers. She just doesn't seem to understand that though. I'm ready, I need to know, for better or worse. Whatever that means. Without it - I just feel lost, unable to put the pieces in my life together.

They don't have to be involved with the search. But, it would seriously make me feel worse having to do it behind their backs. Not getting to the point that they can finally see me as a man and learn to let me go.
   
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Re: Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 3rd 2010, 10:40 PM

You dont have to go about it behind there backs, I think Craig hit the nail on the head with some of what he said.. your mum might be scared.
If you really want to find your biological parents no one can stop you, and it might be worth telling your mum, you are looking and you will find out one way or the other, but explain to her that she does not have to be involved nor agree with your decision. but it is what you have decided to do.

bear in mind, it might become a reality that your biological parents have died, or are ill, or just don't want to know. I dont say this to upset you, just more of a warning.
When my closest friend found her biological father things turned sour quickly, and although she says she is glad to know what he's like, she wish's he could have at least acknowledged her as a person.

Just bear in mind the consequences of all actions.

Ultimately it is up to you, there are people online and working for companys designed to help you find your biological parents, but I wouldnt be surprised if they are a little costly.



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Re: Parents can be beyond ignorant - January 4th 2010, 05:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by CanadaCraig View Post

Having read your message several times - I am left with the impression that your adoptive parents [Including your mom] truly DO love you. And it's not ignorance - but FEAR - that is causing them to refuse to allow that door to your past to be opened. Ideally - you're right - you SHOULD be able to talk to your mom and dad about ANYTHING. But that ideal is rare even in the healthiest of families - one without any skeletons in the closet. And I say skeletons because I think - given how your mom reacts to even the mention of your 'biological past' - that there is something there that SHE is terrified will hurt YOU if you found out. Now I don't want to fill your mind - your imagination - with a bunch of possibilities - but I'm sure if you think about it for awhile you'll come up with a few of your own. Not every girl/woman gets pregnant under ideal circumstances.

I think you're going to have to give your adoptive parents [Especially your mom] the benefit of the doubt. Something is there. Something SHE is truly worried about - and has been worried about for as long as you have been a part of her life. Now the truth MIGHT not be a 'big deal' - but it is to HER. And you have to be respectful of that. Whatever it is has been kept a secret for a long time now. It's not easy to let go of something that you have spent a great deal of time [And energy] holding onto. It's quite likely that your adoptive parents decided long ago that it would be best for YOU if they shielded you from your past - for YOUR SAKE. And to be asked to let that go - pushes a lot of buttons. And stirs up a lot of emotions.

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
Well Josh, this very thing is what you were talking about not so long ago. I think that perhaps you should sit down with your mother and let her know how important this is to you. Tell her how much it impacted you and that you need to talk more about this issue. Its like you are both fighting an enemy but on different fronts. Talk to her and let her know just how much this thing is hurting you. Because from the description you've given, it looks like this is something that will hang on top of your head until it is sorted out.

But Craig said well in the quote I have included. And what I have said I add onto the advice of Craig.

Summary : Try having a deep discussion with your mom letting her know that you are hurting and that this is important to you but keeping in mind what CanadaCraig said. And when you talk to your mother, let her speak her mind.
   
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